9 Years Baby

On November 2nd, I celebrated nine years of sobriety.  I find it hard to believe at times that I have been able to remain sober for that length of time.  I take great pride in my sobriety.  It is certainly far from easy living with Bi Polar type 2 but,  it has been a lot easier to manage without alcohol clouding my mind.  I could never have one drink.  I never knew when to stop and my personality changed.  I was not always proud of the person I was when I drank and I am thankful I made that choice to abstain from booze.  I have made as many amends as I can and would apologize to every person that ever was affected by my drinking in person if I could.  I hope by the way I've tried to live my life over the last 9 years of sobriety shows that it is possible to change.  I loved to drink but,  it became clear to me that if I was going to make it through my life with bi polar, I had to make choice for myself and for those around me.  If I hadn't , I would have lost everything and there is very good chance that I would be dead.  I am way more fun without alcohol than I ever was when I drank and I no longer have to be ashamed of myself.  I realized that the issues that I struggled with in my life with bi polar, would never diminish with alcohol.  Self medicating with alcohol may hide the pain temporarily but,  in most cases it made thing worse.  My mind is already difficult to manage and it became clear that using the crux of alcohol would never get me to where I wanted to be.

I recently watched an amazing documentary on bi polar illness.  If you have some time to watch, it is the most real portrayal of bi polar that I have seen on a program.  Stephen Fry was gracious enough to put himself out there with some of the struggles he has faced and there are many others that share their story in the program.  Just search,  The Secret Life of a Manic Depressive, and you should be able to see the documentaries.  There are three in total.  It started as a two part documentary ten years a go and then there is a third program that follows the originals up ten years later.  I really recommend them to anyone really.  Not only are they useful for those who struggle with mental illness but, they would help friends and family understand a little more about the bi polar illness itself.

That is it for me today.  I do plan on writing a lot more in the upcoming months.  Hope this finds you well.  One step at a time.  Take care,  Shawn.

“Now I’m
sober and I
realize, I
didn’t drink to
escape the world,
I drank to escape
myself”
― Phil Volatile, Crushed Black Velvet

One More Season In The Books

I am now done for the season.  It just got to a point where it was becoming too difficult to continue with the pain and discomfort in my elbow.  It was disappointing for me not be able to finish as I have finished every season over the last 8 years.  It was the right thing to do to take an earlier lay off though for the long term health of my arm.  If I want to have the possibility of continuing in this industry, I need to be able to get my physical health back on track for the spring.

This was by far my best season in landscaping.  The company I worked for treated me extremely well and I am thankful for the opportunity they gave me.  I looked forward to work and truly enjoyed the people I had the opportunity to work with.  My supervisor was amazing and I have never met someone so passionate about their work.  He was very patient with me when I had a difficult stretch and gave me the leeway to get through it.  Living with bi polar is very challenging but, it is also difficult for others at times.  As my mood can shift drastically in short order, I can be hard to read.  After my tough stretch,  I really tried to change my mind set and focus on bringing positive energy to work.  I worked at not allowing what I may be struggling with to affect my work and my relationships with the people I worked with.  It was not always easy but, I believe I found a good balance.

The area that I have come the furthest with in terms of work is separating work from my home life.  I used to bring work home with me all the time and would allow my stresses and anxieties to affect relationships outside of the work place.  There was only a few times where I allowed work to consume my thoughts on weekends.  Otherwise, I have made great strides in that department.  Employment has always been a challenging endeavor for me and I am grateful for the landscaping industry allowing me the opportunity to grow both professionally and personally.

I mentioned in my last blog that it may be time for me to move on from landscaping.  I wrote that not really intending to close the door on the work that has given me a passion in life.  I will always keep the door open to returning for a 9th season and I believe I have found a home with this company.  All I was trying to say is that I would like to take some time to look in to other endeavors simply based on the physical strain my body goes through in this business.  I am 42 now and I only know one way to work.  At the same time,  I truly enjoy my work and it has been something that I seem to be very good at.  The other reason is that there has always been a part of me that wanted to look in to some avenue to pursue writing.  Writing would be my dream job and I want to allow myself to at least look in to some sort of way that I may be able to live that dream.  I would also like to do some more public speaking to share my story and perhaps help others living with bi polar disorder or other mental illnesses.  But I will never shut the door on landscaping as it has given me the opportunity to have a passion and to have created bonds with many of the people I have had the chance to work with. 

I am hoping in the next month, my elbow will start to heal and I can start enjoying opportunities to participate in sports again and getting back to the gym to establish good routines for the winter.  I really miss playing hoops and hanging out with the guys.  Really looking forward to getting back out there.

I truly hope this finds you well.  Have a great weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.


 Kindness is a language which the deaf can hear and the blind can see. Mark Twain