Amends

 It has been quite the winter here.  So much snow.  With a lot of inclement weather, I have driven past many serious accidents in the past few months.  It has driven home the point to me that tomorrow is not promised to us and we need to take advantage of being in the present each day.

With that being said, I felt it important that while I am still alive and well that I write an amends post.  I have lived with bi-polar two disorder and addictions to alcohol and gambling for most of my adult life.

Although it has been a very challenging and long journey for me,  the hardest part has always been the shame and guilt of how my choices, behaviours and actions have affected others.  I can now say that I am very proud of the person I am but, that was not always the case.  I would give anything to take back some of my choices along the way and not being able to do that tormented me for a very long time. 

My mental disorder and addictions are no excuse.  I am still responsible for my choices, actions and behaviours in my life thus far.  I wanted to take this time to reach out to anyone that was ever impacted by me in a negative way and let you know that I am deeply sorry.  I can't expect forgiveness,  just know that I am trying my very best to live my best life now,  set a good example for others and share my story in hopes of helping others not only to makes it easier for those suffering, but also for the people, family and friends that are impacted a long the way.

Take care, Shawn.

We All Bleed Red

 Blood flows through all of us.  It is in every single person on Earth.  We would cease to exist as humans on this planet without it coursing through our veins feeding the precious heart within each of us.

Blood does not discriminate.  Blood is not concerned with race, religion, politics or sexuality.  It only cares about sustaining life.  When we get cut, blood comes out of each us the same colour.  Uniting us as a humanity and showing that all of us really are the same in so many ways.

This is a critical time in our existence.  The world seems to be crumbling around us at times and it can be a daunting feeling.  There is so much that it is out of our control and what does that leave us with.  Kindness, compassion and empathy for our fellow men and women.  These are things that do not cost a thing and can go a long way in healing wounds that have been amongst us for a very long time.

So the next time you judge, hate or discriminate against someone simply based on what they believe or what they look like,  really take a look at yourself and how you could impact change.

And remember one vital thing for all us,  

WE ALL BLEED RED

Keep Moving

 Happy New Year's Eve.  Hope this finds you well.

As we turn the page on another year,  I wanted to write one more post that me be helpful in some way.

I would like to share a story about my first day of the season this past year in early April.  This was the first full season of my return the landscaping industry.  I have osteoarthritis in both of my hips and have had a crippling issue at times with my SI joint on my right side.  Last winter I made some progress with my physical issues but, I was still very limited with movement, especially on my right side.

My first day back in the spring was full of anticipation and it felt wonderful to be back working outside where I belong.  The day started off well but as the morning progressed the SI joint on my right side was in immense pain and the pain shot down the back of my leg.  I could barely walk and was gritting my teeth with each step.  Inside my mind I was thinking I was not going to make it through the first day let alone the grind of an 8 month season.

It was at that point that the healthy part of my brain kicked in.  I just told myself to keep moving.  One step at a time.  It will eventually get better.  The pain will subside.  A lot of people deal with pain.  Just keep moving Shawn.  Not only did I get through that day but, I ended up having one of my best seasons ever and only missed one day of work due to an issue with my SI and back.

To be completely honest, the last week has been a battle mentally for me.  I often find this time of year the most difficult time of year.  My Cbristmas Day was plagued with suicidal ideation and for the following few days.  I was in and out of depression.  My mood was erratic.  My mind was very racy.  And the joy I have rediscovered over the past year was gone.

As with the story about physical pain,  I just had to keep moving.  Keep pushing through it.  Getting by minute by minute.  Hour by hour.  Knowing at some point I would get through it as I have proved to myself that I could.  That the darkness would subside and I would be able to see the light of life shining through once more.  

I did not share that to make anyone worry or to feel sorry for me.  It is something I live with and I will always have to manage it at varying points for the rest of my life.  My point is that sometimes in life , we simply have to keep moving as hard as it may be.  Everyone on earth deals with struggle of some sort. Keep belief in yourself that you can persevere and that you deserve love, compassion and happiness.  You are worth it and the universe cares about you.  I believe in the power of the human spirit and that we can always overcome.

Keep Moving

I wish you nothing but the best in the new year.  May you find peace, love and new adventures.

Happy New Year

Take care

Shawn

There is some good in this world,

and it's worth fighting for.

J.R.R Tolkien 

15 Years

 Hope this finds you well.  I have not written in a while and I am hoping I can reconnect with my writing again in 2025.

On November 2nd ,  I celebrated 15 years of sobriety.  It was a big milestone for me and I felt a sense of great pride having achieved that.  When I made the conscious choice to address my alcohol addiction, it was the first step in getting to where I am today.  I have still struggled in that time with my gambling addiction but giving up alcohol was a pre curser to the success I have had with my gambling addiction over the last two years.  

I could not remember any time in my life where I had one drink.  I had no shut off switch or ability to drink socially.  I was filled with great shame for a long time in my adult life over some of the choices, actions and behaviours that transpired when I consumed alcohol.  If I could turn back time and had known the complexities of my disorder and my addictive nature, I never would have taken my first sip of alcohol.  But alas time does not go in reverse.  I can only learn lessons from my past and do as much as I can to spread awareness, knowledge and decreasing stigmas surrounding mental health and addiction.  

If you are looking for things to watch during this holiday season, Stephen Fry has an excellent two part documentary out there called the Secret Life of a Manic Depressive.  It is a wonderful documentary and gives really good insight in to bi polar disorder and the impact it can have on someone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FtImgnj5DN0

Another great documentary is currently on Apple Tv with Selena Gomez called My Mind and Me. It was very brave and courageous of her to disclose her diagnosis and share some of her story being that she lives much of her life in the public spotlight.  I really respected her vulnerability in sharing and recommend giving it a watch.  

During the holidays, many people are often looking for charities to donate to.  If I could suggest one that does some amazing work.  Portage in Elora , On works with youth struggling with addiction.  I find their work to be so important as the earlier we can reach individuals struggling with addiction and/or mental health, the better chance they will have of finding balance in their lives and reaching their potential.

https://portage.ca/en/ontario/

I share my story because I want to impact others in some way as my way of gratitude for all the people that supported me along the way to get where I am in this moment.  It seems at times like our world is collapsing around us. Many things are out of our control but, we can always impact the lives of others by showing kindness and empathy to our fellow men and women.

Have a wonderful new year.  I hope 2025 is a year of hope, strength and new beginnings for you.

Take care.

Shawn 

Goodness is about character - integrity, honesty, kindness, generosity, moral courage, and the like. More than anything else, it is about how we treat other people.

Dennis Prager

Spring Renews Strength

Good morning.  I have not kept up with my blog for the last few years and my intention is to rectify that in the upcoming months.

A quick update on myself.  I was working as a courier for almost three years but, made the decision last fall to come back to the landscaping industry.  Working in the shipping industry was simply not for me.  I put everything I had in to it but, felt no sense of reward or value in what I was doing.  I caught on with an amazing landscaping company last fall and have continued with them this spring.  I am probably doing the best mentally at this point in my entire adult life.  My addictions are in check and my general mood overall has been quite balanced.  I still have a ways to go to be where I want to be but,  I am pleased with the current trajectory I am on.

I wanted to share some of my personal landscaping tips for this time of year.  Although I have written a lot about my struggles with bi polar 2,  it does not define me as a person and I believe I have value in sharing other aspects of my journey.

Spring is here.  It signifies a fresh start in a way and renewed strength for those who may have had a difficult winter.  Flowers blooming and grass shooting up gives us insight in to the ebs and flows of mother nature.  Spring brings hope amidst a challenging time of our existence as a society.  

As many of us cannot afford landscaping services,  I wanted to share a few ideas of mine for the upcoming growing season.

First I wanted to start with lawns.  I have worked endlessly on my front lawn over the years and my efforts have been rewarded.  I have already fertilized and it is thick and lush already at this point of the year.

What I would suggest for getting started would be to give your lawn and good hard raking to remove thatch and debris from the winter.  Some lawns would have some gravel on it from winter damage.  In that case you would need a hard rake to get that out.  Aerating your lawn at this time of year is not a bad idea as well.  You can also do aerating in early fall.  It is very beneficial for lawns and you can usually find it at a reasonable price in the paper or by researching some local landscaping companies.  Compacting your lawn with a roller is also a good idea for lawn health.  

This time of year is a great time to fertilize your lawn.  A fertilize high in nitrogen at this team of year is ideal.  I am not in the habit of promoting companies that often but,  Nutrite fertilizer is still the best fertilize on the market in my opinion.  I use their 20-5-15 and it has had spectacular results.  I put it on 3 or 4 times a year.  You want to fertilize right before getting a good amount of rain if possible. So it can get in to the soil and do its job effectively.  Do NOT fertilize during a dry spell in the summer.  It will burn off your grass and have negative impacts on the health of your lawn.  Unless you have an irrigation system,  I would not recommend fertilizing in the hotter months of July and August.  

When I fertilize, I often throw some overseed mix on my lawn.  You can find overseed mix at most nurseries or landscape supply businesses.  I have found over the years that the key to limiting weeds in your lawn is in fact that strength of your lawn.  The thicker your lawn and the more seed that can be established will limit the ability of weed species to take over your lawn.  Yes you can have someone spray your lawns for weeds or spay it yourself but, that will not really solve the long term health of your lawn.  I have worked on a lot of properties that have had their lawn sprayed by a company and the results are very limited.  Spraying a lawn that is overtaken by weeds may kill the weeds but if there is no root structure for good grass then it will defeat the purpose.  If a lawn is at a point where a large portion of the lawn is overtaken by weeds , then taking out that section of lawn and starting fresh with soil and seed or sod may be the way to go. 

With the rain and warmer temperatures, the grass around here has shot up and if you have not started cutting yet, you probably should.  There are a variety of push mowers on the market and you should take your time in choosing one.  Buying the cheapest one may not be the right play for the long term. Read reviews online about mowers and choose the best fit for you.  A self propelled mower is a good option if you do not want to have to work as hard cutting your lawn.  A push mower with a mulching attachment is also a good option as it limits the need to bag.  If you have a larger property, you may be in the market for a ride on mower.  Lawn tractors are often used for larger residential lawns but, I bellieve a zero turn mower is the best option.  They give you more manoeuvrability and provide a nicer cut.  I have ridden a lot of zero turns in my 12 years of landscaping and John Deere is still the best one I have used by far.  It certainly has the best traction and also has a mulch kit option which is great for the fall.  You would be amazed at how well it churns up leaves.  There are a lot of good options out there and at varying price points.  Again, do your research and find the best ride on for your property and budget.  

When cutting your grass,  try your best to vary your lines.  It is better for your grasss to roate the direction you cut each week.  If you cut the exact same way each week, it can often creatge ruts in your grass.  Also in my opinion, I find it quite boring when I seee lawns cut the exact same way each week.  If your rotate the direction you cut each week,  you can create a type of diamond look to your lawn.

That is it for my tips for today.  I will write some more ideas for the season later this week.  Hope all you are keeping welll and wishing you good mental health.  

Take care

Shawn

 

Man"s Best Friend

On January 25th, 2021 , Jodi and I lost our boy Ollie.

He was almost 11 years old.  

I started writing this almost three years a go.  I could not bring myself to write for the longest time.  I have not written since Ollie passed a way.  I have really missed writing but, losing Ollie was devastating for me.  I was lost for a long time and am finally in a good place to start writing again.

Ollie was everything to me.  He loved my unconditionally.  Regardless of how I was feeling mentally,  he was always there.  Despite struggling with my gambling addiction, he was always there.  He knew more about me than anyone.  I could confide in him and never feel judged or alone.  

We lost him during covid so we were unable to be there in the room with him when he was put too sleep.  Saying goodbye to him was brutal and that day was one of the hardest days in my life.  I lost a part of me that day.  I still think of him daily and will never forget him.  He was my best friend, companion and he gave me the strength to push through darkness when it came.

Ollie,  I could never replace you.  You were one of a kind and will always be missed.  I hope you know how much I loved you.  You helped shape me in to who I am now.  I want to make you proud and know that your love for me will always carry me for the rest of my life.  

I know you are at peace.  Rest easy Ollie.  Pops will be ok.  

Love you forever

 

The Angst Part 1

I have been reflecting a lot lately.  About my journey.  Where I have come from? Where I am? Where do I want to be?  I have thought about my purpose.  Have I done enough to do my part for mental illness?  Have I shared enough of my story to help others?

Discussion about mental illness is certainly a bit more open than it used to be but, it still has a long way to go.  We still as a society do not treat it the same as we would cancer or other physical ailments.  We hear terms like bi polar or schizophrenia and for most of us they are just terms.  There is no real understanding of what those terms really mean or what it is like internally to live with them.

I would like to do my part tonight in terms of sharing some of what has gone on in my brain.  To give at least some impression of the inner workings of someone that lives with a mental illness. 

Before I continue writing, I would just like to say that I am doing well and there is nothing to worry about.  I want to share some things, not to instill a sense of worry but, rather to help others get a concept of the internal workings of someone who lives with bi polar type two.

I was thinking today about the amount of times suicide has permeated my thoughts.  I thought of this scene in The Lord of The Rings.  The Orcs marching on Minas Tirith.  I thought of the drums.  The constant beating.  I thought of the chills it gave me as I watched the movie.

That feeling.  That constant drumming.  That chanting.  That persistence.

That scene reminds me vividly of some of my darkest moments in life.  The agonizing beat of suicidal thoughts constantly feeding my whole beating.  You are not good enough Shawn.  You are not good enough Shawn.You are not good enough Shawn.  Just do it.  Just do it.  Just do it.  The pain will be over.  The pain will be over.  The world will be better off without you.  The world will be better off without you.  Just fucking do it.  Just fucking do it.  It wont get better.  It won't get better.  These series of thoughts rapidly cycling over and over again. Days, Weeks and even sometimes Months.  

I used to sing Beck's Loser to myself.  Over and over again.  I'm a loser baby, so why don't you Kill Me!!!

Like a suicidal anthem stuck on repeat.  Singing it over and over again to myself.

So many times driving in my car wanting to drive it off the edge.  An internal battle within myself.  One side pushing me to crank that wheel over, the other trying to fight through yet another battle.

Picturing my bridge.  Thinking how easy it would be.  The bridge calling to me over and over.  Come to me.  It will all be over soon.  Come on Shawn.  Just fucking do it!!!

Again,  I am not sharing this to worry anyone.  I am fine.  I just want to paint a picture of this one particular aspect of my journey.

The amazing news is that I am here to write about it.  I fought through and it there is light at the end of the tunnel.  That is part of why I shared such a personal aspect of my life tonight.  The fact that I found a way through can give others hope.  Life is worth it and it can get better.  I am proof of that.  I always told myself that I just had to get through the day, through the hour or even through the minute.  I tried to hold on to anything to get me through.

So keep fighting.  You are worth it. Life is worth it!!! There are people that love and care about you.  You are not alone.  I care about you.  Step by step.  Day by day.

I will write Part 2 of The Angst in the next few days.  I truly believe it is important to give a better understanding of what it is actually like to live with it.  Through knowledge, there is understanding.

Have a wonderful week.  Take care,  Shawn.