Grab Hold Of The Light

I celebrated 8 years sober this past Thursday. Every November 2nd reminds me of where my life was and where it is now because I finally made the choice to abstain from alcohol. I could never control my alcohol intake and was often embarrassed and ashamed of the person I was when I became inebriated.  I hope my ability to change over time can help others realize that it is never too late to make steps in a positive direction.  Abstaining from alcohol did not solve my issues or make struggles go a way.  I still live with bi polar disorder and have yet to conquer my gambling addiction. However, the fact that I no longer consume alcohol gives my mind the clarity to manage my thoughts, moods and emotions a little easier.  It made it possible for me to maintain relationships in my life and show those in my life that their presence in my life meant more to me than anything I ever found in a bottle.  The fact that I have maintained employment for seven years in a row in the same industry is just one example of how abstaining has made a big impact in my life.

A friend of ours lost one of their friends last week.  The individual took their own life.  It makes me sad inside when I hear stories like that.  Our community also just lost a grade 10 student to suicide.  I know what state of mind they were in before they made that last choice.  I have been in that moment thousands of times.  Simply wanting the pain and anguish inside to end, not feeling as though you can fight anymore. The darkness inside just permeating throughout your whole body.  I wish they had been able to found some form of hope or lightness in their final moments.  It always hurts to lose someone. I know losing a person to suicide is an awful situation. More questions than answers.  Thinking what could have been done.  The could have , should have and would haves.  I do not have any answers on how to deal with such a tragedy.  I would take solace in the fact that the pain they were going through in those last moments, days or months is now gone.  Cherish the person they were and try to turn the loss in to something positive that may in the end help others who may find themselves in those moments.

I will always be at risk of taking my own life.  I am not trying to be dire or cause any worry.  It is just a simple fact of my life.  I do not have suicidal thoughts daily anymore but, their is still not a week that goes by that I do not think about it at least once.  I have learned over time to process these thoughts and not give them the power that they used to hold over me.  I have no intentions to and find myself believing that I have some sort of purpose in helping others navigate mental illness and being able to find some fulfillment in their lives. 

One of the strategies I used to use when some of my days were filled with these thoughts was to find anything to help get me through the day.  If someone had a birthday on the weekend, I would push myself through just to get to the weekend.  If someone was a way on holidays, I would tell myself that I could not take my own life as I would not want to ruin their holiday.  I would even just break the day in to segments.  Ok Shawn, you just have to get to break.  Then after break, I would tell myself that I just needed to get to lunch.  Breaking the day in to manageable sections.  When I went through months where my days were filled with darkness, I would try as hard I fucking could to find anythings that resembled something positive.  Trying to grab on to anything to get me through till the next day. 

I do not have all the answers.  I am not an expert.  I just know that I have lived it.  If you are reading this and maybe you are struggling to get through,  know that I understand what you are going through.  And also know that I am living proof that mental illness in all its many shapes and forms can be managed.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  My life is not perfect and I still have many things to work on but, I am still here. I have been in the darkest of moments and I was able to get to this point.  And now my good days outweigh my bad ones and I have actually been able to find moments of joy in life.  Keep fighting.  You are worth it, you are valuable and people care about you.  The sun eventually comes out after every storm.

I hope this finds you well.  Happy Saturday.  Take care, Shawn.

Our human compassion binds us the one to the other - not in pity or patronizingly, but as human beings who have learnt how to turn our common suffering into hope for the future. Nelson Mandela
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Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.

Desmond Tutu

Our human compassion binds us the one to the other - not in pity or patronizingly, but as human beings who have learnt how to turn our common suffering into hope for the future. Nelson Mandela
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/n/nelsonmand447262.html?src=t_hope