The Downzies

Jodi and I have termed my mild bouts of depression as the downzies.  It is just a simple term to express how I am feeling without saying too much.  I had a bout of them last night.  It was nothing in particular that had me down,  just a combination of few things.  I think part of it was that I was off work on Friday for my MRI and that messed up my routine a bit.  As much as I enjoy having the occasional day off,  work is part of a weekly structure that keeps me balanced.  I had no choice though as I had no control of when my MRI was booked.  I am also a little worried about what the results of the MRI might show.  I am sure it will not turn up anything drastic but,  it still weighs on my mind right now.  I have a dear friend who is struggling immensely these days and am scared of where his mind may take him.  Ultimately,  I have no control over events that may or may not happen but, he means the world to me and just want his mind to be at peace.

So those are a few of the issues that may have contributed to my "downzies" last night.  Jodi is a constant reminder to me that I have to push through them.  She does not take it easy on me when I experience them but,  usually gives me a good kick in the ass.  Driving me to fight through them and do something proactive about my state of mind.

I want to explain a little bit about how the depression impacts me.  It almost feels like crashing after too many coffees or a long day at work.  I start believing the "loser" chants inside my mind.  I cannot tell you how many times I have called myself a loser internally.  Believing that I amount to nothing and will only fuck up the good things I have going on in my life.  The self doubt creeps in,  telling me that although I may be stable now,  chances are I will just fall down the mountain again.  I think about life as a long haul, instead of realizing that I only have to focus on small amounts of time.  Telling myself that there is no way I can make it through another forty years of fighting for happiness on a daily basis.  Then there is the immensely popular suicidal thoughts.  My mind telling me that jumping off of a bridge or driving off the road is simply the best option.  Basically pushing me to give up on life.  I want to stress that these thoughts are never truly what I want to do,  just explaining about the process of my depressive episodes.  I do not ever want to give up on life but,  those thoughts become very powerful at times.  I do not have suicidal thoughts permeate my mind as often anymore but, they do come nonetheless.  I have literally thought about ending my life thousands of times over my life.  It used to be a daily struggle but,  those idealizations come further a part now which I am thankful for.  It is not too pleasant to think like that and it scares me to no end when they come.  I do not want to be a statistic and have my friends and family to thank for getting me this far in my journey.

That was a little taste of where the depressive aspect of my bi-polar takes me.  I also want to touch on the racing or cycling of thoughts in my mind.  I have an easier time with it now but,  it is a frustrating endeavor.   I am not sure quite how to explain it really.  If my mind starts to race,  it is like watching a slide show at a mile a minute.  Countless number of images/thoughts crossing my mind at lightning speed.  And they are usually not images of the sun rising or a beautiful garden.  They cycle through a lot of negative bull shit.  Any mistakes I have made,  any poor decisions from my past, any bad thoughts you could think of running through my head like a freight train.  I take medication at night to slow my thoughts down so I can get a good sleep.  The meds have been a god send as I used to have a hell of a time sleeping as my mind would simply not let me rest.  The tricky part is when it happens during the day.  I have a better time slowing my thought process down now but,  it is still a struggle on a smaller scale.  I find taking deep, long breaths to be therapeutic.

I know my blog was perhaps a bit heavy today but,  it is important to express some of those struggles.  There is no point of simply writing about daily life without letting people in to the complexity of my mind.  It helps me to write about it and maybe it will aide people who may come across in understanding what someone close to them may be dealing with.  I also want to stress that I am not writing this for anyone to feel sorry for  me or pity me for what I deal with.  I have bi-polar but, have not regrets as it has helped shaped the person I have come to be.  I have never once use it as an excuse for any past faults or decisions.  It is part of who I am and I write this blog to shed some light on mental health and show that we can break down barriers and it is possible to heal over time.

There is still an unfortunate stigma regarding mental health in our society.  This is because it is not visible to the casual observer.  When a person is in a wheel chair,  it is quite apparent that something is structurally not right in their body.  When a person with a cane and a dog comes walking down the street,  we can assume their vision is compromised.  Mental health in all its variations is not always visible.  Only those who are impacted by it directly have some insight in to its grip on an individuals life.  Society has trouble accepting things they cannot see,  no direct evidence of an ailment.  Just know that mental illness is real and it does not mean someone is weak minded.  The more discussions we start regarding mental health,  the better chance we have of breaking the misconceptions out there.

I feel better already after writing this today.  I trust you are having a good Sunday.  Stay true to yourself and never stop fighting for your happiness.

Take care,  Shawn.

Acceptance is understanding.