The last few days have not been very enjoyable for me. I have been going through an abnormal amount of anxiety about the upcoming season. I just found out that Smitty will not be coming back this year. He left it too long and someone else was already hired to replace him. In my head, I had always envisioned that he would be coming back as I have been texting with him for the last month. Smitty and I worked so well together and played of each others strengths. You would be hard pressed to find a better maintenance crew than us and I am so disappointed he is not coming back. I do not do well when plans in my head do not come to fruition and have been struggling immensely for the last few days.
I am worried that I will not be able to handle work without Smitty. I am worried that I will not remember how to get to some places. I am worried I will fuck up and not live up to expectations. I am worried I would not be able to fix something if it broke down. I am worried that our productivity will be down without Smitty and Marcel. I am worried my mind will not be able to handle the changes and break down on me again. I am worried about all aspects of work and I have not even put one day in.
I feel added pressure to succeed as I have to save for Dave's wedding and if I mess things up at work, it would put that in jeopardy. I feel added pressure as I have bills to catch up on and cannot do that unless I succeed in the next few months. I have put the weight of the world on my shoulders which is unfair to myself but, that is how my mind works and I am fucking tired of it. I feel like disappearing but, that will not solve anything.
Yesterday was a bad day. I was having what I imagine were panic or anxiety attacks. I was breathing fast and cried for fifteen minutes or so. I was in a dark place and my thoughts turned to some shitty alternatives. I tried to think of positive things to look forward to which helped a bit. There is my sister and the upcoming birth of my new nephew or niece. I need to be strong for her and try to push through to help them in any way I can in the next few months. I thought of Dave and the upcoming wedding. I want so much to be there and be a good best man. Dave has been a good friend for so long and I do not want to disappoint him. It will be a great vacation for Jodi and I too and I am looking forward to it. Those are two big positive things in life I have tried to hold on to the last few weeks.
I cannot predict the future but, I am hoping that things turn out for the best. I want to be a positive, supportive and productive member of our family and give Jodi and Ollie the man they deserve. I have to try to get out of my own head a bit and give myself a break sometimes. The way I have been processing things has be counter productive. Fortunately, I have a counseling appointment this week so hopefully I can talk some of these issues out and come up with a plan.
Hope this finds you well. Wish I had more of an uplifting blog today but, I had to get some of my thoughts out on this page. Thanks for listening.
Take care, Shawn.
I can only imagine how difficult it is to navigate your job and other social interactions when you suffer from anxiety and other mental illness. Life is challenging enough and let's face it, employers and even the general public are not in the know or high up in the understanding department. It is encouraging to see more and more awareness about mental disorders and the stigma attached to them; it is only when people realize that a mental illness is no different than any other illness or affliction that accommodation can occur - and we can all contribute to the health and well being of our co-workers and family members. I salute your courage in writing about the issues you face and experience. Not only is writing cathartic, it can help breed understanding and enlightenment. Keep up the good work Shawn. Nice blog!
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