One Year Baby!!!!

I did it!  I have gone a year without placing a single bet.  Damn does it feel good.

If you had told me a year a go that I would not gamble on anything for a whole year,  I simply would not have believed you.  But step by step and day by day, I have managed to get to this point.  It took a lot of discipline and hard work but, it was all worth it.  The sense of freedom I now have and the brighter outlook of my future is worth so much more than any dollar amount I ever won or lost gambling.

I got to chair my GA meeting tonight.  I walked in to that room with a huge smile on my face and it remained there for quite a while.  Everyone was so proud of me and happy to celebrate that achievement.  And they should celebrate it with me.  It was a group effort.  When I walked in to that room last year, I was broken with no hope of putting back the pieces.  By continuing to be part of that group and sharing in the stories and struggles of others, I was slowly able to put the pieces back together.  There is tremendous power is sharing with others.  I got so much from listening to others and I am sure they got things from listening to me.  Whether they had 20 years of abstinence or one week,  it all helped me get to this point.  I would like to send out a special thank you to Wayne J for being there every week and inspiring me to push through.

This past year was not just about conquering my addiction to gambling.  It was a massive overhaul of my brain.  I realised that I had to make a life changing shift in the way I thought if I wanted to avoid continuing to spin my tires and running on the same hamster wheel if I wanted to have any hope of living a fulfilling life.  It certainly was not easy.  But I know now that I had to go through what I did last winter in order to get to the point I am at.  I am finally after all of these years, at peace with myself.  I certainly have many regrets and I would change a lot of things if I had the power to go back in time.  But I do not.  I was always stuck as I could never forgive myself or let go.  I could never love myself or feel I deserved love.  I lived constantly in guilt and shame and my mind reminded me diligently of the ways I fucked up my life.  That was one of the biggest shifts this year.  I learned how to forgive myself and to love myself.  I now try each day to be the best version of myself.  I am proud of who I am now.  I always knew this person was in me.  I had let my mental illness and my addictions control my state of being for over 25 years.  I had affected so many people along the way with my words, choices and behaviours . I used to post this blog as Roller Coaster.  I originally wrote under this name as I often thought as Bi Polar Disorder as being a roller coaster.  The extreme highs and the extreme lows. Up, Down, corners, slow turns, fast turns and bumps along the way.  And others being taken on the ride without even knowing it and then unsure how to get off the Canadian Mindbuster that was my brain and life at times.  This year that fucking ended.  I took control of my thoughts, my emotions, my choices and behaviours.  No more would I let my illness or my addictions dictate who I was as a person.  Yes they are a part of me and I embrace that but,  there is so much more to me now.  I am a better husband, son, brother and friend.  People can be proud to know me and the example I am living now.  I am determined to stay this course.  I do not want the pain, suffering and angst that my illness and addictions have thrown on me and those around me to go in vain.  I want to make a difference. I want to share with others.  I want to help others. My journey will have a silver lining play book.

I know there are people out there struggling right now.  Whether it be with addiction, mental illness or something else.  I want you to know that you are not alone.  I have been there.  There is help.  You can do it and you are worth it.  Someone out there cares for you.  I care for you. The light will show itself at some point amidst the darkness.  Keep fighting.

Take care and hope you have a beautiful week. 

Shawn