Renewed Strength

I would first like to start by wishing my nephew Rylen a belated first birthday.  He is definitely part of my inner strength and hopefully he will know one day how much he means to me.  It was so wonderful to have a chance to visit with him and my awesome sister in law Deb a few weeks a go.  My brother Ry was in Jordan so I did not get to see him but, hopefully will have a chance to go visit at some point.

Today was just what the doctor ordered.  I did end up having the day off due to some inclement weather.  I could have got a few hours in but, I am thankful for the day I had at home.  I have a renewed strength and am determined to push through my little funk.  I saw my Uncle Jerry today as I fertilized his lawn amidst a light drizzle.  I told him I had been struggling a bit and he passed on some words of wisdom to me.  He told me that life will throw shit at you all the time but, that does not matter as long as you have someone who loves you.  I have lots of people who love me and in particular, Jodi and Ollie.  They love me the same when I get home regardless of how my day was and that is a comforting fact.  A psychologist once told me that work does not have to define you as a person.  I try to live that but, it is a challenge at times as most of us spend more time at work than at home.

The thing that I have to remember is that I am good at what I do and I enjoy what I do.  I would struggle in any vocation at times and I am fortunate to have a job that allows me to be outside and breathe in the fresh air.  I enjoy the people I work for and with as they are a big part of my life.  Our company is small and feels like a family.  And like any family, their will be growing pains.  I will get frustrated and others will be frustrated with me but at the end of the day, I know that we would be there for each other when it counts.  I still remember Heather coming down to Amaya's visitation which meant the world to me knowing she cared that much about me and our family.

My mind at the present time is at peace and I am looking forward to facing a new day tomorrow.

Happy Monday.  Take care,  Shawn.

Rain helps nature grow in to the many beautiful landscapes that surround us.  

Hoping for Rain

I am pulling for a rain day tomorrow. Work has been draining mentally and physically. I could really use an extra day.  I kind of wish there was only one month to go and not six. Just not having fun and is very stressful. Smitty and I are carrying quite a bit of the work load and it is taking its toll. We got in shit the other day as we rushed a property late in the day and it did not look as sharp as it normally does.  I understood what he was talking about when we went back there to fix it up.  I bagged a lot of it and it looks pretty sharp now.

Ninety per cent of the time we do an awesome job and I am proud of what we have accomplished with such an inexperienced crew. I know I am damn good at cutting and pruning and know that there would be a big void if  I was not there. I went through a similar stretch last year and everything turned out fine. I remember stopping at Dave's after work once and letting it all out. Tears flowed from my eyes like a river and I was sure I could not face another day working. But here I am a year later trying to push through again. Many people with bi-polar or other mental illnesses are unable to work. I can relate to that and feel fortunate to be able to make an attempt at staying employed. I have spent the weekend stressed and  strained with worry but, I will face whatever the new day brings tomorrow. I will write again soon to let you know how it went. Also have to catch up on a few things. Take care. Shawn.                                


Positive should outweigh negative.

Three in a Row

I am happy to announce that I have had three good weeks in a row.  It may not seem like much but, I have not had three straight weeks of mental stability in the last ten years or so.  I have been able to maintain a balance and not let events affect me the way they normally do.  I have realized that things will go wrong at times but, that I have a choice in how I handle them.  I normally have let mishaps throw me off for long periods of time and take mistakes far too personally.  Shit happens and I am learning to cope with that fact of life a little easier.

I will give you an example from last week.  I was doing the circle checks and my boss asked me to check the oil on our walk behind mower, the Ferris.  It had been burning too much oil so we had to keep an eye on it.  I took out the dip stick and their appeared to be a little piece of grass stuck to the end of it.  I was simply trying to wipe it off before I stuck the dip stick in to check the oil.  As my luck would have it,  I ended up snapping off the end of the dip stick.  I let out some profanities and walked over to show my boss the blunder I made.  He was wondering how I managed to break it but, was very kind in not making a big deal over it.  Now this little mishap would have thrown me off for an entire day in the past.  I would have stressed out over my stupidity and let me mind run rampant with negative thoughts about myself for the duration of the day.  In this case,  I too tried to shrug it off and ended up having an awesome day of cutting with Paul.

I want to ride this momentum as long as I can.  There is no reason I cannot continue this trend of a positive mental state.  I have been focused on controlling my thoughts and not letting them control me and my emotions.  I have not been thinking of jumping off bridges or driving a way on a cross country tour.  I have been thinking of the future and what possibilities the future may bring.  I like the way May is going and I want to continue the trend in to June.

I did my second independent job yesterday which was top dressing for my Uncle Jerry.  Uncle Jerry and Aunt Nancy as we call them have been family friends for a long time.  They are wonderful people and have had a great impact on my life.  I was able to work along side Jerry and finish the top dressing job in a reasonable time frame.  We ended up using three yards of top soil and had enough seed for the majority of the trouble spots.  I really hope the seed takes like I believe it should,  cannot wait to see how it is doing in a month or so.  If you ever top dress your lawn,  make sure you are watering it a lot.  Laying down soil and seed is a great way to repair lawns. However,  if you do not water it enough in warmer temperatures, then your efforts will simply not be rewarded.

I ended up making some good money for my efforts and took Jodi out to a movie last night.  We ended up seeing Pain and Gain which was not quite what I expected.  I did enjoy it though and was nice to finally get out of the house on a Saturday night.  I will cut the grass this morning and do some weeding in our beds.  Then will more than likely watch the Jays game with Matt.

Happy Sunday.  Take care,  Shawn.

If there is a problem,  look for a solution.

Amaya Charlotte Grace

Today we remember the life of Amaya who sadly passed a way a year a go today.

I never got to hold her in my arms or lay her tiny hands in mine.  I take solace in the people she was surrounded with in her short time on earth.  She was with three of the most incredible people I know, my sister Leslie, brother in law Bart and my wonderful nephew Elias.  Her parents and brother showered her with love and affection and I am sure she took that warmth with her to Heaven.

The sky line tonight is absolutely stunning.  The clouds are spread out amidst a crimson sunset.  It is fitting that on such a somber day, God fills the sky with such brilliance before the sun goes down.  I know Amaya is up there with him watching over us tonight.

Amaya has had more impact on my life in such a short amount of time than many people I have known my whole life.  I often look up in to the sky at night and look for the brightest star and know she is there.  If I am struggling at times,  I ask her to help me through and she always does.

The pain of losing Amaya will never fully go a way.  We can celebrate her life and strive to live a life she would be proud of.  I will never completely understand why she was taken from us so soon and perhaps I never will.  I can only keep her close to my heart and hope that when my time comes,  I will have that chance to meet her.

Take care little one. Uncle Shawn.  ttt

Happy Mothers Day

Wanted to wish everyone a happy mothers day today.  We had a chance to have brunch with my mom today and were treated to an awesome meal made by Matt.  My gift was the front lawn and a sprinkle of mulch to freshen up the front bed.  I had something else in mind too but,  the weather was not exactly ideal for planting annuals.  We actually had some snow here and their was definitely a chill in the air.

I am fortunate to have my mom in my life.  She has been with me through my ups and downs and I am grateful to have her consistent love with me.  I hope the changes I have made in my life have made her proud of me and that I can continue to grow in to the man, the son, the brother, the friend and the husband I know I can be.

I am also thinking of my sister today.  This is the first mothers day since Amaya passed a way last year and it must bring with it a mixture of emotions.  My sister is a strong, vibrant, caring, loving and compassionate mother and I know Amaya will always be in her heart.  Elias is fortunate to have a mother like Les to help guide him through life.  They are expecting another addition to their family very soon and I cannot wait to meet my new nephew or niece.  My thoughts and prayers will certainly be with them in the coming months.

I have had two positive weeks in a row.  I have been challenging my mind more often and fighting to maintain a sense of stability.  I am encouraged by my progress and can only hope I can continue to grow within myself.  I do need to stop worrying so much as most times, there is absolutely no need to stress about things. Much of the anxiety or worry is built up in my mind and never amounts to much in reality. 

Going to watch the Leafs game now.  Game six in Toronto, should be fun to watch.  All the best in the upcoming week.  Take care,  Shawn.

Live, Laugh, Love.

One Month Down, Seven to Go

Well, I have made it through the first month of the 2013 landscaping season.  I must say that it has gone much better than I expected thus far.  There have been some challenges along the way but,  I am mindful of the good progress we have made so far.  I am in the midst of my best week mentally so far this year which I am thankful for.  I am really starting to accept being a lead hand and the responsibilities that go along with it.  I honestly thought I would not be able to handle it but, have proven myself wrong in the last few weeks.  I take the leadership role very seriously and have high expectations in terms of performance.  I have pushed myself perhaps a bit too hard physically recently and need to pace myself more at times.

Jessie and Paul are doing really well considering this is basically their first year doing this type of landscaping.  I am far from knowing everything there is to know but, I am trying to pass on some of what I have learned.  I believe patience is the key.  There are going to be some growing pains with grass cutting until we learn how to work cohesively and they get accustomed to the big machines.  I just have to take each day as it comes and go from there.

Many of the things I have worried about, have worked themselves out.  I was worried about using the brush this year but, have become quite adept at running it.  I was worried about getting lost but, have only had one little blip in that regard.  I was worried about having such a new crew but, have been pleasantly surprised.  There are some thing coming up such as sodding jobs which I am a bit apprehensive of but, I am sure that will work out fine as well.  Grass cutting season has basically started and that is something I excel at.  Summer pruning will be here before you know it and that is also something I seem to have a knack for.  I need to believe in my abilities and do the best job I possibly can.  I want to make my boss and his wife proud and maintain the strong reputation of their company.

I am not sure why I am watching the Jays as they once again are putting forth a lack luster effort.  I feel badly for the GM of the Jays as he did everything that has been asked of him.  The players on the field are simply not living up to expectations and something needs to change soon or it will be a long year in the basement of the American League East.

Took Ollie for a good play tonight.  He needed a good run as we have not had much time to get him some good exercise this week.  Jodi had a fun two and half hour drive back home from Toronto today.  Always fun on the 401, hard to believe the Pan Am Games are coming here in 2015.  The city is simply no where near being ready to host such a world class event.  Hope they can pull it together in the next few years.

That is all for me tonight.  Take care,  Shawn.

A compliment is free to give but, it is worth its weight in gold.

Monday, Monday

Monday is always the toughest day for me as I am sure it is for a lot of people.  I was feeling a little off yesterday and today seemed like it may be a struggle for me mentally.  Turned out to be one of my best Mondays ever and Smitty was not even in today as he was sick.  I worked with Jessie and Paul and they both did really well. We made some great progress in the ten hours we worked and I am proud of our efforts.  I realize their will be some stumbles along the way but, today was quite encouraging for me.  I even got to show Jessie how to use the Ferris which was important as grass cutting is right around the corner.

I appreciate the good days and need to write about them as well.  There is no point in focusing simply on negative aspects as their is so many positives to hold on to.  I need to start checking my mind when it starts going a bit off course and remember that days like these are possible on a more consistent basis.  I have been going to bed early and sleeping through the night which has really helped.  I also have so many wonderful things to look forward to in the next few months and need to push myself when I am low so I can truly enjoy the wedding and the birth of my new nephew or niece.

We are watching Duck Dynasty which I have become infatuated with.  There is just something about the simplicity of the show that draws me in.  The cast of characters make me laugh and I really enjoy seeing what they get up to next.  No Jays on tonight which I am actually thankful for.  Toronto is really starting to piss me off with their losing ways.  I am not as prone to watch them now until they start putting forth a better effort all around.

Hope you have a great week.  Take care,  Shawn.

Some days surprise you.