One Step at a Time

This week has been a tough one for me.  The last two days, I have been extremely low.  Things have been very stressful for me. I was having spasms on the left side of my chest for a day which I am sure can be attributed to the anxiety I have been feeling.  I have experienced some suicidal thoughts for the first time in a long while.  I am not sure how I made it through the week but, I did and that counts for something.

We are down another person at work which has been challenging.  That and the fact that I am the only one who can drive a truck and trailer.  I have definitely been putting a lot of pressure on myself.  I have made some mistakes pruning which does not bode well.  Just a little disappointed in myself and I always take things too personally.  Part of it probably is that I have rushed at times trying to get to the next job.  I did not even feel like pruning this afternoon as I was scared I would mess something else up.  It still went well though and I am pretty sure I did a good job. 

A good friend of mine is going through a very challenging time in his life.  I wish there was a way I could help as I can certainly relate to some of what he is going through.  I can only be here if he wants to reach out.  Miss seeing him too.  Has always had such a positive attitude and has been a good friend to me.  Just wish he did not have to be going through this right now.

We were hoping to go down to Toronto to watch beach nationals tomorrow.  I am not sure if that will work out.  Depends on how I am feeling I guess and if I have the energy to make the trip as I have been exhausted.  I should force myself to go as I know we will have a great time once we are down there.  Volleyball has been a big part of my life and I miss being a part of it.  Beach nationals is something that Jodi and I loved to go to in years past so hopefully I can turn my mood around and make the trip down to Ashbridges Bay.

As I have mentioned in a past blog,  I often make myself a list of positive things to look forward to when I am feeling really low.  Well,  tonight there happens to be something.  I have my fantasy football draft which is a lot of fun.  I also have five years sober to celebrate coming up in November.  Football season starts in two weeks.  Fall is almost here and it is my favourite time of the year.  Thanksgiving will be here soon and we get to host the Praught family for Thanksgiving dinner and four days of family fun.  Duane and Erin will be here with Bernie and Karen.  Looking forward to hearing about their trip to South America.  I should have my DZ license by the new year.  So when I stop and think about it,  I have lots of reasons to push through the downzies.  It certainly is not an enjoyable experience but, I have to fight through it.  If I look back at my blogs for the last two years,  I would find that I come through many challenges and there is no reason I cannot continue to do so.

Well,  I feel much better already after writing.  I love writing.  I makes me feel alive when I can formulate thoughts in to words on a page.

Hope this finds you well.  One step at a time.  Take care,  Shawn.


“With everything that has happened to you, you can either feel sorry for yourself or treat what has happened as a gift. Everything is either an opportunity to grow or an obstacle to keep you from growing. You get to choose.” – Dr. Wayne W Dyer