Today is my 100th blog post. It is coming up on two years of this blog and it feels like yesterday that I started writing it. It has helped me tremendously as it serves as a good reminder that I can push through anything. I can look back at old posts and see that although life may have seemed bleak at times, I found a way to persevere. I hope if you have come across this somehow, that it has helped you see some of what it may be like to live with a mental disorder.
I cried today for the first time in over a month. The reason is of no relevance here and I feel fortunate to have made it so long without struggling too much in my mind. Today just reminded me that my disorder is ever-present and I must continue to build on the success of the last few years. I am going to have my moments at times but, the positive thoughts seem to be outweighing the negative ones of late.
I have not taken a mental health day in two years and I am very proud of this. I have had days off for other things but, I have not been at a point where my mind was so distressed that I needed to ask for a day. I have done my best to face challenges and push through bouts of depression when they presented themselves.
The thing I need to remind myself is that I always have a loving wife and amazing dog to come home to. The most important things are family, friends and love. I have all three in my life and it helps me stay balanced. Some that struggle with mental health do not have those aspects in their lives and I feel grateful to have the supports I do.
This week is the last week for Paul at work. Paul has truly amazed me this year. He has come so far in such a short amount of time. I was not sure when he first started but, he has exceeded my expectations. He has listened, learned and worked hard to do the best job he could. I am going to miss working with him as he is such an easy guy to get along with. I hope we cross paths in the future and perhaps we will get together for some wings in the winter.
Well that is it for post 100. Hope this finds you in good spirits. Take care, Shawn.
“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could.
Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as
you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with
too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
―
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Tuesday, 27 August 2013
Sunday, 11 August 2013
Happy Birthday Elias and Karen!!!!
I would like to wish my nephew Elias and my mother in law Karen, a very Happy Birthday today. Elias turned six and we just got back from his party in Oakville. Was so great to see him on his big day and we had a lot of fun catching up with friends and family. Karen is in PEI at the cottage and hopefully is having a wonderful day.
The last three weeks have been going really well. I have a bit of the downzies today although they are not really warranted. I worked on Saturday doing some trimming and pruning. Jesse and I did a great job and the place looks quite nice. I simply forgot to prune one bed at the front entrance. We had already loaded up and I did not realize it until we had pulled out of the driveway. I probably should have turned around but, it really is not a big deal at all. I am making it out to be in my head though which is silly. We will be going by there again this week and it will take twenty minutes to finish up. No one is upset with me, I am not going to be in big trouble tomorrow and there is no need to stress about it. I take minor things at times and create bigger problems in my mind. Instead of enjoying the rest of my weekend, I spend too much energy worrying about an issue that nobody else is making big deal out of except for myself. I need to continue to push to create positive outcomes in my mind rather than expecting the worse. I am quite certain that tomorrow will go well and I will enjoy what I am doing. I need to approach it like that regardless and know I can handle any situation that may arise. As Jesse told me, "Let the good days be great and let the bad days be nothing I cannot handle."
I am coming up on my 100th post which is something I never thought I would get to. I started this as a hobby and have truly found it to be healing and hopefully helped share some of what it might be like to live with a mental disorder. At times, I wish that somehow I could have a new mind in order to avoid some of the inner battles I go through. When I think about it though, I would not have discovered so much about myself without the journey I have taken with bi-polar 2 disorder. It has not been an easy road to travel but, I have proven to myself and to others that I am capable of change. I have hurt people along the way and I cannot take back some of my poor choices in life. I sincerely hope the way I live my life now will show those I have impacted in a negative way, that I am a person they would be proud to know.
Hope you have an awesome week. Happy Sunday. Take care, Shawn.
“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.
Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”
― Mother Teresa
The last three weeks have been going really well. I have a bit of the downzies today although they are not really warranted. I worked on Saturday doing some trimming and pruning. Jesse and I did a great job and the place looks quite nice. I simply forgot to prune one bed at the front entrance. We had already loaded up and I did not realize it until we had pulled out of the driveway. I probably should have turned around but, it really is not a big deal at all. I am making it out to be in my head though which is silly. We will be going by there again this week and it will take twenty minutes to finish up. No one is upset with me, I am not going to be in big trouble tomorrow and there is no need to stress about it. I take minor things at times and create bigger problems in my mind. Instead of enjoying the rest of my weekend, I spend too much energy worrying about an issue that nobody else is making big deal out of except for myself. I need to continue to push to create positive outcomes in my mind rather than expecting the worse. I am quite certain that tomorrow will go well and I will enjoy what I am doing. I need to approach it like that regardless and know I can handle any situation that may arise. As Jesse told me, "Let the good days be great and let the bad days be nothing I cannot handle."
I am coming up on my 100th post which is something I never thought I would get to. I started this as a hobby and have truly found it to be healing and hopefully helped share some of what it might be like to live with a mental disorder. At times, I wish that somehow I could have a new mind in order to avoid some of the inner battles I go through. When I think about it though, I would not have discovered so much about myself without the journey I have taken with bi-polar 2 disorder. It has not been an easy road to travel but, I have proven to myself and to others that I am capable of change. I have hurt people along the way and I cannot take back some of my poor choices in life. I sincerely hope the way I live my life now will show those I have impacted in a negative way, that I am a person they would be proud to know.
Hope you have an awesome week. Happy Sunday. Take care, Shawn.
“Life is an opportunity, benefit from it.Life is beauty, admire it.
Life is a dream, realize it.
Life is a challenge, meet it.
Life is a duty, complete it.
Life is a game, play it.
Life is a promise, fulfill it.
Life is sorrow, overcome it.
Life is a song, sing it.
Life is a struggle, accept it.
Life is a tragedy, confront it.
Life is an adventure, dare it.
Life is luck, make it.
Life is too precious, do not destroy it.
Life is life, fight for it.”
― Mother Teresa
Monday, 5 August 2013
Happy Sunday
The past two weeks have been very positive. My mind has grown stronger and I have been focusing on the present rather than the past or future.
Work has been going really well of late. I have had a chance to do quite a bit of pruning which is where I am in my element. When I prune plants, my mind is at ease and I can simply focus on the plant in front of me. We have had three big jobs in the past few weeks which we have basically finished now so perhaps things will slow down a bit for part of August. I came in yesterday to finish off planting some cedars which turned out really well. The customer was quite happy and it was nice to get my hands dirty to start the day.
One of the aspects of my job that I enjoy is transforming landscapes that have perhaps been neglected in the past in to visually appealing finished products. It still amazes me what can be accomplished in a ten hour day. At times when we start a job, it seems overwhelming looking at the scope of work. We just focus on individual tasks at a time and I am always pleased to see how much we have finished at the end of the day.
We are having a relaxing long weekend at home with Ollie. Just finishing our morning coffees and then I have to cut the grass here and then at my parents. Probably catch some baseball this afternoon and then Dexter is on tonight. Not quite sure what to expect after last weeks episode. The writers for that show are truly gifted and really keep the viewer guessing. Dave and Megs are on their honeymoon and sounds like they have got a tonne of rain. Looking forward to seeing them when they get home and hearing about their trip to Thailand.
I believe part of the reason I was having such a hard time was that the two things I had used to help push me through had come to pass. I had been looking forward to my beautiful niece Micah to be born and she is now a happy and healthy bundle of joy. I was also using my trip to Dominican to witness Dave and Megs getting married and now that has come and gone. In the depressed state I had been in, I could not find new positive aspects of life to look forward to. Now that my mind has settled down a bit, I have found many exciting events in the future to keep me motivated. The first is Jodi's birthday coming very shortly. I will not tell you how old she is turning but, I am looking forward to celebrating with her. I am also looking forward to our long weekend with Meghan and Lincoln at the end of August. We had a great time with them at the wedding and will be nice to catch up with them and do some boating as well. There is also the start of the 2013 NFL season in September. I cannot wait for the first kick off and watch my NFL red zone on Sundays. I am also looking forward to fall as it is my favourite season of the year. The falling leaves and the crisp morning air are just a few aspects of fall that I love. So when I really put my mind to it, there continues to be so many good things to use to motivate myself when I am feeling a bit low.
I hope you are enjoying your long weekend. Have a great week ahead. Take care, Shawn.
“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”
― Albert Camus
Work has been going really well of late. I have had a chance to do quite a bit of pruning which is where I am in my element. When I prune plants, my mind is at ease and I can simply focus on the plant in front of me. We have had three big jobs in the past few weeks which we have basically finished now so perhaps things will slow down a bit for part of August. I came in yesterday to finish off planting some cedars which turned out really well. The customer was quite happy and it was nice to get my hands dirty to start the day.
One of the aspects of my job that I enjoy is transforming landscapes that have perhaps been neglected in the past in to visually appealing finished products. It still amazes me what can be accomplished in a ten hour day. At times when we start a job, it seems overwhelming looking at the scope of work. We just focus on individual tasks at a time and I am always pleased to see how much we have finished at the end of the day.
We are having a relaxing long weekend at home with Ollie. Just finishing our morning coffees and then I have to cut the grass here and then at my parents. Probably catch some baseball this afternoon and then Dexter is on tonight. Not quite sure what to expect after last weeks episode. The writers for that show are truly gifted and really keep the viewer guessing. Dave and Megs are on their honeymoon and sounds like they have got a tonne of rain. Looking forward to seeing them when they get home and hearing about their trip to Thailand.
I believe part of the reason I was having such a hard time was that the two things I had used to help push me through had come to pass. I had been looking forward to my beautiful niece Micah to be born and she is now a happy and healthy bundle of joy. I was also using my trip to Dominican to witness Dave and Megs getting married and now that has come and gone. In the depressed state I had been in, I could not find new positive aspects of life to look forward to. Now that my mind has settled down a bit, I have found many exciting events in the future to keep me motivated. The first is Jodi's birthday coming very shortly. I will not tell you how old she is turning but, I am looking forward to celebrating with her. I am also looking forward to our long weekend with Meghan and Lincoln at the end of August. We had a great time with them at the wedding and will be nice to catch up with them and do some boating as well. There is also the start of the 2013 NFL season in September. I cannot wait for the first kick off and watch my NFL red zone on Sundays. I am also looking forward to fall as it is my favourite season of the year. The falling leaves and the crisp morning air are just a few aspects of fall that I love. So when I really put my mind to it, there continues to be so many good things to use to motivate myself when I am feeling a bit low.
I hope you are enjoying your long weekend. Have a great week ahead. Take care, Shawn.
“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”
― Albert Camus
Monday, 22 July 2013
Lessons Learned
I worked almost twelve hours today and loved every minute of it. I am thankful to still have a job that I love and be able to breathe in the fresh air on this beautiful day.
As I mentioned yesterday, I was quite anxious about today. All my fear and anxiety over the past week was my own doing and I am thankful to be moving forward at a place I enjoy being. I had a good chat with my boss and feel comfortable moving forward. I still wish the Friday before I left had gone differently as I had really looked forward to the trip to Dominican and I did not enjoy it nearly as much as I should have. All because of not cutting a church on Thursday at 6:00.
I have learned some valuable lessons over the the last few weeks which I would like to touch on. The first is that the written word is a powerful tool and should be used with care. Writing can make people laugh and fill them with joy but, it can also hurt people you truly care about. I learned that the hard way and will never use this blog in such a manner again. I love writing in this to share my journey regarding mental illness but, I will never disregard my good sense and moral compass in the future.
The second thing I learned is that it is best to deal with situations head on. If I simply had the courage to say what I was feeling in the moment, then it would never have come to all of this anguish in my head. I find it difficult to do so at times but, it sure beats the hell out of what I have put myself through over the last week.
The third thing I learned is that I need to think before I react to things. I cannot take things so personally and although it may be challenging with my disorder, it is an aspect of my life that needs improvement. I need to develop some thicker skin and let things slide off my shoulders more. I am a good person and strive to contribute to my family the best I can. I cannot let situations affect the many positive aspects of my life.
The last but, certainly not the least, is that I have an incredible life partner in Jodi. She has been instrumental in my life and helped me push through this last week. On the way home, I was remembering all the amazing aspects of our trip to the Dominican. Those positive memories I took home with me would not have been possible without Jodi. She makes me want to be a better person every day and to push myself through times of darkness, fighting for hope.
I want to congratulate Dave and Meghan on their wedding. They make a wonderful pair and have no doubt that they will share an incredible life journey together. I owe Dave so much and I am thankful that he has found such an amazing woman to share his life with. Hope you have an awesome honeymoon filled with laughter and joy. Safe travels.
I was thrilled to see Ollie again last night. Felt like I had been a way from him for a month. It filled me with such joy to see him run up to me again wagging his tail. I missed him a lot and hope to take him for some good plays this weekend.
Hope you have a great week. Take care, Shawn.
Let the good days be great and let the bad ones be nothing that I cannot handle. Jesse Reed
As I mentioned yesterday, I was quite anxious about today. All my fear and anxiety over the past week was my own doing and I am thankful to be moving forward at a place I enjoy being. I had a good chat with my boss and feel comfortable moving forward. I still wish the Friday before I left had gone differently as I had really looked forward to the trip to Dominican and I did not enjoy it nearly as much as I should have. All because of not cutting a church on Thursday at 6:00.
I have learned some valuable lessons over the the last few weeks which I would like to touch on. The first is that the written word is a powerful tool and should be used with care. Writing can make people laugh and fill them with joy but, it can also hurt people you truly care about. I learned that the hard way and will never use this blog in such a manner again. I love writing in this to share my journey regarding mental illness but, I will never disregard my good sense and moral compass in the future.
The second thing I learned is that it is best to deal with situations head on. If I simply had the courage to say what I was feeling in the moment, then it would never have come to all of this anguish in my head. I find it difficult to do so at times but, it sure beats the hell out of what I have put myself through over the last week.
The third thing I learned is that I need to think before I react to things. I cannot take things so personally and although it may be challenging with my disorder, it is an aspect of my life that needs improvement. I need to develop some thicker skin and let things slide off my shoulders more. I am a good person and strive to contribute to my family the best I can. I cannot let situations affect the many positive aspects of my life.
The last but, certainly not the least, is that I have an incredible life partner in Jodi. She has been instrumental in my life and helped me push through this last week. On the way home, I was remembering all the amazing aspects of our trip to the Dominican. Those positive memories I took home with me would not have been possible without Jodi. She makes me want to be a better person every day and to push myself through times of darkness, fighting for hope.
I want to congratulate Dave and Meghan on their wedding. They make a wonderful pair and have no doubt that they will share an incredible life journey together. I owe Dave so much and I am thankful that he has found such an amazing woman to share his life with. Hope you have an awesome honeymoon filled with laughter and joy. Safe travels.
I was thrilled to see Ollie again last night. Felt like I had been a way from him for a month. It filled me with such joy to see him run up to me again wagging his tail. I missed him a lot and hope to take him for some good plays this weekend.
Hope you have a great week. Take care, Shawn.
Let the good days be great and let the bad ones be nothing that I cannot handle. Jesse Reed
Saturday, 20 July 2013
Last Day
It is our last day here on this beautiful island in Dominican. It has been a challenging week for me personally but, we have tried to make the best of it. After a week a go Friday when I had a really hard time, I wrote a blog with my emotions rather than with my head. I just needed to vent and had meant to take it down the next morning. Alas it was read and I got an e mail on my first morning of vacation about how disappointing my words were in my blog. My intentions were never to insult anyone but I still should not have wrote it. Just wish those few days before the trip had gone a lot differently. I have been looking forward to this trip for a year now and have spent much of the week in a depression. I have cried on numerous occasions and have had some intense suicidal thoughts. All I have been able to think about is this coming Monday morning and what is going to happen to me. Not sure if I have the strength to face it. It is often forgotten as I function well at times that I have a serious mental disorder. Nobody can realize how many negative thoughts and emotions run through my head on a daily basis. I sat on the beach on Dave's wedding night crying for twenty minutes asking God what I am supposed to do. I try so hard to live a good life but, it is difficult to constantly fight inner battles. Nothing is worth my life but, it becomes increasingly painful to carry such negative emotion. One thing this trip had shown me is that I have lots if people that love and care about me. So many good people and things to live for so I will do my best to push through. Another thing I realized again on this trip is how amazing Jodi is. She did not let me sink deeper this week but, pushed me to do activities to help me focus in other things. Always making sure I just took it one moment at a time. I love her dearly.
Hope you had a good week. Take care, Shawn.
Hope you had a good week. Take care, Shawn.
Saturday, 6 July 2013
Micah Francis Hope
 |
| Micah Francis Hope |
Monday, 10 June 2013
Renewed Strength
I would first like to start by wishing my nephew Rylen a belated first birthday. He is definitely part of my inner strength and hopefully he will know one day how much he means to me. It was so wonderful to have a chance to visit with him and my awesome sister in law Deb a few weeks a go. My brother Ry was in Jordan so I did not get to see him but, hopefully will have a chance to go visit at some point.
Today was just what the doctor ordered. I did end up having the day off due to some inclement weather. I could have got a few hours in but, I am thankful for the day I had at home. I have a renewed strength and am determined to push through my little funk. I saw my Uncle Jerry today as I fertilized his lawn amidst a light drizzle. I told him I had been struggling a bit and he passed on some words of wisdom to me. He told me that life will throw shit at you all the time but, that does not matter as long as you have someone who loves you. I have lots of people who love me and in particular, Jodi and Ollie. They love me the same when I get home regardless of how my day was and that is a comforting fact. A psychologist once told me that work does not have to define you as a person. I try to live that but, it is a challenge at times as most of us spend more time at work than at home.
The thing that I have to remember is that I am good at what I do and I enjoy what I do. I would struggle in any vocation at times and I am fortunate to have a job that allows me to be outside and breathe in the fresh air. I enjoy the people I work for and with as they are a big part of my life. Our company is small and feels like a family. And like any family, their will be growing pains. I will get frustrated and others will be frustrated with me but at the end of the day, I know that we would be there for each other when it counts. I still remember Heather coming down to Amaya's visitation which meant the world to me knowing she cared that much about me and our family.
My mind at the present time is at peace and I am looking forward to facing a new day tomorrow.
Happy Monday. Take care, Shawn.
Rain helps nature grow in to the many beautiful landscapes that surround us.
Today was just what the doctor ordered. I did end up having the day off due to some inclement weather. I could have got a few hours in but, I am thankful for the day I had at home. I have a renewed strength and am determined to push through my little funk. I saw my Uncle Jerry today as I fertilized his lawn amidst a light drizzle. I told him I had been struggling a bit and he passed on some words of wisdom to me. He told me that life will throw shit at you all the time but, that does not matter as long as you have someone who loves you. I have lots of people who love me and in particular, Jodi and Ollie. They love me the same when I get home regardless of how my day was and that is a comforting fact. A psychologist once told me that work does not have to define you as a person. I try to live that but, it is a challenge at times as most of us spend more time at work than at home.
The thing that I have to remember is that I am good at what I do and I enjoy what I do. I would struggle in any vocation at times and I am fortunate to have a job that allows me to be outside and breathe in the fresh air. I enjoy the people I work for and with as they are a big part of my life. Our company is small and feels like a family. And like any family, their will be growing pains. I will get frustrated and others will be frustrated with me but at the end of the day, I know that we would be there for each other when it counts. I still remember Heather coming down to Amaya's visitation which meant the world to me knowing she cared that much about me and our family.
My mind at the present time is at peace and I am looking forward to facing a new day tomorrow.
Happy Monday. Take care, Shawn.
Rain helps nature grow in to the many beautiful landscapes that surround us.
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