I have been reflecting a lot lately. About my journey. Where I have come from? Where I am? Where do I want to be? I have thought about my purpose. Have I done enough to do my part for mental illness? Have I shared enough of my story to help others?
Discussion about mental illness is certainly a bit more open than it used to be but, it still has a long way to go. We still as a society do not treat it the same as we would cancer or other physical ailments. We hear terms like bi polar or schizophrenia and for most of us they are just terms. There is no real understanding of what those terms really mean or what it is like internally to live with them.
I would like to do my part tonight in terms of sharing some of what has gone on in my brain. To give at least some impression of the inner workings of someone that lives with a mental illness.
Before I continue writing, I would just like to say that I am doing well and there is nothing to worry about. I want to share some things, not to instill a sense of worry but, rather to help others get a concept of the internal workings of someone who lives with bi polar type two.
I was thinking today about the amount of times suicide has permeated my thoughts. I thought of this scene in The Lord of The Rings. The Orcs marching on Minas Tirith. I thought of the drums. The constant beating. I thought of the chills it gave me as I watched the movie.
That feeling. That constant drumming. That chanting. That persistence.
That scene reminds me vividly of some of my darkest moments in life. The agonizing beat of suicidal thoughts constantly feeding my whole beating. You are not good enough Shawn. You are not good enough Shawn.You are not good enough Shawn. Just do it. Just do it. Just do it. The pain will be over. The pain will be over. The world will be better off without you. The world will be better off without you. Just fucking do it. Just fucking do it. It wont get better. It won't get better. These series of thoughts rapidly cycling over and over again. Days, Weeks and even sometimes Months.
I used to sing Beck's Loser to myself. Over and over again. I'm a loser baby, so why don't you Kill Me!!!
Like a suicidal anthem stuck on repeat. Singing it over and over again to myself.
So many times driving in my car wanting to drive it off the edge. An internal battle within myself. One side pushing me to crank that wheel over, the other trying to fight through yet another battle.
Picturing my bridge. Thinking how easy it would be. The bridge calling to me over and over. Come to me. It will all be over soon. Come on Shawn. Just fucking do it!!!
Again, I am not sharing this to worry anyone. I am fine. I just want to paint a picture of this one particular aspect of my journey.
The amazing news is that I am here to write about it. I fought through and it there is light at the end of the tunnel. That is part of why I shared such a personal aspect of my life tonight. The fact that I found a way through can give others hope. Life is worth it and it can get better. I am proof of that. I always told myself that I just had to get through the day, through the hour or even through the minute. I tried to hold on to anything to get me through.
So keep fighting. You are worth it. Life is worth it!!! There are people that love and care about you. You are not alone. I care about you. Step by step. Day by day.
I will write Part 2 of The Angst in the next few days. I truly believe it is important to give a better understanding of what it is actually like to live with it. Through knowledge, there is understanding.
Have a wonderful week. Take care, Shawn.
