Addictive Nature

Bi-Polar disorder comes with an addictive nature in a lot of cases.  I have definitely been affected by that aspect of the disorder.

I have been sober now for two and half years.  The last drink I had was on November 2nd, 2009 which I am quite proud of.  I went to self help groups for a while but, decided in the end that they were simply not for me.  They are an amazing tool for those seeking sobriety.  There were just some aspects that did not appeal to me.

I could not tell you one time where I sat down and had one drink.  I never drank every day but, could never control the amount I consumed.  I was a bad version of Frank the Tank,  an animal of sorts.  I am not proud of my behavior on numerous occasions and have to live with some of the decisions I made.  I hurt and embarrassed a lot of people close to me when I drank and I am ashamed of that fact.  I never had a filter control with alcohol.  It was always drinking to the point of idiocy and poor judgement.  I figure the best way I can make it up to people I affected with my drinking is making the changes I have made so far.  Apologies are one thing but,  actions speak far louder than words.  I still need to make amends for some past mistakes but,  feel I am heading in the right direction.

Gambling has also been part of my addictive exploration.  I still remember the first time I gambled at the Fergus Fall Fair, betting loonies on the spinning wheel.  There was a phase in college where scratch and wins were a big appeal to me.  Then it moved to black jack where its grip on me took full affect.  When I lived in Banff,  I used to play the Video Lottery Terminals at the local pubs.  There was a long time when I did not gamble at all.  Then the poker craze came in to the picture.  I had always played home games with buddies but, this was different.  There was something about the game of poker that really appealed to me.  The online poker made it that much easier to chase a fantasy existence. I was not heavy in to it until I started working as an educational assistant.  I think part of the reason I became obsessed with it, was that I hated my job so much.  Poker was my way out in my distorted mind.  If I could only find a way to win a shit load of money,  I would not have to work at a job I hated.  The thing about gambling addiction is that it does not matter how much you win,  it is never enough.  You are always trying to find a way to lose it all,  sinking in the pit that surrounds it.  I have been up large sums of money,  only to lose it all within a day.  I cannot even comprehend how much I lost in the height of my addiction but,  it affected our lives dramatically.

The funny thing about those commercials for poker sites on television is the story they sell you.  They make it appear that there is some dream world with poker just waiting for you which is far from the truth.  They seem to leave out the broken families,  the 2nd mortgages taken out, not having money for bills,  the lies and the utter shame that comes with it.  Guess that is not good for their image.  I knew a girl once that had a goal of getting to a 100,000 dollars and then getting out of the game.  She did business with a bookie and was up to something close to 90,000 dollars.  She ended up losing it all and then owing 30 000 to the bookie.  The thing about it is that it would not have mattered if she had got to the 100 grand mark,  she would not have stopped.  That money would have just fueled her addiction and she would have lost it at some point.  I consider myself quite lucky in a way,  I have heard some pretty devastating stories of those impacted by gambling.  Gambling addiction has one of the highest suicide rates which is sad but, true fact.

Although addictive nature is an aspect of bi-polar disorder,  I have never once used that as an excuse for my decisions.  I will never say that I was not responsible for my actions because I have a mental disorder.  It is certainly not easy dealing with the complexities of the disorder but,  I will not use it as a scapegoat.  The positive aspect of all of this is that I have learned more about myself in 36 years than a lot of people do in a life time.  I have fallen down a plethora of stairs in my day but,  I am now finding ways to climb back up those same stairs.  One step at a time.

Work is going well these days.  Spring clean ups are almost finished and grass cutting  will start in a week which I am excited about.  We are going to see one of my co-workers speak at church tomorrow which will be nice.

Have a relaxing weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.