Today was a much better day mentally for me which I am very thankful for. I got an amazing e-mail from a friend and it helped me relax a little bit in terms of starting work again. I know there will be challenges along the way but, I cannot worry about everything that may or may not happen. All I can do is work hard and do the best job I can on a daily basis. Everything else will hopefully take care of itself.
I am going in to do some tree pruning with my boss tomorrow. Will be good to be outside again and haul some branches. I do not do much of the cutting but, I do learn a lot about tree pruning from watching my boss work. Will be a great way to ease back in to it and make a bit of money in the process so I can get my passport renewed for the wedding.
I found out that we got one of our old properties back from a few years a go. I love cutting it with the Deere as you can really make it stand out on the street if you get your lines right. Maybe I will post a picture sometime and you can judge for yourself.
I will miss Smitty a lot but, maybe this will be a good challenge for me personally. I was even looking online last night to see how to prune roses in the spring as it was something that I was not too familiar with. And who knows, maybe Smitty will end up in the truck at some point.
Might check out the Leafs and Bruins tonight. I do not watch much hockey but, it should be a good tilt tonight. I really hope the Leafs can hold on to their play off spot, would be nice to finally watch them make a run at the cup.
Have a good night.
Take care, Shawn.
Monday, 25 March 2013
Sunday, 24 March 2013
Anxiety
The last few days have not been very enjoyable for me. I have been going through an abnormal amount of anxiety about the upcoming season. I just found out that Smitty will not be coming back this year. He left it too long and someone else was already hired to replace him. In my head, I had always envisioned that he would be coming back as I have been texting with him for the last month. Smitty and I worked so well together and played of each others strengths. You would be hard pressed to find a better maintenance crew than us and I am so disappointed he is not coming back. I do not do well when plans in my head do not come to fruition and have been struggling immensely for the last few days.
I am worried that I will not be able to handle work without Smitty. I am worried that I will not remember how to get to some places. I am worried I will fuck up and not live up to expectations. I am worried I would not be able to fix something if it broke down. I am worried that our productivity will be down without Smitty and Marcel. I am worried my mind will not be able to handle the changes and break down on me again. I am worried about all aspects of work and I have not even put one day in.
I feel added pressure to succeed as I have to save for Dave's wedding and if I mess things up at work, it would put that in jeopardy. I feel added pressure as I have bills to catch up on and cannot do that unless I succeed in the next few months. I have put the weight of the world on my shoulders which is unfair to myself but, that is how my mind works and I am fucking tired of it. I feel like disappearing but, that will not solve anything.
Yesterday was a bad day. I was having what I imagine were panic or anxiety attacks. I was breathing fast and cried for fifteen minutes or so. I was in a dark place and my thoughts turned to some shitty alternatives. I tried to think of positive things to look forward to which helped a bit. There is my sister and the upcoming birth of my new nephew or niece. I need to be strong for her and try to push through to help them in any way I can in the next few months. I thought of Dave and the upcoming wedding. I want so much to be there and be a good best man. Dave has been a good friend for so long and I do not want to disappoint him. It will be a great vacation for Jodi and I too and I am looking forward to it. Those are two big positive things in life I have tried to hold on to the last few weeks.
I cannot predict the future but, I am hoping that things turn out for the best. I want to be a positive, supportive and productive member of our family and give Jodi and Ollie the man they deserve. I have to try to get out of my own head a bit and give myself a break sometimes. The way I have been processing things has be counter productive. Fortunately, I have a counseling appointment this week so hopefully I can talk some of these issues out and come up with a plan.
Hope this finds you well. Wish I had more of an uplifting blog today but, I had to get some of my thoughts out on this page. Thanks for listening.
Take care, Shawn.
I am worried that I will not be able to handle work without Smitty. I am worried that I will not remember how to get to some places. I am worried I will fuck up and not live up to expectations. I am worried I would not be able to fix something if it broke down. I am worried that our productivity will be down without Smitty and Marcel. I am worried my mind will not be able to handle the changes and break down on me again. I am worried about all aspects of work and I have not even put one day in.
I feel added pressure to succeed as I have to save for Dave's wedding and if I mess things up at work, it would put that in jeopardy. I feel added pressure as I have bills to catch up on and cannot do that unless I succeed in the next few months. I have put the weight of the world on my shoulders which is unfair to myself but, that is how my mind works and I am fucking tired of it. I feel like disappearing but, that will not solve anything.
Yesterday was a bad day. I was having what I imagine were panic or anxiety attacks. I was breathing fast and cried for fifteen minutes or so. I was in a dark place and my thoughts turned to some shitty alternatives. I tried to think of positive things to look forward to which helped a bit. There is my sister and the upcoming birth of my new nephew or niece. I need to be strong for her and try to push through to help them in any way I can in the next few months. I thought of Dave and the upcoming wedding. I want so much to be there and be a good best man. Dave has been a good friend for so long and I do not want to disappoint him. It will be a great vacation for Jodi and I too and I am looking forward to it. Those are two big positive things in life I have tried to hold on to the last few weeks.
I cannot predict the future but, I am hoping that things turn out for the best. I want to be a positive, supportive and productive member of our family and give Jodi and Ollie the man they deserve. I have to try to get out of my own head a bit and give myself a break sometimes. The way I have been processing things has be counter productive. Fortunately, I have a counseling appointment this week so hopefully I can talk some of these issues out and come up with a plan.
Hope this finds you well. Wish I had more of an uplifting blog today but, I had to get some of my thoughts out on this page. Thanks for listening.
Take care, Shawn.
Tuesday, 12 March 2013
Happy Tuesday
I had a first aide course today with my boss down in Guelph. I have probably take first aide and cpr five or six times before but, it was definitely good to do a refresher. You never know when it may become useful, may even save a life one day.
I was at a landscape maintenance course last week in Milton. I learned a lot and am really glad I was fortunate enough to go. There was a tonne of information to take in but, it helped my level of confidence which is a big part of why I wanted to go. The best part was on the Monday when we learned about mechanical shit. I learned more in one day than I have in my entire life about how things run and picked up some great tips. The course made me anxious to get back to work and start shaping some plants again.
I do have some anxiety around going back but, it does not appear to be as bad this time. I know what to expect for the most part and know the majority of our properties. There is the matter of who I will be working with this season. Marcel is not coming back and Smitty is on the fence right now. So I know I will be working with one new guy and if Smitty does not come back, I will have a lot more responsibility which I am pretty nervous about. Those are things that are out of my control though, so I should not worry too much about them right now. I have faith in my own abilities and my work ethic has never been in question. That is all I can control, my own effort. I know shit will create havoc in my mind at times but, I just have to continue to strive for more good days than bad ones. I want to break previous cycles and be better at adapting to situations as they arise. I have to understand that even if someone gets pissed of at me, it is not an attack on my personal character. Shit just happens sometimes.
Jodi is off for March break this week so it has been awesome to have some time together. We have to start making some plans for the wedding soon. We both have to get passports again so we need to start that process in the very near future as July will be here before we know it. Ollie has been doing really well lately. I am sure he is excited about the milder temperatures as it means he gets out for more exercise. Got him a treat for dinner tonight so he was pretty happy with me today.
That is all for now. Have a great week. Take care, Shawn.
Too much stress is something that should be avoided. Take some time for yourself and breathe in some of the simplicity of life.
I was at a landscape maintenance course last week in Milton. I learned a lot and am really glad I was fortunate enough to go. There was a tonne of information to take in but, it helped my level of confidence which is a big part of why I wanted to go. The best part was on the Monday when we learned about mechanical shit. I learned more in one day than I have in my entire life about how things run and picked up some great tips. The course made me anxious to get back to work and start shaping some plants again.
I do have some anxiety around going back but, it does not appear to be as bad this time. I know what to expect for the most part and know the majority of our properties. There is the matter of who I will be working with this season. Marcel is not coming back and Smitty is on the fence right now. So I know I will be working with one new guy and if Smitty does not come back, I will have a lot more responsibility which I am pretty nervous about. Those are things that are out of my control though, so I should not worry too much about them right now. I have faith in my own abilities and my work ethic has never been in question. That is all I can control, my own effort. I know shit will create havoc in my mind at times but, I just have to continue to strive for more good days than bad ones. I want to break previous cycles and be better at adapting to situations as they arise. I have to understand that even if someone gets pissed of at me, it is not an attack on my personal character. Shit just happens sometimes.
Jodi is off for March break this week so it has been awesome to have some time together. We have to start making some plans for the wedding soon. We both have to get passports again so we need to start that process in the very near future as July will be here before we know it. Ollie has been doing really well lately. I am sure he is excited about the milder temperatures as it means he gets out for more exercise. Got him a treat for dinner tonight so he was pretty happy with me today.
That is all for now. Have a great week. Take care, Shawn.
Too much stress is something that should be avoided. Take some time for yourself and breathe in some of the simplicity of life.
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