Lessons Learned

I worked almost twelve hours today and loved every minute of it.  I am thankful to still have a job that I love and be able to breathe in the fresh air on this beautiful day.

As I mentioned yesterday, I was quite anxious about today.  All my fear and anxiety over the past week was my own doing and I am thankful to be moving forward at a place I enjoy being.  I had a good chat with my boss and feel comfortable moving forward. I still wish the Friday before I left had gone differently as I had really looked forward to the trip to Dominican and I did not enjoy it nearly as much as I should have. All because of not cutting a church on Thursday at 6:00.

I have learned some valuable lessons over the the last few weeks which I would like to touch on.  The first is that the written word is a powerful tool and should be used with care.  Writing can make people laugh and fill them with joy but, it can also hurt people you truly care about.  I learned that the hard way and will never use this blog in such a manner again.  I love writing in this to share my journey regarding mental illness but,  I will never disregard my good sense and moral compass in the future.

The second thing I learned is that it is best to deal with situations head on.  If I simply had the courage to say what I was feeling in the moment, then it would never have come to all of this anguish in my head.  I find it difficult to do so at times but, it sure beats the hell out of what I have put myself through over the last week.

The third thing I learned is that I need to think before I react to things.  I cannot take things so personally and although it may be challenging with my disorder,  it is an aspect of my life that needs improvement.  I need to develop some thicker skin and let things slide off my shoulders more.  I am a good person and strive to contribute to my family the best I can.  I cannot let situations affect the many positive aspects of my life.

The last but, certainly not the least, is that I have an incredible life partner in Jodi.  She has been instrumental in my life and helped me push through this last week.  On the way home,  I was remembering all the amazing aspects of our trip to the Dominican.  Those positive memories I took home with me would not have been possible without Jodi.  She makes me want to be a better person every day and to push myself through times of darkness, fighting for hope.

I want to congratulate Dave and Meghan on their wedding.  They make a wonderful pair and have no doubt that they will share an incredible life journey together.  I owe Dave so much and I am thankful that he has found such an amazing woman to share his life with.  Hope you have an awesome honeymoon filled with laughter and joy.  Safe travels.

I was thrilled to see Ollie again last night.  Felt like I had been a way from him for a month.  It filled me with such joy to see him run up to me again wagging his tail.  I missed him a lot and hope to take him for some good plays this weekend.

Hope you have a great week.  Take care,  Shawn.

Let the good days be great and let the bad ones be nothing that I cannot handle.  Jesse Reed

Last Day

It is our last day here on this beautiful island in Dominican. It has been a challenging week for me personally but, we have tried to make the best of it. After a week a go Friday when I had a really hard time, I wrote a blog with my emotions rather than with my head. I just needed to vent and had meant to take it down the next morning. Alas it was read and I got an e mail on my first morning of vacation about how disappointing my words were in my blog. My intentions were never to insult anyone but I still should not have wrote it. Just wish those few days before the trip had gone a lot differently. I have been looking forward to this trip for a year now and have spent much of the week in a depression. I have cried on numerous occasions and have had some intense suicidal thoughts. All I have been able to think about is this coming Monday morning and what is going to happen to me. Not sure if I have the strength to face it. It is often forgotten as I function well at times that I have a serious mental disorder. Nobody can realize how many negative thoughts and emotions run through my head on a daily basis. I sat on the beach on Dave's wedding night crying for twenty minutes asking God what I am supposed to do. I try so hard to live a good life but, it is difficult to constantly fight inner battles.  Nothing is worth my life but, it becomes increasingly painful to carry such negative emotion. One thing this trip had shown me is that I have lots if people that love and care about me. So many good people and things to live for so I will do my best to push through. Another thing I realized again on this trip is how amazing Jodi is. She did not let me sink deeper this week but, pushed me to do activities to help me focus in other things. Always making sure I just took it one moment at a time. I love her dearly.

Hope you had a good week. Take care, Shawn.

Micah Francis Hope

Micah Francis Hope

It is with profound joy that I introduce my niece, Micah Francis Hope.  She was born on the fourth of July at 6lbs, 10 ounces.  She is beautiful and I cannot wait to hold her for the first time.  Micah is in good hands at Credit Valley Hospital and seems as though she is a healthy baby girl.  I am certain she will be fine as Amaya will be watching over her little sister and helping her stay strong.  The gift of Micah is truly a blessing and I am so thankful to have her in our lives.  Happy Saturday Micah.  Love ya,  Uncle Shawn.

Renewed Strength

I would first like to start by wishing my nephew Rylen a belated first birthday.  He is definitely part of my inner strength and hopefully he will know one day how much he means to me.  It was so wonderful to have a chance to visit with him and my awesome sister in law Deb a few weeks a go.  My brother Ry was in Jordan so I did not get to see him but, hopefully will have a chance to go visit at some point.

Today was just what the doctor ordered.  I did end up having the day off due to some inclement weather.  I could have got a few hours in but, I am thankful for the day I had at home.  I have a renewed strength and am determined to push through my little funk.  I saw my Uncle Jerry today as I fertilized his lawn amidst a light drizzle.  I told him I had been struggling a bit and he passed on some words of wisdom to me.  He told me that life will throw shit at you all the time but, that does not matter as long as you have someone who loves you.  I have lots of people who love me and in particular, Jodi and Ollie.  They love me the same when I get home regardless of how my day was and that is a comforting fact.  A psychologist once told me that work does not have to define you as a person.  I try to live that but, it is a challenge at times as most of us spend more time at work than at home.

The thing that I have to remember is that I am good at what I do and I enjoy what I do.  I would struggle in any vocation at times and I am fortunate to have a job that allows me to be outside and breathe in the fresh air.  I enjoy the people I work for and with as they are a big part of my life.  Our company is small and feels like a family.  And like any family, their will be growing pains.  I will get frustrated and others will be frustrated with me but at the end of the day, I know that we would be there for each other when it counts.  I still remember Heather coming down to Amaya's visitation which meant the world to me knowing she cared that much about me and our family.

My mind at the present time is at peace and I am looking forward to facing a new day tomorrow.

Happy Monday.  Take care,  Shawn.

Rain helps nature grow in to the many beautiful landscapes that surround us.  

Hoping for Rain

I am pulling for a rain day tomorrow. Work has been draining mentally and physically. I could really use an extra day.  I kind of wish there was only one month to go and not six. Just not having fun and is very stressful. Smitty and I are carrying quite a bit of the work load and it is taking its toll. We got in shit the other day as we rushed a property late in the day and it did not look as sharp as it normally does.  I understood what he was talking about when we went back there to fix it up.  I bagged a lot of it and it looks pretty sharp now.

Ninety per cent of the time we do an awesome job and I am proud of what we have accomplished with such an inexperienced crew. I know I am damn good at cutting and pruning and know that there would be a big void if  I was not there. I went through a similar stretch last year and everything turned out fine. I remember stopping at Dave's after work once and letting it all out. Tears flowed from my eyes like a river and I was sure I could not face another day working. But here I am a year later trying to push through again. Many people with bi-polar or other mental illnesses are unable to work. I can relate to that and feel fortunate to be able to make an attempt at staying employed. I have spent the weekend stressed and  strained with worry but, I will face whatever the new day brings tomorrow. I will write again soon to let you know how it went. Also have to catch up on a few things. Take care. Shawn.                                


Positive should outweigh negative.

Three in a Row

I am happy to announce that I have had three good weeks in a row.  It may not seem like much but, I have not had three straight weeks of mental stability in the last ten years or so.  I have been able to maintain a balance and not let events affect me the way they normally do.  I have realized that things will go wrong at times but, that I have a choice in how I handle them.  I normally have let mishaps throw me off for long periods of time and take mistakes far too personally.  Shit happens and I am learning to cope with that fact of life a little easier.

I will give you an example from last week.  I was doing the circle checks and my boss asked me to check the oil on our walk behind mower, the Ferris.  It had been burning too much oil so we had to keep an eye on it.  I took out the dip stick and their appeared to be a little piece of grass stuck to the end of it.  I was simply trying to wipe it off before I stuck the dip stick in to check the oil.  As my luck would have it,  I ended up snapping off the end of the dip stick.  I let out some profanities and walked over to show my boss the blunder I made.  He was wondering how I managed to break it but, was very kind in not making a big deal over it.  Now this little mishap would have thrown me off for an entire day in the past.  I would have stressed out over my stupidity and let me mind run rampant with negative thoughts about myself for the duration of the day.  In this case,  I too tried to shrug it off and ended up having an awesome day of cutting with Paul.

I want to ride this momentum as long as I can.  There is no reason I cannot continue this trend of a positive mental state.  I have been focused on controlling my thoughts and not letting them control me and my emotions.  I have not been thinking of jumping off bridges or driving a way on a cross country tour.  I have been thinking of the future and what possibilities the future may bring.  I like the way May is going and I want to continue the trend in to June.

I did my second independent job yesterday which was top dressing for my Uncle Jerry.  Uncle Jerry and Aunt Nancy as we call them have been family friends for a long time.  They are wonderful people and have had a great impact on my life.  I was able to work along side Jerry and finish the top dressing job in a reasonable time frame.  We ended up using three yards of top soil and had enough seed for the majority of the trouble spots.  I really hope the seed takes like I believe it should,  cannot wait to see how it is doing in a month or so.  If you ever top dress your lawn,  make sure you are watering it a lot.  Laying down soil and seed is a great way to repair lawns. However,  if you do not water it enough in warmer temperatures, then your efforts will simply not be rewarded.

I ended up making some good money for my efforts and took Jodi out to a movie last night.  We ended up seeing Pain and Gain which was not quite what I expected.  I did enjoy it though and was nice to finally get out of the house on a Saturday night.  I will cut the grass this morning and do some weeding in our beds.  Then will more than likely watch the Jays game with Matt.

Happy Sunday.  Take care,  Shawn.

If there is a problem,  look for a solution.

Amaya Charlotte Grace

Today we remember the life of Amaya who sadly passed a way a year a go today.

I never got to hold her in my arms or lay her tiny hands in mine.  I take solace in the people she was surrounded with in her short time on earth.  She was with three of the most incredible people I know, my sister Leslie, brother in law Bart and my wonderful nephew Elias.  Her parents and brother showered her with love and affection and I am sure she took that warmth with her to Heaven.

The sky line tonight is absolutely stunning.  The clouds are spread out amidst a crimson sunset.  It is fitting that on such a somber day, God fills the sky with such brilliance before the sun goes down.  I know Amaya is up there with him watching over us tonight.

Amaya has had more impact on my life in such a short amount of time than many people I have known my whole life.  I often look up in to the sky at night and look for the brightest star and know she is there.  If I am struggling at times,  I ask her to help me through and she always does.

The pain of losing Amaya will never fully go a way.  We can celebrate her life and strive to live a life she would be proud of.  I will never completely understand why she was taken from us so soon and perhaps I never will.  I can only keep her close to my heart and hope that when my time comes,  I will have that chance to meet her.

Take care little one. Uncle Shawn.  ttt