Fall also means that my season in landscaping is dwindling down. I probably have about 7-8 weeks left. I am not counting down like I normally have done in the past. I have thoroughly enjoyed this season and am thankful for the amazing people I have had a chance to work with. This has been my favorite season by far. Not to see there was no challenges for me mentally along the way but, I am extremely happy to have had the success I've had this year. If I continue in landscaping, I hope they would welcome me back to the team next year.
I have really struggled at times over the past 6 months. The spring was one of the most intense times I have experienced as a friend of mine was going through a very difficult time in his life. I am so thankful to see where he is now and proud of the strength he has shown. The day I was up for 30 hours and experienced one of the most traumatic nights of my life, seems like a distant memory. That night rarely crosses through my mind and seeing my friend and his wife make it through the other side makes that whole experience worth it. That time also helped show me that I do have strength I never thought I had so I need to apply that to my own journey living with a mental disorder.
Bi Polar is often a crippling disorder. It can consume you. The racing thoughts, the shifts in mood, the severe depression and mania just to name a few characteristics can drain the life out of you. I still have lots of moments where I think my inner battle is too much to deal with. Feeling as though I no longer have strength to live with bi polar and addiction. It can be frustrating and daunting. Those that live with it know that daily battle within. I am determined to come out the other side. I feel as though there is some purpose for me making it this far in life. I never imagined I would be alive at 42 10 years a go. I want to share my story with others and do whatever I can do to help people understand a little of what someone like myself lives through.
I have mentioned this before in post but, I want to reiterate that my illness affects others as much as it affects me, perhaps even more-so. Being married and a life partner to someone with bi polar is no easy task. My illness is very selfish at times and I do not always have the ability to see outside my own mind and be there for others. Jodi has been through hell and back for me and has stood by me when it would have been simple and justified to give up on our relationship. My illness has affected family and friends and I am very grateful for those who stuck with me. I hope people would see that I have tried to live a better life and be more engaged in life. I do not blame anyone for my illness nor do I feel sorry for myself that I have bi polar disorder. It is what it is and is part of who I am. My regret often comes from the affect my decisions, mood, irrational thought processes and behaviors have had on other people. I was not proud of who I was as a person at times and I believe I have come a long way in finding the ability to forgive myself and not let the guilt and shame consume me. All I can do is try my very best to be a good person and help others along the way. I do not want my story to end without having tried to share my experiences to help break stigmas and continue healthy discussions around mental health.
I really hope this finds you well. It is a beautiful day here and I think we will take Ollie for a nice walk before settling in for some football this afternoon.
Take care and enjoy your week. Happy Sunday. Shawn.
