Frustrating

I am off this week.  I left work after only an hour on Friday due to the tendinitis that has been impeding me over the last two months.  It hurt just to squeeze a blower trigger.  We had a rain day Monday so I thought I should go see my doctor again about it.  She recommended taking this week off to try to rest it enough that I would be able to finish the last 5 or 6 weeks of the season.  She also referred me for a cortisone shot which may take a month and half to get in.  Ideally I would be finished work by the time I got the shot so it could actually work and I would not be in danger of regression again.  This has been extremely frustrating for me the last few months.  I have missed out on activities I love to do and it is starting to really piss me off not having normal range of motion or the strength I used to have in that arm.  I have 4 appointments booked this week with physiotherapy and Osteo.  I am taking anti-inflammatory pills which are hard on my stomach.  I am at the point today where I want to just go back and push through the pain and discomfort.  I can't make money sitting at home and I fear this rest and the treatments I am getting will go for not as nothing changes the fact that my job is very physical and the chances of nullifying any progress I make this week are very high.  The only chance my arm has of healing properly is when I am done work for the year.

At the same time I have been dealing with my elbow, I have also been slipping in and out of depression.  My mind has had a few days where my thoughts would not slow down and my mood has shifted dramatically on occasions.  Yes I have periods of stability but, my disorder is always just underneath the surface.  I navigate thoughts and moods every day and it can be draining.  It still bothers me when people say that everyone has bad days.  I am going to write about a typical "bad" day for me soon and see if you would think that would constitute normal thought patterns. 

I have been doing a lot of thinking lately about my future and what path lies ahead for me.  I love landscaping and this year has been amazing.  At the same time though, I am starting to realize that age is catching up to me a bit and my body is sending me messages through what I have pushed through physically this year.  I would love to take the winter to really pursue a vocation in writing as it has always been a dream of mine.  I do not want to look back twenty years from now and regret never having taken a shot.  Landscaping has provided me with a passion and in a lot of ways was one of the factors that has saved my life.  I am not sure what next year will bring for me but, I will always be thankful for experiences I have shared with others through landscaping.  And especially for the opportunity to have learned the art of pruning.  As I have said many times,  it is the only thing that really brings my mind peace.

That is it for me today.  I hope this finds you well.  Take care,  Shawn.

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The pain of the mind is worse than the pain of the body.

Publilius Syrus