It is our last day here on this beautiful island in Dominican. It has been a challenging week for me personally but, we have tried to make the best of it. After a week a go Friday when I had a really hard time, I wrote a blog with my emotions rather than with my head. I just needed to vent and had meant to take it down the next morning. Alas it was read and I got an e mail on my first morning of vacation about how disappointing my words were in my blog. My intentions were never to insult anyone but I still should not have wrote it. Just wish those few days before the trip had gone a lot differently. I have been looking forward to this trip for a year now and have spent much of the week in a depression. I have cried on numerous occasions and have had some intense suicidal thoughts. All I have been able to think about is this coming Monday morning and what is going to happen to me. Not sure if I have the strength to face it. It is often forgotten as I function well at times that I have a serious mental disorder. Nobody can realize how many negative thoughts and emotions run through my head on a daily basis. I sat on the beach on Dave's wedding night crying for twenty minutes asking God what I am supposed to do. I try so hard to live a good life but, it is difficult to constantly fight inner battles. Nothing is worth my life but, it becomes increasingly painful to carry such negative emotion. One thing this trip had shown me is that I have lots if people that love and care about me. So many good people and things to live for so I will do my best to push through. Another thing I realized again on this trip is how amazing Jodi is. She did not let me sink deeper this week but, pushed me to do activities to help me focus in other things. Always making sure I just took it one moment at a time. I love her dearly.
Hope you had a good week. Take care, Shawn.
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