Opportunity to Learn

Well, I learned recently that construction was simply not for me.  I gave it a shot for three weeks and kept a positive attitude.  Just realized the other day that it was not something that I had a passion for.  I did learn a lot and it was interesting to find out how much really goes in to infrastructure of towns and cities. 

I took a huge risk when I decided not to return to my last job.  It was a huge risk because that job was something I had success with and I truly enjoyed the customers that we worked for.  As I have mentioned before in this blog, it can be very challenging for individuals living with a mental illness to find stability with employment.  Many cannot work at all and I feel fortunate that I have been able to find some success.  In retrospect, I may have made a mistake leaving as I did enjoy the work and it made me feel worthy being able to contribute to our family.  But on the other hand, these last two months were something I believe I had to experience for myself.  Every experience in life, whether it be positive or negative can be an opportunity to learn something about yourself.

I learned that it is crucial for myself to be very conscience of the way I present myself.  Others cannot see what is going on inside my mind.  I have to be able to present good body language regardless of what I may be experiencing mentally.  I learned that I cannot put whatever I may be experiencing on other people, even those closest to me.  I need to take time to find one on one counseling to help me learn to navigate challenges with whatever I end up doing moving forward.  It has been far too long since I have talked through my emotions and struggles one on one with a professional.  I made a call the other day and have started the process of finding someone to meet with.  There is a difference between having a good support system and seeking out a professional.  People close to me are very supportive of me but, it is not fair of me to reach out to them with issues that I really need to be talking with someone who is specialized in treating mental illness.  I learned that I need to be able to take constructive criticism.  I am not perfect and there are many things I have to learn.  I did cry a few times in the last few months but, that is just part of who I am.  I need to learn not to take things so personally and realize that criticism does not mean someone dislikes me as a person or is an indictment of my character as a person.  I am an extremely sensitive person but, I need to be able to grow a thicker skin at times and know that although I may make mistakes at work, it does not mean I am a failure as a person.

I had the opportunity to do some hand pruning of some shrubs yesterday.  I have discussed this on previous occasions but, I cannot stress how therapeutic pruning is for me.  If I ever had an opportunity to start my own business, I would specialize in pruning.  Pruning was something I seemed to have a knack for from the beginning and I am thankful for the last five years as it gave me the opportunity to hone my skills. I still have so much to learn about identifying different shrubs and trees but, I understand how to prune quite a variety of species.  Part of what I deal with on a daily basis is thoughts racing through my mind, often having difficulty slowing my mind down.  When I am pruning, this is a non issue.  I do not think about anything other that how I need to approach the pruning for each individual shrub or plant.  My favorite thing to prune is a hedge.  I have had the opportunity to prune quite a variety of hedges.  I love the challenge of taking off just enough from the sides of a hedge and sloping it properly and also attempting to get the top to the point where you could put a level on it. I really enjoy the opportunity to do hedges that have never been touched.  You can take something that is an overgrown mess and completely transform it in to something to be proud of.  My parents neighbor has a hedge that has never been touched and I am dying to do it.  It drives me nuts looking at it every time I am there.  Part of me wants to do it for free but, I know the value in being able to prune a hedge properly.

We are heading down to babysit by nephews and niece.  Should be a lot of fun and can't wait to see them.  It is a beautiful day here and I am feeling quite positive today.  Time to cut the grass.

Hope you are well.  Take care,  Shawn.

 “Never give up on someone with a mental illness. When "I" is replaced by "We", illness becomes wellness.”
 ― Shannon L. Alder

Next Step

It has been a long time since I have written.  I have missed writing immensely.

I had a hard time turning 40 in January.  I struggled with it for a while but, slowly adjusted and began to turn the corner.  It was one of the most challenging winters I have had and I am thankful that it looks like spring is finally here.

It was one of the hardest decisions I had to make but, I did decide to move on from my job from the last five years.  I learned so much about myself in that time and definitely would not be the person I am now without that experience. It really helped me become a stronger person and I will always be grateful for that time.  I met some amazing people along the way and worked for some wonderful customers over those years.

I began the next chapter of employment in March.  Unfortunately, it did not work out and I spent this past weekend wrapping my brain around what I should do next.  I felt like a bit of failure. I know they did not get to see the best of me and I never got a chance to show them where I excelled the most.  I had not been at a new position in five years and I think I just got overwhelmed in the first few weeks and my confidence took a hit.  You can learn things from every experience in life and I learned some valuable lessons in a short time.

I was really low on the weekend.  Was just frustrated with myself.  I do not enjoy failing at things and take things far too personally.  I could not sit idle for long and was determined to find a new job today.  I did and I am optimistic moving forward.  I have some familiarity my new employer and I am hoping it will make the transition easier this time.  I am always going to struggle at times but, I am determined to show confidence and give them the best version of myself.  I also need to realize that I cannot let what may be going on inside me transfer to my body language.  I have to be present and be conscience of others needs as well.   And if it does not work out, at least I will be able to say I gave it my all.  A job does not define me as a person and I need to remind myself of that.  I am proud of who I am now and all I can give is my best and leave it at work at the end of the day.

A wise woman once told me that sometimes you just have to say "Fuck It".  That is what helped me today.  I woke up and just said fuck it to myself and made a point to have a good day and take some initiative.  Nobody gives things to you in life.  You have to work at it.  Believe in yourself and take charge.  That's what I did today.

I am a fighter.  If nothing else, people cannot say I gave up on life.  I get up each day and try to put my best foot forward.  Bi - Polar does not define me as a person.  It is something I live with.  But there are so many positives to hold on to.  I will continue to push through and continually work on bettering myself.  I want to be a good husband, a good brother, a good son and a good friend.  That is what is most important to me.  Everything else will take care of itself.  One step at a time.

Hope this finds you well.

Happy Monday.

Shawn