50

 Hello and happy day to you.

Also a happy new year to everyone.  All the best in your next year of life.

I turn 50 next Tuesday.  This is a big birthday for a lot of people but, it is especially significant to me and my journey living with Bi Polar 2 disorder.  As you may know from reading some of these posts, I have struggled with suicidal ideation for the majority of my adult life.  If you had asked me 30 years a go if I would be celebrating 50 next week, my truthful answer would have been no.  I do not take where I am now for granted.  I realize a lot of people have been there for me along the way and I eternally grateful to everyone that has been part of my 50 years on this earth.  The main reason I am where I am at mentally now and with my addictions is my wife Jodi.  She has embodied the vow , in sickness and in health, and I certainly not be at the place I am in if she had not made the choice to stay with me.  I was sick for a very long time and her love, friendship, laughter and support helped me push through some very dark times.

I often cycle my life through my mind.  And as I am on the verge of this milestone, I have done it more than usual.  I have been pushing myself to reach for positive experiences in my life as I lived in gult and shame for so long.  If I could change the past,  I would take back so many choices in a heart beat.  But that is not how life works.  I am working on self acceptance and part of the reason I am so open about my experiences is that I want to somehow reach others who may be struggling.  The fact that I have reached this point is proof that it is possible to push through the darkness and find a way to fight each day to reach the light.  

I am going to make a better attempt to write more this year.  It soothes my soul when I write and if I can help a few people along the way, then I feel it important to continue to share along the way.

Take care

Shawn

The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize the situation is over, you cannot move forward.

Steve Maraboli