Football Season

I wrote about what depression feels like in me the other day.  I had 2 days in a row a week and a half a go where I felt like that.  The pain, the numbness and emptiness.  What I was thankful for during those two days was that I did not really have any suicidal thoughts.  I used to have days like that every day and the suicidal thoughts would be there constantly with me.  That is why when I tell people that I am very fortunate to be here and do not take my life foregranted,  I literally and truly mean it.  I want to write more blogs like that in the winter.  What the depresssion, the raciing thoughts, the mood swings, the mania and other aspects of my mental illness actually feels like.

I the issues when discussing mental health, is the simple fact that many people do not understand it or cannot relate to it.  I love Bell Let's Talk day and what it represents.  But there has always been big pieces missing in their broadcasts.  They talk of depression and anxiety.  But there are so many different levels to mental health.  What does a manic episode look like? What are signs and symtpoms? What does it feel like to be schizophrenic? Why do people feel like dying? What is the diffference between bi polar 1 and bi polar 2? What are some helpful hints as far as help not only living with a mental illness but also for those surrounding them?  I could go on and on and this is just based on my own experience the last 25 years.  My point being is that we really need to look at what is going on the inside to a certain degreee.  So that more people can have a better understanding and will be able to relate more and more importantly may learn how to listen a little better and perhaps help their loved one even just a little bit better.  I am going to try to share more of what things are like inside my brain during severe depression, during hypo mania, during suicidal obsessions, during hypo mania and so forth.  I will start writing more of these in November when I am done work.

Today is the first day of the NFL and I did not watch one down.  My bet free date is still January 27th of this year and damn was I proud of myself today.  I love football as a sport and always have but, the real reason I loved football if I am being honest with myself was because of betting.  This is the first opening weekend that I have not placed a bet in over ten years.  Football would consume 16 Sundays, 16 Sunday nights, 16 Thursday nights and 16 Monday nights all primarily because I wanted to watch because I had wagered on the games.  As I write this, it is such an amazing feeling to be free of that. 

I am determined to get to my year and keep it rolling after that.  Abstinence from gambling almost has become a competition for myself.  The longer I do not gamble, the more I want to keep that streak going.  I refuse to relapse and can never let it be an option for me.  Gambling does not have the hold on me it once did and it can fuck off if it thinks it will ever creep back in.

Truly hope this finds you well.

Take care,  Shawn.

It is a great day to have a great day!!!

Leslie Anne

The Waves

The Waves

Depression sweeps over you

Small waves at first making their way to shore

The Waves get bigger

Covering your body, the depression soaking in

Then the ten footers start 

Crashing over you as you lay helpless on the beach

Consuming you, every inch of your mind, body and soul

You fight off one monstrous wave 

And then another one drives you in to the ground

Not letting you up for air

You feel numb

The only feeling you have is emptiness

You hate feeling this way

You desperately want the ocean to be calm

Please oh please let it be calm 

It does settle eventually

But the waves can last days, weeks or even months

You grasp on to anything to stay afloat

Need some hope, need some hope 

A wise woman once told me even after the greatest of storms

The sun will rise again

That is all I can do

Fight each day to see that crimson light rise over the horizon

And fuck is it worth it