It has been some time since I have written. So much has happened in our world since my last post.
I thought about writing at various times through the pandemic but, could never bring myself to.
I am alive and I am well. I am still sober and am still bet free. My mind is stronger than it has ever been. Yes I still have tough days or tough moments but, my mental fortitude now enables me to work through things in a healthy way. I rarely have bouts of depression anymore and my mind does not race nearly as much as it used to. If you are reading this and have struggled or are struggling, just know that I am living proof that things can and will get better. It is not an easy task but, the peace I have found within myself is so worth it. Keep going. Keep pushing. You are worth it and you deserve it.
I would like to send out a special thank you to Cees Braamse. I was so happy I finally got a chance to have coffee with him last weekend. I am very grateful for his friendship. Cees and his wife Nan gave me my first opportunity in landscaping. Unfortunately we lost Nan but, she helped me so much through some difficult times and I will be forever grateful to her. I feel very fortunate I got a chance to say goodbye to her. They showed great patience with me and my illness. They gave me an opportunity to develop my skill set and work with my hands. Cees passed on so much of his knowledge to me, especially with pruning and tree work. As I have mentioned many times before, pruning probably saved me on so many different occasions. Even as suicidal thoughts used to run rampant through my mind, pruning allowed me to get lost in the moment. Just me and the plant or shrub. In that practice, I found peace. I have so much respect for him and all that he has given back to the landscape indrustry. I still to this day have not met anyone that knows as much about the industry on such a wide scale. Cees, I am so thankful for you in my life and hope our friendship continues to grow.
I no longer live in shame and guilt. Yes I still look back and wish I could take back so many things but, I have learned how to forgive myself and love myself again. I cannot change choices I made but, I can control the life I choose to live now and do my best to be the best version of myself each day and try to help others as best I can along the way.
I do not take any day for granted. Life is a gift and I am thankful for each day I have as I know the darkness that used to envelop me. I used to think that my life was meant to be a constant struggle, never moving forward. Stuck in self pity and self hatred. That is no longer the case. I look forward to what comes next. I accept the illness and addictions I live with. I resent no one and do not blame anyone for the journey I have taken to get to this place in my life. I am determined to see my life through till the end, on my own terms.
I truly hope this finds you well. There is so much uncertainty around us. I know the world around us seems pretty hopeless at times. Keep looking for the small victories in life and focus on what you can control. I believe in you.
Take care, Shawn.
“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
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