It was a relief to write that yesterday. It was hard for me to do but, I am glad I did.
It seems as though spring is here. Hopefully we won't seem any more snow.
Looks like next week I will be back at work full time. I am very grateful for the opportunity to come back and start my 10th season in the landscaping industry. I really value the quality of people at the place I work and I am going to strive to do my very best to uphold their standards. I have worked 3 or 4 days already and we actually did a couple clean ups yesterday. I have already noticed a difference in my mentality. The work I have put in over the last few months seems to be translating in to work as well and I view the season as an opportunity to continue to challenge myself and work at being in the present moment.
I have had the opportunity to work at a lot of amazing properties over the last ten years. The one thing that has stood out in terms of existing beds or design is the lack of spacing. Each plant, shrub and/or tree needs their own space. For good air flow, access to sun and access to water. As many of you start either planning out new beds or maintaining existing ones, try to think in the long term with looking at your landscape. I have found that their is often things planted very close together, crowding each items chance to flourish and show off their full beauty. You can look on tags on plants and shrubs at nurseries and they will tell you the growth of the item in full maturity. So when planting, try to think of what the item you are planting will look like 2 or 3 years down the road in full maturity. If you are not creating a new bed, look at your current landscape and consider removing some items or at the very least pruning things back to allow each plant or shrub its own space. I have seen the benefits of doing this and it makes for a cleaner, tidier look. And the health of your plants, shrubs and/or trees will thank you.
I have really been trying to take each day as it comes. The most challenging time of day is at night when my mind still races quite a bit. That is what the Risperidone helps with. It can be frustrating and I often say out loud to myself that I just want to sleep. My mind does race when I first wake up but, it easier to manage. My mood has been pretty balanced. I did have a few low days erlier in the week, ending up in mini-depressions. Part of that had to do with not being able to start work on Monday due to snow which threw me off a bit. I still have a lot of work to do in terms of being able to adapt to change. I find it hard to process when I have an idea of how something will go in my mind and then it changes. I am getting a little better at adapting but, I will continue to work on that.
My elbow has held up farily well in the few days I have worked. It is certainly not a 100 per cent but, is manageable. I dealt with a torn bicep in my left arm for much of a season so I am going to do my best to work through it for the season. I just have to change the way I work a bit and not push limits the way I normally may. I did a good job of that yesterdy. There was two big planters that we had to take a way but they were extremely heavy. In the past I would have been determined to lift them and take care of that but, made the smart decision to come back antoher time with a dolly. Small improvements in mind set each day.
The winters are long and spring always gives me a sense of a fresh start. I am really looking foward to this season as I will not have my addiction as part of my daily life. I never could truly enjoy what I was doing as my addiction controlled a lot of head space. I am determined not to let this happen again and I am thankful to everyone who has reached out to me over the last three months to get me where I am today.
Hope this finds you well. Enjoy your weekend. Take care, Shawn.
“If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome."
[Meditations Divine and Moral]”
― The Works of Anne Bradstreet
Friday, 5 April 2019
Wednesday, 3 April 2019
My Truth : Gambling
Phew. It has been a long time since I've wrote. It has been quite a journey over the last three months.
On Janurary 9th, I almost lost my life. I had a plan in place and was determined to carry it out to take my own life. If not for Jodi pressing me that night, I may not be here writing this today.
I have wrote a lot about my journey with bi polar 2 disorder. Sharing some of the ups and downs and part of what it is like to live with this illness. In one of my earliest blogs, I mentioned that I had a gambling addiction. But I did not give it the attention it deserved and left out a lot of my struggle over the years. I want to help others but, I was only sharing part of my story.
I am a compulsive gambler. I have struggled with it on and off for twenty years. It has controlled my life for far too long and over the last three months, I have finally taken steps to address it properly.
I have been abstinent from gambling for over two months now. The first week was the hardest but, it is getting a little easier to manage cravings. I went to a week long day program through ADAPT in February and I credit that program for the progress I have made. I have have been seeing a therapist at homewood the last two months and am in a 6 week program there right not which is once a week. I also found my own therapist who can help with the complexity of my disorder and addictions.
Gambling made me a dishonest person and that is what I am most ashamed about. Lying to those closest to me to feed my addiction. The problem was my gambling addiction and I always thought the solution to that was to gamble. It was a viscious circle. I have learned a lot about addiction over the last few months and the affect it has on brain chemistry. I learned about dopamine and seratonin and how gambling affected those levels in my brain. I will hopefully go in to more detail of what I learned in a later post.
Since I have stopped betting, it is amazing to see the amount of radio and television adds focussed on gambling. I try not to listen too often to them anymore. They feed on weakness. They feed on short term pleasure. The OLG and any other gaming company wants you to believe that you are only one win a way from changing your life.
It is estimated in Ontario that 2-3 per cent of the population are problem gamblers. I would surmise that number to be lower than what is reality. If you polled everyone in Ontario who gambled and you asked them to give an honest summation of their gambling practices, I would almost guarantee that the percentage of problem gamblers would be greater than 2-3 per cent.
But still their is advertising every minute of every day pushing the illusion that you are only one bet, one spin, one ticket a way from life changing winnings. That is a bold lie. They always show winners on television for OLG adds. They don't show the devestation gambling can reape. They don't show people losing their houses, their jobs, their spouses, their self respect, their sense of worth. They don't show the affect addiction has on not just the gambling addict but, all those around them. It has a domino affect. Once the first domino of addction is knocked over, it topples everything in a persons life. And even if people such as myself can finally find their way in to recovery, those dominos can take years to be put back in place.
Gambling Addiction has the highest rate of suicide of any addiction. So many times I thought of ending my life because of the havoc it reaked on my life. It makes you lose self respect, self worth and sense of yourself. It isolates you. It brings you down in to a very dark place at times. It is not pleasant as you often feel there is no way out, not solution and no hope.
Yes their are a lot of people who can gamble responsibly. But I would summise that there are a lot more people like me than the gamblling establishments would like to admit.
It felt good writing this today. I have been putting it off for a long time. I miss writing. And there are so many things I feel compelled to write about. I want to help others and I am hoping I can speak to groups at some point. Is something I am working towards.
I hope this finds you well. Thanks for listening. Take care, Shawn.
The only way to stop your gambling debt, is to STOP gambling!!!!!
Anonymous
On Janurary 9th, I almost lost my life. I had a plan in place and was determined to carry it out to take my own life. If not for Jodi pressing me that night, I may not be here writing this today.
I have wrote a lot about my journey with bi polar 2 disorder. Sharing some of the ups and downs and part of what it is like to live with this illness. In one of my earliest blogs, I mentioned that I had a gambling addiction. But I did not give it the attention it deserved and left out a lot of my struggle over the years. I want to help others but, I was only sharing part of my story.
I am a compulsive gambler. I have struggled with it on and off for twenty years. It has controlled my life for far too long and over the last three months, I have finally taken steps to address it properly.
I have been abstinent from gambling for over two months now. The first week was the hardest but, it is getting a little easier to manage cravings. I went to a week long day program through ADAPT in February and I credit that program for the progress I have made. I have have been seeing a therapist at homewood the last two months and am in a 6 week program there right not which is once a week. I also found my own therapist who can help with the complexity of my disorder and addictions.
Gambling made me a dishonest person and that is what I am most ashamed about. Lying to those closest to me to feed my addiction. The problem was my gambling addiction and I always thought the solution to that was to gamble. It was a viscious circle. I have learned a lot about addiction over the last few months and the affect it has on brain chemistry. I learned about dopamine and seratonin and how gambling affected those levels in my brain. I will hopefully go in to more detail of what I learned in a later post.
Since I have stopped betting, it is amazing to see the amount of radio and television adds focussed on gambling. I try not to listen too often to them anymore. They feed on weakness. They feed on short term pleasure. The OLG and any other gaming company wants you to believe that you are only one win a way from changing your life.
It is estimated in Ontario that 2-3 per cent of the population are problem gamblers. I would surmise that number to be lower than what is reality. If you polled everyone in Ontario who gambled and you asked them to give an honest summation of their gambling practices, I would almost guarantee that the percentage of problem gamblers would be greater than 2-3 per cent.
But still their is advertising every minute of every day pushing the illusion that you are only one bet, one spin, one ticket a way from life changing winnings. That is a bold lie. They always show winners on television for OLG adds. They don't show the devestation gambling can reape. They don't show people losing their houses, their jobs, their spouses, their self respect, their sense of worth. They don't show the affect addiction has on not just the gambling addict but, all those around them. It has a domino affect. Once the first domino of addction is knocked over, it topples everything in a persons life. And even if people such as myself can finally find their way in to recovery, those dominos can take years to be put back in place.
Gambling Addiction has the highest rate of suicide of any addiction. So many times I thought of ending my life because of the havoc it reaked on my life. It makes you lose self respect, self worth and sense of yourself. It isolates you. It brings you down in to a very dark place at times. It is not pleasant as you often feel there is no way out, not solution and no hope.
Yes their are a lot of people who can gamble responsibly. But I would summise that there are a lot more people like me than the gamblling establishments would like to admit.
It felt good writing this today. I have been putting it off for a long time. I miss writing. And there are so many things I feel compelled to write about. I want to help others and I am hoping I can speak to groups at some point. Is something I am working towards.
I hope this finds you well. Thanks for listening. Take care, Shawn.
The only way to stop your gambling debt, is to STOP gambling!!!!!
Anonymous
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