The Angst Part 1

I have been reflecting a lot lately.  About my journey.  Where I have come from? Where I am? Where do I want to be?  I have thought about my purpose.  Have I done enough to do my part for mental illness?  Have I shared enough of my story to help others?

Discussion about mental illness is certainly a bit more open than it used to be but, it still has a long way to go.  We still as a society do not treat it the same as we would cancer or other physical ailments.  We hear terms like bi polar or schizophrenia and for most of us they are just terms.  There is no real understanding of what those terms really mean or what it is like internally to live with them.

I would like to do my part tonight in terms of sharing some of what has gone on in my brain.  To give at least some impression of the inner workings of someone that lives with a mental illness. 

Before I continue writing, I would just like to say that I am doing well and there is nothing to worry about.  I want to share some things, not to instill a sense of worry but, rather to help others get a concept of the internal workings of someone who lives with bi polar type two.

I was thinking today about the amount of times suicide has permeated my thoughts.  I thought of this scene in The Lord of The Rings.  The Orcs marching on Minas Tirith.  I thought of the drums.  The constant beating.  I thought of the chills it gave me as I watched the movie.

That feeling.  That constant drumming.  That chanting.  That persistence.

That scene reminds me vividly of some of my darkest moments in life.  The agonizing beat of suicidal thoughts constantly feeding my whole beating.  You are not good enough Shawn.  You are not good enough Shawn.You are not good enough Shawn.  Just do it.  Just do it.  Just do it.  The pain will be over.  The pain will be over.  The world will be better off without you.  The world will be better off without you.  Just fucking do it.  Just fucking do it.  It wont get better.  It won't get better.  These series of thoughts rapidly cycling over and over again. Days, Weeks and even sometimes Months.  

I used to sing Beck's Loser to myself.  Over and over again.  I'm a loser baby, so why don't you Kill Me!!!

Like a suicidal anthem stuck on repeat.  Singing it over and over again to myself.

So many times driving in my car wanting to drive it off the edge.  An internal battle within myself.  One side pushing me to crank that wheel over, the other trying to fight through yet another battle.

Picturing my bridge.  Thinking how easy it would be.  The bridge calling to me over and over.  Come to me.  It will all be over soon.  Come on Shawn.  Just fucking do it!!!

Again,  I am not sharing this to worry anyone.  I am fine.  I just want to paint a picture of this one particular aspect of my journey.

The amazing news is that I am here to write about it.  I fought through and it there is light at the end of the tunnel.  That is part of why I shared such a personal aspect of my life tonight.  The fact that I found a way through can give others hope.  Life is worth it and it can get better.  I am proof of that.  I always told myself that I just had to get through the day, through the hour or even through the minute.  I tried to hold on to anything to get me through.

So keep fighting.  You are worth it. Life is worth it!!! There are people that love and care about you.  You are not alone.  I care about you.  Step by step.  Day by day.

I will write Part 2 of The Angst in the next few days.  I truly believe it is important to give a better understanding of what it is actually like to live with it.  Through knowledge, there is understanding.

Have a wonderful week.  Take care,  Shawn.

Determined

It has been some time since I have written.  So much has happened in our world since my last post.
I thought about writing at various times through the pandemic but, could never bring myself to.

I am alive and I am well.  I am still sober and am still bet free.  My mind is stronger than it has ever been.  Yes I still have tough days or tough moments but,  my mental fortitude now enables me to work through things in a healthy way.  I rarely have bouts of depression anymore and my mind does not race nearly as much as it used to.  If you are reading this and have struggled or are struggling,  just know that I am living proof that things can and will get better.  It is not an easy task but, the peace I have found within myself is so worth it.  Keep going.  Keep pushing.  You are worth it and you deserve it.

I would like to send out a special thank you to Cees Braamse.  I was so happy I finally got a chance to have coffee with him last weekend.  I am very grateful for his friendship.  Cees and his wife Nan gave me my first opportunity in landscaping.  Unfortunately we lost Nan but,  she helped me so much through some difficult times and I will be forever grateful to her.  I feel very fortunate I got a chance to say goodbye to her.  They showed great patience with me and my illness.  They gave me an opportunity to develop my skill set and work with my hands.  Cees passed on so much of his knowledge to me,  especially with pruning and tree work.  As I have mentioned many times before,  pruning probably saved me on so many different occasions.  Even as suicidal thoughts used to run rampant through my mind,  pruning allowed me to get lost in the moment.  Just me and the plant or shrub.  In that practice, I found peace.  I have so much respect for him and all that he has given back to the landscape indrustry.  I still to this day have not met anyone that knows as much about the industry on such a wide scale.  Cees,  I am so thankful for you in my life and hope our friendship continues to grow.

I no longer live in shame and guilt.  Yes I still look back and wish I could take back so many things but,  I have learned how to forgive myself and love myself again.  I cannot change choices I made but,  I can control the life I choose to live now and do my best to be the best version of myself each day and try to help others as best I can along the way.

I do not take any day for granted.  Life is a gift and I am thankful for each day I have as I know the darkness that used to envelop me.  I used to think that my life was meant to be a constant struggle,  never moving forward.  Stuck in self pity and self hatred.  That is no longer the case.  I look forward to what comes next.  I accept the illness and addictions I live with.  I resent no one and do not blame anyone for the journey I have taken to get to this place in my life.  I am determined to see my life through till the end,  on my own terms.

I truly hope this finds you well.  There is so much uncertainty around us.  I know the world around us seems pretty hopeless at times.  Keep looking for the small victories in life and focus on what you can control.  I believe in you.

Take care,  Shawn.


“Everyone thinks of changing the world, but no one thinks of changing himself.”
― Leo Tolstoy

One Year Baby!!!!

I did it!  I have gone a year without placing a single bet.  Damn does it feel good.

If you had told me a year a go that I would not gamble on anything for a whole year,  I simply would not have believed you.  But step by step and day by day, I have managed to get to this point.  It took a lot of discipline and hard work but, it was all worth it.  The sense of freedom I now have and the brighter outlook of my future is worth so much more than any dollar amount I ever won or lost gambling.

I got to chair my GA meeting tonight.  I walked in to that room with a huge smile on my face and it remained there for quite a while.  Everyone was so proud of me and happy to celebrate that achievement.  And they should celebrate it with me.  It was a group effort.  When I walked in to that room last year, I was broken with no hope of putting back the pieces.  By continuing to be part of that group and sharing in the stories and struggles of others, I was slowly able to put the pieces back together.  There is tremendous power is sharing with others.  I got so much from listening to others and I am sure they got things from listening to me.  Whether they had 20 years of abstinence or one week,  it all helped me get to this point.  I would like to send out a special thank you to Wayne J for being there every week and inspiring me to push through.

This past year was not just about conquering my addiction to gambling.  It was a massive overhaul of my brain.  I realised that I had to make a life changing shift in the way I thought if I wanted to avoid continuing to spin my tires and running on the same hamster wheel if I wanted to have any hope of living a fulfilling life.  It certainly was not easy.  But I know now that I had to go through what I did last winter in order to get to the point I am at.  I am finally after all of these years, at peace with myself.  I certainly have many regrets and I would change a lot of things if I had the power to go back in time.  But I do not.  I was always stuck as I could never forgive myself or let go.  I could never love myself or feel I deserved love.  I lived constantly in guilt and shame and my mind reminded me diligently of the ways I fucked up my life.  That was one of the biggest shifts this year.  I learned how to forgive myself and to love myself.  I now try each day to be the best version of myself.  I am proud of who I am now.  I always knew this person was in me.  I had let my mental illness and my addictions control my state of being for over 25 years.  I had affected so many people along the way with my words, choices and behaviours . I used to post this blog as Roller Coaster.  I originally wrote under this name as I often thought as Bi Polar Disorder as being a roller coaster.  The extreme highs and the extreme lows. Up, Down, corners, slow turns, fast turns and bumps along the way.  And others being taken on the ride without even knowing it and then unsure how to get off the Canadian Mindbuster that was my brain and life at times.  This year that fucking ended.  I took control of my thoughts, my emotions, my choices and behaviours.  No more would I let my illness or my addictions dictate who I was as a person.  Yes they are a part of me and I embrace that but,  there is so much more to me now.  I am a better husband, son, brother and friend.  People can be proud to know me and the example I am living now.  I am determined to stay this course.  I do not want the pain, suffering and angst that my illness and addictions have thrown on me and those around me to go in vain.  I want to make a difference. I want to share with others.  I want to help others. My journey will have a silver lining play book.

I know there are people out there struggling right now.  Whether it be with addiction, mental illness or something else.  I want you to know that you are not alone.  I have been there.  There is help.  You can do it and you are worth it.  Someone out there cares for you.  I care for you. The light will show itself at some point amidst the darkness.  Keep fighting.

Take care and hope you have a beautiful week. 

Shawn