Monday is always the toughest day for me as I am sure it is for a lot of people. I was feeling a little off yesterday and today seemed like it may be a struggle for me mentally. Turned out to be one of my best Mondays ever and Smitty was not even in today as he was sick. I worked with Jessie and Paul and they both did really well. We made some great progress in the ten hours we worked and I am proud of our efforts. I realize their will be some stumbles along the way but, today was quite encouraging for me. I even got to show Jessie how to use the Ferris which was important as grass cutting is right around the corner.
I appreciate the good days and need to write about them as well. There is no point in focusing simply on negative aspects as their is so many positives to hold on to. I need to start checking my mind when it starts going a bit off course and remember that days like these are possible on a more consistent basis. I have been going to bed early and sleeping through the night which has really helped. I also have so many wonderful things to look forward to in the next few months and need to push myself when I am low so I can truly enjoy the wedding and the birth of my new nephew or niece.
We are watching Duck Dynasty which I have become infatuated with. There is just something about the simplicity of the show that draws me in. The cast of characters make me laugh and I really enjoy seeing what they get up to next. No Jays on tonight which I am actually thankful for. Toronto is really starting to piss me off with their losing ways. I am not as prone to watch them now until they start putting forth a better effort all around.
Hope you have a great week. Take care, Shawn.
Some days surprise you.
Monday, 29 April 2013
Sunday, 28 April 2013
The Brave Soul
My brother Matt has had a very difficult week. Last Monday, he was admitted to St Michael's hospital in Toronto. He was having difficulty breathing and severe pain in his chest. They put him in to triage immediately and he ended up in the cardiac care unit. They believe a viral infection had been in his system for weeks and had spread to the heart, causing fluid to build up around it. They drained almost a litre of fluid from around his heart. We saw him Monday night and he was not doing well. He was having a real tough time breathing and in a lot of pain. They gave him morphine to help with the pain and he had oxygen tubes in his nose. He worsened over night and needed an oxygen mask to breathe on Tuesday. I visited him Tuesday and spent a lot of time wiping his forehead and neck down as he was sweating profusely. They are still not certain what the root cause of all of his symptoms were but, they are leaning towards a Lupus diagnosis. He is doing much better now and we even took him for a walk outside yesterday. He has had all the tubes and lines removed and thankfully no longer needs a catheter. I realize that at some point in my life I may need to have one but, I am absolutely not looking forward to it judging by the description Matt gave me.
I am so thankful that he has pulled through. He was a brave soul as it was truly touch and go at the beginning of the week. He is fortunate he got to the hospital when he did. I know there was many thoughts and prayers going his way and I appreciate the support we got from friends and family. Matt has always been there for me and is a big part of my life. It hurt to see him in so much anguish and I am relieved that he seems to be heading in the right direction.
It was a long week for everyone and certainly some sleepless nights. I did manage to catch up on some sleep towards the end of the week. I took Tuesday off to be with Matt and worked the rest of the week. We had a half day Wednesday so I was able to go down with Jodi on Wednesday night too.
Work is going alright all things considered. I have put a lot of pressure on myself and it has affected me at times but, I am trying to push through. Smitty has come back to help us for a month which has been nice. I am wondering though how it will affect me when he leaves at some point. I am just getting used to having him around again and having him there to lean on. I really do not have much confidence moving in to the rest of the season with two inexperienced crew. They are both awesome guys but, have no where near the experience that Smitty has. I hoping that in some weird twist of fate, that he ends up being with us for the rest of the season. It is not just that he is a good guy to be around, it is that we can trust each other when we are on a job. We do not have to worry about what the other one is doing. The properties we work on are pretty high end and there is a certain level of quality that is expected. I really do not know if we can maintain that quality in a reasonable time frame without having Smitty around. I just have to do the best I can do and try not to worry too much about things I do not control. I cannot push myself too hard to make things up or I will ultimately break down mentally and physically. As someone once told me, sometimes you just have to say fuck it and see what happens.
I was feeling down this morning but, managed to turn it around this afternoon. We got a chance to visit with Bart, Les and Elias. I helped with some pruning and yard work. Jodi got to read a book with Elias and catch up with Les. I love going to visit them as they are just good people to be around. Looking forward to seeing them in a few weeks.
That is all for me tonight. I will try to write a bit more this week. Ollie is curled up beside me and we are watching some Amazing Race. Pizza is in the oven for a late dinner. Heading to bed soon as I start early this week and get up a half hour earlier.
Hope this finds you in good spirits. Take care, Shawn.
The path to the top of the mountain may be full of peril but, the view will be worth every step.
I am so thankful that he has pulled through. He was a brave soul as it was truly touch and go at the beginning of the week. He is fortunate he got to the hospital when he did. I know there was many thoughts and prayers going his way and I appreciate the support we got from friends and family. Matt has always been there for me and is a big part of my life. It hurt to see him in so much anguish and I am relieved that he seems to be heading in the right direction.
It was a long week for everyone and certainly some sleepless nights. I did manage to catch up on some sleep towards the end of the week. I took Tuesday off to be with Matt and worked the rest of the week. We had a half day Wednesday so I was able to go down with Jodi on Wednesday night too.
Work is going alright all things considered. I have put a lot of pressure on myself and it has affected me at times but, I am trying to push through. Smitty has come back to help us for a month which has been nice. I am wondering though how it will affect me when he leaves at some point. I am just getting used to having him around again and having him there to lean on. I really do not have much confidence moving in to the rest of the season with two inexperienced crew. They are both awesome guys but, have no where near the experience that Smitty has. I hoping that in some weird twist of fate, that he ends up being with us for the rest of the season. It is not just that he is a good guy to be around, it is that we can trust each other when we are on a job. We do not have to worry about what the other one is doing. The properties we work on are pretty high end and there is a certain level of quality that is expected. I really do not know if we can maintain that quality in a reasonable time frame without having Smitty around. I just have to do the best I can do and try not to worry too much about things I do not control. I cannot push myself too hard to make things up or I will ultimately break down mentally and physically. As someone once told me, sometimes you just have to say fuck it and see what happens.
I was feeling down this morning but, managed to turn it around this afternoon. We got a chance to visit with Bart, Les and Elias. I helped with some pruning and yard work. Jodi got to read a book with Elias and catch up with Les. I love going to visit them as they are just good people to be around. Looking forward to seeing them in a few weeks.
That is all for me tonight. I will try to write a bit more this week. Ollie is curled up beside me and we are watching some Amazing Race. Pizza is in the oven for a late dinner. Heading to bed soon as I start early this week and get up a half hour earlier.
Hope this finds you in good spirits. Take care, Shawn.
The path to the top of the mountain may be full of peril but, the view will be worth every step.
Saturday, 20 April 2013
Good Day
Yesterday was a really good day. If every day was like that, I would be quite content. I worked with Heather down in Brampton finishing off a clean up and it went really well. She is so easy to work with and there was no stress involved.
The funny thing about yesterday was that I had been crying on the way to work. I was about ten minutes a way and my emotions kind of hit me again. I had got lost on Thursday and had become really frustrated. I carried that in to Thursday night and Friday morning. I was half expecting a rain day come Friday and was surprised when it was clear in the morning. I was thinking that I would have a shitty day and never expected things would turn out the way they did. I am proud that I pulled myself together to have a positive experience. In the past I might have asked my boss to go home but, I pushed through it. The property we worked on looks sharp and I am sure they will be happy with the work we did. I know not every day will go that smoothly but, I need to remember the feeling I got at the end of the day yesterday and use it in the future to achieve success.
Just got back from watching the Leafs game with Jodi and my brother Matt at my parents place. I can say now with absolute certainty that Toronto is now in the play offs for the first time in nine years. I was actually at game six against the Flyers in 2004 when Roenick put it top shelf in overtime, what a game that was. I am actually pretty excited about their play off push. I do not normally watch much hockey but, this will be fun to watch. Was great to hang out with my brother tonight. He is an awesome guy and has so much to offer. I know he has lots of good things ahead of him. I have missed my parents quite a bit as they have been a way in Cuba. They will be back in the next few days and it will be great to catch up with them and hear about their trip.
Tomorrow is Sunday which I have typically reserved for worrying and anxiety as you may remember from last weeks post. I am determined to enjoy the day tomorrow and not think too much about the week ahead. It is not fair to Jodi for me to be down in the dumps on a day we should be enjoying together. I have some odds and ends to do around here and some pruning to do at my parents. I would love to take a chain saw to some of their tree branches but, I should probably check with my mom first.
Hope this finds you well. Take care because we care. Shawn.
The mind can be your worst enemy but, it can also be one of your greatest allies.
The funny thing about yesterday was that I had been crying on the way to work. I was about ten minutes a way and my emotions kind of hit me again. I had got lost on Thursday and had become really frustrated. I carried that in to Thursday night and Friday morning. I was half expecting a rain day come Friday and was surprised when it was clear in the morning. I was thinking that I would have a shitty day and never expected things would turn out the way they did. I am proud that I pulled myself together to have a positive experience. In the past I might have asked my boss to go home but, I pushed through it. The property we worked on looks sharp and I am sure they will be happy with the work we did. I know not every day will go that smoothly but, I need to remember the feeling I got at the end of the day yesterday and use it in the future to achieve success.
Just got back from watching the Leafs game with Jodi and my brother Matt at my parents place. I can say now with absolute certainty that Toronto is now in the play offs for the first time in nine years. I was actually at game six against the Flyers in 2004 when Roenick put it top shelf in overtime, what a game that was. I am actually pretty excited about their play off push. I do not normally watch much hockey but, this will be fun to watch. Was great to hang out with my brother tonight. He is an awesome guy and has so much to offer. I know he has lots of good things ahead of him. I have missed my parents quite a bit as they have been a way in Cuba. They will be back in the next few days and it will be great to catch up with them and hear about their trip.
Tomorrow is Sunday which I have typically reserved for worrying and anxiety as you may remember from last weeks post. I am determined to enjoy the day tomorrow and not think too much about the week ahead. It is not fair to Jodi for me to be down in the dumps on a day we should be enjoying together. I have some odds and ends to do around here and some pruning to do at my parents. I would love to take a chain saw to some of their tree branches but, I should probably check with my mom first.
Hope this finds you well. Take care because we care. Shawn.
The mind can be your worst enemy but, it can also be one of your greatest allies.
Sunday, 14 April 2013
Sunday
I have the downzies today. Sundays always seem to pose a challenge for me. Stressing out about the week ahead. Self doubt creeping in again. Feeling as though failure is imminent. My mind going to negative places and feeling as though there has to be an easier way out.
I do not write about these struggles for any type of pity. I have bi-polar and I do my best to live every day the best I can. I simply want people to know how real mental illness is and the toll it can take on someone. Sure, it is natural to worry about things. It is not natural to think of jumping off a bridge or taking off and never coming back. It is not like I choose to think like this, who would really. It is not a pleasant way to spend my time and I need to construct better strategies to cope.
We did go for a walk in Elora today which helped clear the head a bit. There are quite a few nice little shops there and it was wonderful to get some fresh air. We stopped for a coffee and some delicious cookies. We went to look at the river as it has been extremely high of late. I do like Elora as it still has that small town feel. Fergus has grown so much and has lost a lot of its charm.
I worked yesterday cleaning up fallen trees and branches. It was an intense and stressful day but, I made it through. I am really hoping I get to work with Heather tomorrow. I find when I work with her, my stress level decreases immensely. She is such a nice person and easy to work with. I still hope that Smitty will roll in to the shop one morning but, I need to get that out of my head as it is not happening.
I have always had issues with employment in my life. I cannot remember a job that I did not have a hard time coping. This is the longest I have been with one place. I do not want it to be another thing that I fail at. I have to remind myself that I can only do the best I can. Yes, I will get in shit at times. Yes, some days will be stressful. But I do have a lot of attributes that could help me succeed if I just take it one day at a time. If I can make it through this season, there is nothing I could not accomplish.
I think what I am doing this instant is the only profession that I could maintain balance, being a writer. I realize it will probably not come to fruition but, stranger things have happened. I got my first comment on my blog from someone and I would like to thank them for their encouraging words. I worry at times that I share to much on these pages but, I feel like what I have been through mentally is pointless if I cannot share my story with others.
That is it for me tonight. Remember that tomorrow is a new day filled with promise.
Take care, Shawn.
I do not write about these struggles for any type of pity. I have bi-polar and I do my best to live every day the best I can. I simply want people to know how real mental illness is and the toll it can take on someone. Sure, it is natural to worry about things. It is not natural to think of jumping off a bridge or taking off and never coming back. It is not like I choose to think like this, who would really. It is not a pleasant way to spend my time and I need to construct better strategies to cope.
We did go for a walk in Elora today which helped clear the head a bit. There are quite a few nice little shops there and it was wonderful to get some fresh air. We stopped for a coffee and some delicious cookies. We went to look at the river as it has been extremely high of late. I do like Elora as it still has that small town feel. Fergus has grown so much and has lost a lot of its charm.
I worked yesterday cleaning up fallen trees and branches. It was an intense and stressful day but, I made it through. I am really hoping I get to work with Heather tomorrow. I find when I work with her, my stress level decreases immensely. She is such a nice person and easy to work with. I still hope that Smitty will roll in to the shop one morning but, I need to get that out of my head as it is not happening.
I have always had issues with employment in my life. I cannot remember a job that I did not have a hard time coping. This is the longest I have been with one place. I do not want it to be another thing that I fail at. I have to remind myself that I can only do the best I can. Yes, I will get in shit at times. Yes, some days will be stressful. But I do have a lot of attributes that could help me succeed if I just take it one day at a time. If I can make it through this season, there is nothing I could not accomplish.
I think what I am doing this instant is the only profession that I could maintain balance, being a writer. I realize it will probably not come to fruition but, stranger things have happened. I got my first comment on my blog from someone and I would like to thank them for their encouraging words. I worry at times that I share to much on these pages but, I feel like what I have been through mentally is pointless if I cannot share my story with others.
That is it for me tonight. Remember that tomorrow is a new day filled with promise.
Take care, Shawn.
Wednesday, 10 April 2013
So far, So good
This is the first week with everyone back. Heather and Jessie started on Tuesday and Paul will start at the beginning of May. It was quite different being the lead hand and I have felt comfortable in the role so far.
Monday was a challenging day for me. I was working by myself changing oils on the machines. Everything went quite smoothly as it was my first time doing something like that. Then I had trouble getting one of the bolts to go back in after I had changed the oil. It was frustrating me to no end and my boss was not around to ask about it. I was pacing around and swearing under my breath. I went to the front to cut down some grasses for a change of pace and then the hurricane hit me. All of my anxieties and fears kind of hit me all at once and I broke down. I probably cried for fifteen minutes. I was trying to hold things together but, was finding it difficult. I did calm down a bit and managed to change the oil on one more machine before my boss got back. Turns out that the bolt that had me in a tither did not go all the way back in to begin with as it had a different kind of thread. So from one damn bolt, I worked myself in to an emotional wreck. Funny how my mind works sometimes.
I managed to get a bit of sleep and woke up for the work day on Tuesday. It was my first day as lead hand and I was a little anxious but, feeling fairly positive about what lay ahead. I met Jessie and we got the truck and trailer ready for the season. Some vacuuming and checking to see if we had all the right tools on the truck. So with that out of the way, we went to meet Heather at one of our properties to start some spring clean up. I gave Heather a big hug and it was so amazing to have her their as part of our team again. My boss dropped by to show us a few things and then we continued on with the clean up. I did a fair bit of dogwoods and took a lot out of them. The things I had learned with my boss the previous two weeks really gave me the confidence to really thin them out the way they are meant to be. I even got to use my echo to prune some upright Junipers. I finished the afternoon helping my boss finish a small pruning job and then the rain shut down our day around five. I was really happy with how the day turned out and drove home with a smile on my face. Everyday will be different so I try to take comfort in small triumphs.
Today was up in the air as the weather did not look too promising. We managed to get in three hours fixing a cedar rail fence. Jessie and I got in a good rhythm and I am really proud of how the fence is turning out. We worked in the rain for most of the time we were there and I finally decided to call it a day. It was another good day and I got a chance to catch up on some errands around town this afternoon. Does not look like we will do much landscaping tomorrow as it is going to snow but, we might get a bit of shoveling in. I am happy either way tomorrow. I do not mind working and I have lots I can do around the house. Guess I will find out in the morning.
We are just watching the end of the Jays game. They managed to claw back after being in a big hole and are now winning by two in the ninth inning. Hope their bullpen can hold down the fort in the bottom half. Would be nice to get in the win column after a slow start to the season.
Hope you are having a great night. Take care, Shawn.
Happy Wednesday!!!!
Monday was a challenging day for me. I was working by myself changing oils on the machines. Everything went quite smoothly as it was my first time doing something like that. Then I had trouble getting one of the bolts to go back in after I had changed the oil. It was frustrating me to no end and my boss was not around to ask about it. I was pacing around and swearing under my breath. I went to the front to cut down some grasses for a change of pace and then the hurricane hit me. All of my anxieties and fears kind of hit me all at once and I broke down. I probably cried for fifteen minutes. I was trying to hold things together but, was finding it difficult. I did calm down a bit and managed to change the oil on one more machine before my boss got back. Turns out that the bolt that had me in a tither did not go all the way back in to begin with as it had a different kind of thread. So from one damn bolt, I worked myself in to an emotional wreck. Funny how my mind works sometimes.
I managed to get a bit of sleep and woke up for the work day on Tuesday. It was my first day as lead hand and I was a little anxious but, feeling fairly positive about what lay ahead. I met Jessie and we got the truck and trailer ready for the season. Some vacuuming and checking to see if we had all the right tools on the truck. So with that out of the way, we went to meet Heather at one of our properties to start some spring clean up. I gave Heather a big hug and it was so amazing to have her their as part of our team again. My boss dropped by to show us a few things and then we continued on with the clean up. I did a fair bit of dogwoods and took a lot out of them. The things I had learned with my boss the previous two weeks really gave me the confidence to really thin them out the way they are meant to be. I even got to use my echo to prune some upright Junipers. I finished the afternoon helping my boss finish a small pruning job and then the rain shut down our day around five. I was really happy with how the day turned out and drove home with a smile on my face. Everyday will be different so I try to take comfort in small triumphs.
Today was up in the air as the weather did not look too promising. We managed to get in three hours fixing a cedar rail fence. Jessie and I got in a good rhythm and I am really proud of how the fence is turning out. We worked in the rain for most of the time we were there and I finally decided to call it a day. It was another good day and I got a chance to catch up on some errands around town this afternoon. Does not look like we will do much landscaping tomorrow as it is going to snow but, we might get a bit of shoveling in. I am happy either way tomorrow. I do not mind working and I have lots I can do around the house. Guess I will find out in the morning.
We are just watching the end of the Jays game. They managed to claw back after being in a big hole and are now winning by two in the ninth inning. Hope their bullpen can hold down the fort in the bottom half. Would be nice to get in the win column after a slow start to the season.
Hope you are having a great night. Take care, Shawn.
Happy Wednesday!!!!
Friday, 5 April 2013
First Week in the Books
I finished my first week back at work and it went better than I expected it would. As I have learned in the past, things are never as bad as I make them out in my mind. I worked with my boss all week as the new guy Jessie is not starting till this coming Tuesday. I learned a tonne from my boss and feel more confident moving forward. I found that the more questions I asked, the more I learned. Seems like a simple concept but, it was something I should have been doing more of. We did a lot of pruning trees and shrubs. I learned what it meant to thin out a plant properly and not being afraid to open it up. We worked on some Forsythias, Dogwood, Rose of Sharons, Nest Pines and a few others. I also did some work on some of our machines this week including some sharpening of the tools. I also learned how to check spark plugs and filters; I did more mechanical work this week than I had in my whole life. I am even changing oil on Monday which I have always wanted to do.
The snow is slowly disappearing so we should be able to start some of the spring clean ups next week. I am a little anxious as it will be my first week in charge of the truck. Just have to have confidence in my own abilities and facilitate a good team effort. Heather should be working with us a bit which I am very thankful for. We can help each other out and make sure we do an awesome job on clean ups to maintain the amazing reputation our company has. I did work by myself yesterday afternoon which was good for me. There is something therapeutic about working by yourself and it was good experience for me moving forward. I still think Smitty will pulling in on Tuesday but, I know that is not in the cards at the moment. Would just have made things simple.
We are heading to Drayton tonight for dinner with Jenn and Scott. Jenn works with Jodi at school and is a lot of fun. Looking forward to it as I hear we are having some homemade pizza which I love so it should be a good night. Will miss watching the Jays but, we can catch the game tomorrow afternoon. Going for breakfast with my parents tomorrow morning.
Have a great weekend.
Take care, Shawn.
Life is not always easy but, it is certainly worth fighting for.
The snow is slowly disappearing so we should be able to start some of the spring clean ups next week. I am a little anxious as it will be my first week in charge of the truck. Just have to have confidence in my own abilities and facilitate a good team effort. Heather should be working with us a bit which I am very thankful for. We can help each other out and make sure we do an awesome job on clean ups to maintain the amazing reputation our company has. I did work by myself yesterday afternoon which was good for me. There is something therapeutic about working by yourself and it was good experience for me moving forward. I still think Smitty will pulling in on Tuesday but, I know that is not in the cards at the moment. Would just have made things simple.
We are heading to Drayton tonight for dinner with Jenn and Scott. Jenn works with Jodi at school and is a lot of fun. Looking forward to it as I hear we are having some homemade pizza which I love so it should be a good night. Will miss watching the Jays but, we can catch the game tomorrow afternoon. Going for breakfast with my parents tomorrow morning.
Have a great weekend.
Take care, Shawn.
Life is not always easy but, it is certainly worth fighting for.
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