Today was a little challenging. I had a difficult time slowing my mind down. It was racing. I was tired. I felt overwhelmed. I left work early to come home. I slept for a couple hours and had a shower. I am feeling much better now.
The season is winding down. It has been a slow year for hours this year. I make a good hourly rate but, we simply did not get enough hours. I ran in to the same situation last year at times and I believe it may be time for a change. That in itself is very scary to me. I have found success again at my current job and I am well liked as a person and respected for my work ethic. And I have no idea what path my life will take next year. I have considered many options but, will need to take some time to think things through. I cannot simply take another job for the sake of working. I have to be very careful that I choose something that I will be successful at, I will enjoy and that I can make the money that I deserve to be making. I have to choose a path that will enable me to maintain some amount of mental stability. I want to work for a company that appreciates the work I do and I want to feel valued as an employee. I want to continue to prove that I am capable of providing a level of excellence at my vocation that very few others possess. I am sure that something will present itself to me in the winter months. I have to stay positive and remember the successes I have had in the last few years.
I would like to start uploading some videos next year. Just some how to videos in terms of basic pruning. I see so many properties in my travels at work where, there is both a lack of pruning and also a lack of proper pruning techniques. I was fortunate to learn from the best and I take great pride in my abilities to prune a variety of plants, shrubs and trees. As I have mentioned many times, pruning is my happy place. It is the only time when my mind is truly at ease and I am thankful I was introduced to the practice.
I hope you are doing well. Enjoy the rest of your week. Take care, Shawn.
There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
―
Laurell K. Hamilton,
Mistral's Kiss
Wednesday, 15 November 2017
Saturday, 4 November 2017
Grab Hold Of The Light
I celebrated 8 years sober this past Thursday. Every November 2nd reminds me of where my life was and where it is now because I finally made the choice to abstain from alcohol. I could never control my alcohol intake and was often embarrassed and ashamed of the person I was when I became inebriated. I hope my ability to change over time can help others realize that it is never too late to make steps in a positive direction. Abstaining from alcohol did not solve my issues or make struggles go a way. I still live with bi polar disorder and have yet to conquer my gambling addiction. However, the fact that I no longer consume alcohol gives my mind the clarity to manage my thoughts, moods and emotions a little easier. It made it possible for me to maintain relationships in my life and show those in my life that their presence in my life meant more to me than anything I ever found in a bottle. The fact that I have maintained employment for seven years in a row in the same industry is just one example of how abstaining has made a big impact in my life.
A friend of ours lost one of their friends last week. The individual took their own life. It makes me sad inside when I hear stories like that. Our community also just lost a grade 10 student to suicide. I know what state of mind they were in before they made that last choice. I have been in that moment thousands of times. Simply wanting the pain and anguish inside to end, not feeling as though you can fight anymore. The darkness inside just permeating throughout your whole body. I wish they had been able to found some form of hope or lightness in their final moments. It always hurts to lose someone. I know losing a person to suicide is an awful situation. More questions than answers. Thinking what could have been done. The could have , should have and would haves. I do not have any answers on how to deal with such a tragedy. I would take solace in the fact that the pain they were going through in those last moments, days or months is now gone. Cherish the person they were and try to turn the loss in to something positive that may in the end help others who may find themselves in those moments.
I will always be at risk of taking my own life. I am not trying to be dire or cause any worry. It is just a simple fact of my life. I do not have suicidal thoughts daily anymore but, their is still not a week that goes by that I do not think about it at least once. I have learned over time to process these thoughts and not give them the power that they used to hold over me. I have no intentions to and find myself believing that I have some sort of purpose in helping others navigate mental illness and being able to find some fulfillment in their lives.
One of the strategies I used to use when some of my days were filled with these thoughts was to find anything to help get me through the day. If someone had a birthday on the weekend, I would push myself through just to get to the weekend. If someone was a way on holidays, I would tell myself that I could not take my own life as I would not want to ruin their holiday. I would even just break the day in to segments. Ok Shawn, you just have to get to break. Then after break, I would tell myself that I just needed to get to lunch. Breaking the day in to manageable sections. When I went through months where my days were filled with darkness, I would try as hard I fucking could to find anythings that resembled something positive. Trying to grab on to anything to get me through till the next day.
I do not have all the answers. I am not an expert. I just know that I have lived it. If you are reading this and maybe you are struggling to get through, know that I understand what you are going through. And also know that I am living proof that mental illness in all its many shapes and forms can be managed. There is light at the end of the tunnel. My life is not perfect and I still have many things to work on but, I am still here. I have been in the darkest of moments and I was able to get to this point. And now my good days outweigh my bad ones and I have actually been able to find moments of joy in life. Keep fighting. You are worth it, you are valuable and people care about you. The sun eventually comes out after every storm.
I hope this finds you well. Happy Saturday. Take care, Shawn.
A friend of ours lost one of their friends last week. The individual took their own life. It makes me sad inside when I hear stories like that. Our community also just lost a grade 10 student to suicide. I know what state of mind they were in before they made that last choice. I have been in that moment thousands of times. Simply wanting the pain and anguish inside to end, not feeling as though you can fight anymore. The darkness inside just permeating throughout your whole body. I wish they had been able to found some form of hope or lightness in their final moments. It always hurts to lose someone. I know losing a person to suicide is an awful situation. More questions than answers. Thinking what could have been done. The could have , should have and would haves. I do not have any answers on how to deal with such a tragedy. I would take solace in the fact that the pain they were going through in those last moments, days or months is now gone. Cherish the person they were and try to turn the loss in to something positive that may in the end help others who may find themselves in those moments.
I will always be at risk of taking my own life. I am not trying to be dire or cause any worry. It is just a simple fact of my life. I do not have suicidal thoughts daily anymore but, their is still not a week that goes by that I do not think about it at least once. I have learned over time to process these thoughts and not give them the power that they used to hold over me. I have no intentions to and find myself believing that I have some sort of purpose in helping others navigate mental illness and being able to find some fulfillment in their lives.
One of the strategies I used to use when some of my days were filled with these thoughts was to find anything to help get me through the day. If someone had a birthday on the weekend, I would push myself through just to get to the weekend. If someone was a way on holidays, I would tell myself that I could not take my own life as I would not want to ruin their holiday. I would even just break the day in to segments. Ok Shawn, you just have to get to break. Then after break, I would tell myself that I just needed to get to lunch. Breaking the day in to manageable sections. When I went through months where my days were filled with darkness, I would try as hard I fucking could to find anythings that resembled something positive. Trying to grab on to anything to get me through till the next day.
I do not have all the answers. I am not an expert. I just know that I have lived it. If you are reading this and maybe you are struggling to get through, know that I understand what you are going through. And also know that I am living proof that mental illness in all its many shapes and forms can be managed. There is light at the end of the tunnel. My life is not perfect and I still have many things to work on but, I am still here. I have been in the darkest of moments and I was able to get to this point. And now my good days outweigh my bad ones and I have actually been able to find moments of joy in life. Keep fighting. You are worth it, you are valuable and people care about you. The sun eventually comes out after every storm.
I hope this finds you well. Happy Saturday. Take care, Shawn.
Our human compassion
binds us the one to the other - not in pity or patronizingly, but as
human beings who have learnt how to turn our common suffering into hope
for the future.
Nelson Mandela
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/n/nelsonmand447262.html?src=t_hope
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/n/nelsonmand447262.html?src=t_hope
Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.
Our human compassion
binds us the one to the other - not in pity or patronizingly, but as
human beings who have learnt how to turn our common suffering into hope
for the future.
Nelson Mandela
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/n/nelsonmand447262.html?src=t_hope
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/n/nelsonmand447262.html?src=t_hope
Monday, 22 May 2017
Been a While
It has been a very long time since I last wrote in this blog. I have missed writing immensely. I love the stroke of the keyboard as I try to filter through my thoughts and write something tangible.
We have been without a computer for the past six months. We finally committed to purchasing a new one and both Jodi and I are content with our decision. She has report cards coming up so the timing of it it perfect.
I am not going to write much today as I am extremely tired and need to get ready for bed soon. As always, routine is so important for me. I will share some longer posts later in the week.
I will report that I am managing things quite well these days. I have been finding a healthy balance for the most part in my life. I take my medications like clock work and am more astute in handling any mood shifts or negative thought patterns. I have found a counselor that I will be checking in with monthly. We are working at peeling back some of the layers and getting to the root of some things. I am really enjoying my nights and weekends at home. I do not concern myself with work matters once I step in the car to drive home. My time is now my time and it has been a welcome change.
I will fill in the last six months in a little more detail in the next few weeks.
Hope this finds you well. Happy Monday. Take care, Shawn.
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
We have been without a computer for the past six months. We finally committed to purchasing a new one and both Jodi and I are content with our decision. She has report cards coming up so the timing of it it perfect.
I am not going to write much today as I am extremely tired and need to get ready for bed soon. As always, routine is so important for me. I will share some longer posts later in the week.
I will report that I am managing things quite well these days. I have been finding a healthy balance for the most part in my life. I take my medications like clock work and am more astute in handling any mood shifts or negative thought patterns. I have found a counselor that I will be checking in with monthly. We are working at peeling back some of the layers and getting to the root of some things. I am really enjoying my nights and weekends at home. I do not concern myself with work matters once I step in the car to drive home. My time is now my time and it has been a welcome change.
I will fill in the last six months in a little more detail in the next few weeks.
Hope this finds you well. Happy Monday. Take care, Shawn.
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense.”
― Ralph Waldo Emerson
Wednesday, 25 January 2017
Let's Talk
Today is Bell Let's Talk Day in Canada. This was an initiative that was started in 2010 by Bell to raise funds for mental health programs but, more importantly to start conversations around mental health. You would be hard pressed to find anyone that had not been affected by mental health either directly or indirectly in their lives. Mental health does not discriminate. It affects both male and female. It affects people with financial stability and those that may struggle to get by. It affects every race. It affects people from every religious background. It affects the young and the old. Mental health connects people from these varying stations in a powerful way. That is why days like this are so important.
For every text from bell customers, long distance phone call from bell customers, facebook shares and tweet (using #bellletstalk) raises five cents for mental health initiatives in Canada. More importantly, it helps people share their stories with others and let those that may be struggling in silence know they are truly not alone.
I have lived with bi polar disorder probably since I was 17 or 18 years old. I always knew something was a little off with my mind but, did not know anything about mental health or bi polar back then. I just felt different. I did suffer in silence for a very long time and it was not until I learned to share, open up and ask for help that I was able to begin the healing process. Through the support of my friends, family and my amazing wife, Jodi, I have gotten to a point in my life where I am no longer ashamed. I have no issue sharing my story with others as I believe that in sharing part of my story helps others that live with mental illness to know that it is ok to not be ok.
It is important to realize that mental illness does not just affect the person that is living with it but, also those connected to them whether it be friends, family or partners. My journey through life with bi polar has affected a lot of people along the way and has often put an immense strain on relationships, jobs and physical health. Today is very important for everyone affected by mental illness, not just those living with it.
As I am up early this morning watching Milos Raonic attempt to take down one of the greatest tennis players ever in Rafael Nadal, I reflect on how fortunate I am to be here today. I have had thoughts of ending my life thousands of times over the last twenty plus years but, I am still here. I was able to find a way to continue fighting, pushing through the darkest of times. It has not been easy but, I am thankful I am still here.
For every text from bell customers, long distance phone call from bell customers, facebook shares and tweet (using #bellletstalk) raises five cents for mental health initiatives in Canada. More importantly, it helps people share their stories with others and let those that may be struggling in silence know they are truly not alone.
I have lived with bi polar disorder probably since I was 17 or 18 years old. I always knew something was a little off with my mind but, did not know anything about mental health or bi polar back then. I just felt different. I did suffer in silence for a very long time and it was not until I learned to share, open up and ask for help that I was able to begin the healing process. Through the support of my friends, family and my amazing wife, Jodi, I have gotten to a point in my life where I am no longer ashamed. I have no issue sharing my story with others as I believe that in sharing part of my story helps others that live with mental illness to know that it is ok to not be ok.
It is important to realize that mental illness does not just affect the person that is living with it but, also those connected to them whether it be friends, family or partners. My journey through life with bi polar has affected a lot of people along the way and has often put an immense strain on relationships, jobs and physical health. Today is very important for everyone affected by mental illness, not just those living with it.
As I am up early this morning watching Milos Raonic attempt to take down one of the greatest tennis players ever in Rafael Nadal, I reflect on how fortunate I am to be here today. I have had thoughts of ending my life thousands of times over the last twenty plus years but, I am still here. I was able to find a way to continue fighting, pushing through the darkest of times. It has not been easy but, I am thankful I am still here.
You are not alone
You are not weak
There is help
There are people that care about you
The light will shine through
You are worth it
You deserve joy and happiness
Keep fighting
Shawn
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