Well it has been quite some time since I have written. Jodi has been busy finishing her last kindergarten report cards so I have not used the computer much over the last few months. I have really missed writing and look forward to doing more of it in the near future.
Since I last wrote, I have celebrated 4 months abstinence from gambling. No lottery tickets, no bingo , no poker, no sports betting ... Absolutely nothing and it feels amazing.
I nearly lost my life in January. The past four or five months have been very difficult for me and for those closest to me. But the results of my work have been astounding. My whole life, I saw my identity as being somone who lived with bi polar and having addictions. I could not see outside of that. I could not find space to dream, to have goals or to allow myself to be loved. My mind was stuck in a perpetual hamster wheel and there did not seem as though there was any way off of it.
I have had many relapses before and I cannot pinpoint exactly why the experience in Janurary triggered a tsunami of change with my entire mind set. Perhaps it truly was my rock bottom. I was tired of my life being attached to bi polar , to an addiction to alchol and to being a compulsive gambler. I knew something drastic had to happen in the way I approached life or I would end up losing everyone important to me and ultimately my life.
The timing of getting in to the Adapt Program and reconnecting with my counselor at Homewood Health could not have worked out better. I am very fortunate and thankful to get the help I did in short succession. And the folks at Here 24/7 were amazing at following up with me. Not to metnion the amount of people, friends and family, that reached out to me and made me feel like I was not alone. They helped me believe enough that my life was worth fighting for and that I did have the capacity within myself for this type of change. Never underestimate the power of a phone call or a message. It may seem inconsequential at the time but, sometimes somone just needs to know you are thinking of them.
Now my mind is in a place I have never really experienced before. This is the healthiest my mind has been in over 25 years and I do not take this new lease on life for granted. It is something of a miracle and I am very proud of myself for the work I have done. I still have a lot of work to do and I will have to continue to work everyday for my lifetime to maitain stability and a better balance in my life. I now have hopes, dreams and goals I want to work towards. My marriage is better, my relationships are better and my work is better. Gambling had a vice grip on my daily life. It had put such a huge weight on my shoulders, living two lives and keeping things from those closest to me. Now I can tell it to fuck off. I have seen how much control it had over me. I see that now because the joy I get out of each day was never there before. Gambling never allowed me to feel any joy. It won't control me again. Relapse is not an option for me anymore. I see this as my last shot and I refuse to fuck it up.
A big part of finidng a much healthier mind was learning how to love myself. I have never really been able to do that. Most of my adult life I was entwined in a cycle of guilt and shame. Never feeling worthy of anything. Big part of why suicdial thoughts were so rampant a lot of the time. I have found the ability to forgive myself. I constantly lived in the past. I certainly have made a lot of choices in my life that I am not proud of and wish I could take back. Decisions I have made have impacted others and that is my biggest regret. I could never let myselft get past that. I never had any intentions of hurting anyone with my behaviours, words and actions. Through talking and reflecting, I have finally allowed myslef to let go. I can never change the past, I can only learn from it and work hard to be a much better version of myself. I can only hope that the man I have now become and through my actions in the future, I can demostrate to those around me and to those who have known me, that I have changed in to someone they can respect and be proud of. I want my story to have a positive impact on others and I will continue to work to be an example and advocate for others who may be struggling.
I hope this finds you well . A happy fathers day to everyone.
Take care, Shawn.
Happy, Happy, Happy!!!!!!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: only a member of this blog may post a comment.