Rage

My brother in law Bart was admitted to hospital yesterday as he collapsed at home.  His heart stopped beating a few times at the hospital and they had to do compression's to get it going again.  He was in the intensive care unit over night and a pacemaker was successfully put in yesterday.  He is stable now and is resting at home which I am extremely grateful for.  Bart is a huge part of my life and has become one of my best friends so I am glad he pulled through.

On the way down to see him yesterday,  I was listening to a Toronto radio station.  I am not going to mention which one as it serves no purpose at this point.  The host of the show was attacking teachers in a very negative and hurtful way.  Much of what he was saying was not even accurate and it made me incensed to hear those comments.  Jodi is a teacher and many of my friends are teachers so I took it very personally.  I responded in a rage with an ill advised e-mail to the host which was in turn read on the air.  As it was a reactionary e-mail written in anger, rather than with concise thought,  the spelling and sentence structures were not exactly literary works of art.  I also dropped an F bomb at the end of it.  Needless to say,  it backfired on me.  It was read on air and was mocked profusely for its grammatical imperfections and the point I was trying to make was lost in the rage induced rant.

Although my intentions were only to defend my wife and good friends,  I did not approach it in a sensible way.  I reacted immediately and did not take the time to think about what I was saying.  By responding to his comments in anger,  I gave him the upper hand as it proved that he was able to affect my deepest emotions.  The lesson I learned is that I need to take time to pause, think things through and then proceed with any actions or words that I deem fit.  I will not make that mistake again and need to pay heed to that statement for all aspects of my life.

I have been having a hard time of late.  The "downzies" have been slowly creeping back in to my life. I have started to only see the negative aspects of my situation and have taken great comfort in feeling sorry for myself.  I only have myself to blame as saving money for times like this has not always been my strong suit.  I seem to kick myself after the fact and need to make better provisions for this time of year the next time around.  I have applied for some jobs and am anxiously awaiting some snow.  I have enjoyed spending more time with Ollie and taking him off leash at the arena.  I have started reading Donald Miller again and love the way he writes about faith.

I am thankful for what I do have.  I need to stop living in the past and thinking about all the things I should have done differently.  I cannot change that so I better start finding ways to change the course of my future.

That is is for me today.  Looking forward to seeing Bart, Les and Elias soon.  A special birthday shout out to my little brother Matt,  Happy 31rst bro.  You are an amazing guy and a good friend,  all the best in the upcoming year.

Take care,  Shawn.

Laugh for no reason at all, it will pick you up.