10 Years

On November 2nd, I celebrated ten years of sobriety.  I was so proud of myself for reaching that milestone.  I know without question that if I had not made that change,  there is no way I would be anywhere close to where I am now.  I have access to clarity in my mind that I never had when I was continuing to abuse alcohol.  Living with a mental disorder is challenging enough without adding a substance to the mix.  There is also the fact that the medication I take on a daily basis would not have the same postiive affect if I was still consuming alcohol.

I cannot remember a time when I was drinking that I only had one drink.  I never knew when to stop.  There was no off switch.  I made a lot of poor choices when I drank and was not always a person I could be proud of.  I often impacted those around me in a negative way.  If I could turn back the clock I would take back a lot of behaviours.  I used to carry guilt and shame with me on a daily basis and a lot of that related to my days of alcohol abuse.  Unfortunately I cannot change the past.  I have learned to forgive myself and have made amends whenever possible.  If I could apologize to everyone that was affected by my drinking in person, I would.

I can now say that I am very proud of the person I am today.  I can never take back some choices but,  I think I have proved through action that I am a completely different person and that change is possible.  I used to beat myself up on a constant basis but,  that did not serve anyone well.  Shifting a mind set and changing patterns was the only way I could impact not only my own life in a postive way but,  for those close to me. 

I have lived with Bi Polar Type 2 for over 25 years and I have also dealt with an addiction to alcohol and gambling.  These have been immense challeges to overcome for myself and I have been in some pretty dark places.  Having said that,  it does not excuse choices and behaviours over the years.  I am still responsible for mistakes I have made and can only strive each day to be a better version of myself and work hard at sharing my story in order to help others along the way.

One day at a time.  Step by step.  Minute by minute.

Take care,  Shawn.