On November 2nd, I celebrated ten years of sobriety. I was so proud of myself for reaching that milestone. I know without question that if I had not made that change, there is no way I would be anywhere close to where I am now. I have access to clarity in my mind that I never had when I was continuing to abuse alcohol. Living with a mental disorder is challenging enough without adding a substance to the mix. There is also the fact that the medication I take on a daily basis would not have the same postiive affect if I was still consuming alcohol.
I cannot remember a time when I was drinking that I only had one drink. I never knew when to stop. There was no off switch. I made a lot of poor choices when I drank and was not always a person I could be proud of. I often impacted those around me in a negative way. If I could turn back the clock I would take back a lot of behaviours. I used to carry guilt and shame with me on a daily basis and a lot of that related to my days of alcohol abuse. Unfortunately I cannot change the past. I have learned to forgive myself and have made amends whenever possible. If I could apologize to everyone that was affected by my drinking in person, I would.
I can now say that I am very proud of the person I am today. I can never take back some choices but, I think I have proved through action that I am a completely different person and that change is possible. I used to beat myself up on a constant basis but, that did not serve anyone well. Shifting a mind set and changing patterns was the only way I could impact not only my own life in a postive way but, for those close to me.
I have lived with Bi Polar Type 2 for over 25 years and I have also dealt with an addiction to alcohol and gambling. These have been immense challeges to overcome for myself and I have been in some pretty dark places. Having said that, it does not excuse choices and behaviours over the years. I am still responsible for mistakes I have made and can only strive each day to be a better version of myself and work hard at sharing my story in order to help others along the way.
One day at a time. Step by step. Minute by minute.
Take care, Shawn.
