Sunday

I have the downzies today.  Sundays always seem to pose a challenge for me.  Stressing out about the week ahead.  Self doubt creeping in again.  Feeling as though failure is imminent. My mind going to negative places and feeling as though there has to be an easier way out.

I do not write about these struggles for any type of pity.  I have bi-polar and I do my best to live every day the best I can.  I simply want people to know how real mental illness is and the toll it can take on someone.  Sure, it is natural to worry about things.  It is not natural to think of jumping off a bridge or taking off and never coming back.  It is not like I choose to think like this, who would really.  It is not a pleasant way to spend my time and I need to construct better strategies to cope.

We did go for a walk in Elora today which helped clear the head a bit.  There are quite a few nice little shops there and it was wonderful to get some fresh air.  We stopped for a coffee and some delicious cookies.  We went to look at the river as it has been extremely high of late.  I do like Elora as it still has that small town feel.  Fergus has grown so much and has lost a lot of its charm.

I worked yesterday cleaning up fallen trees and branches.  It was an intense and stressful day but, I made it through.  I am really hoping I get to work with Heather tomorrow.  I find when I work with her, my stress level decreases immensely.  She is such a nice person and easy to work with.  I still hope that Smitty will roll in to the shop one morning but, I need to get that out of my head as it is not happening. 

I have always had issues with employment in my life.  I cannot remember a job that I did not have a hard time coping.  This is the longest I have been with one place.  I do not want it to be another thing that I fail at.  I have to remind myself that I can only do the best I can.  Yes, I will get in shit at times.  Yes, some days will be stressful.  But I do have a lot of attributes that could help me succeed if I just take it one day at a time.  If I can make it through this season, there is nothing I could not accomplish.

I think what I am doing this instant is the only profession that I could maintain balance,  being a writer.  I realize it will probably not come to fruition but, stranger things have happened.  I got my first comment on my blog from someone and I would like to thank them for their encouraging words.  I worry at times that I share to much on these pages but,  I feel like what I have been through mentally is pointless if I cannot share my story with others.

That is it for me tonight.  Remember that tomorrow is a new day filled with promise.

Take care,  Shawn.