Today was a little challenging. I had a difficult time slowing my mind down. It was racing. I was tired. I felt overwhelmed. I left work early to come home. I slept for a couple hours and had a shower. I am feeling much better now.
The season is winding down. It has been a slow year for hours this year. I make a good hourly rate but, we simply did not get enough hours. I ran in to the same situation last year at times and I believe it may be time for a change. That in itself is very scary to me. I have found success again at my current job and I am well liked as a person and respected for my work ethic. And I have no idea what path my life will take next year. I have considered many options but, will need to take some time to think things through. I cannot simply take another job for the sake of working. I have to be very careful that I choose something that I will be successful at, I will enjoy and that I can make the money that I deserve to be making. I have to choose a path that will enable me to maintain some amount of mental stability. I want to work for a company that appreciates the work I do and I want to feel valued as an employee. I want to continue to prove that I am capable of providing a level of excellence at my vocation that very few others possess. I am sure that something will present itself to me in the winter months. I have to stay positive and remember the successes I have had in the last few years.
I would like to start uploading some videos next year. Just some how to videos in terms of basic pruning. I see so many properties in my travels at work where, there is both a lack of pruning and also a lack of proper pruning techniques. I was fortunate to learn from the best and I take great pride in my abilities to prune a variety of plants, shrubs and trees. As I have mentioned many times, pruning is my happy place. It is the only time when my mind is truly at ease and I am thankful I was introduced to the practice.
I hope you are doing well. Enjoy the rest of your week. Take care, Shawn.
There are wounds that never show on the body that are deeper and more hurtful than anything that bleeds.”
―
Laurell K. Hamilton,
Mistral's Kiss
Wednesday, 15 November 2017
Saturday, 4 November 2017
Grab Hold Of The Light
I celebrated 8 years sober this past Thursday. Every November 2nd reminds me of where my life was and where it is now because I finally made the choice to abstain from alcohol. I could never control my alcohol intake and was often embarrassed and ashamed of the person I was when I became inebriated. I hope my ability to change over time can help others realize that it is never too late to make steps in a positive direction. Abstaining from alcohol did not solve my issues or make struggles go a way. I still live with bi polar disorder and have yet to conquer my gambling addiction. However, the fact that I no longer consume alcohol gives my mind the clarity to manage my thoughts, moods and emotions a little easier. It made it possible for me to maintain relationships in my life and show those in my life that their presence in my life meant more to me than anything I ever found in a bottle. The fact that I have maintained employment for seven years in a row in the same industry is just one example of how abstaining has made a big impact in my life.
A friend of ours lost one of their friends last week. The individual took their own life. It makes me sad inside when I hear stories like that. Our community also just lost a grade 10 student to suicide. I know what state of mind they were in before they made that last choice. I have been in that moment thousands of times. Simply wanting the pain and anguish inside to end, not feeling as though you can fight anymore. The darkness inside just permeating throughout your whole body. I wish they had been able to found some form of hope or lightness in their final moments. It always hurts to lose someone. I know losing a person to suicide is an awful situation. More questions than answers. Thinking what could have been done. The could have , should have and would haves. I do not have any answers on how to deal with such a tragedy. I would take solace in the fact that the pain they were going through in those last moments, days or months is now gone. Cherish the person they were and try to turn the loss in to something positive that may in the end help others who may find themselves in those moments.
I will always be at risk of taking my own life. I am not trying to be dire or cause any worry. It is just a simple fact of my life. I do not have suicidal thoughts daily anymore but, their is still not a week that goes by that I do not think about it at least once. I have learned over time to process these thoughts and not give them the power that they used to hold over me. I have no intentions to and find myself believing that I have some sort of purpose in helping others navigate mental illness and being able to find some fulfillment in their lives.
One of the strategies I used to use when some of my days were filled with these thoughts was to find anything to help get me through the day. If someone had a birthday on the weekend, I would push myself through just to get to the weekend. If someone was a way on holidays, I would tell myself that I could not take my own life as I would not want to ruin their holiday. I would even just break the day in to segments. Ok Shawn, you just have to get to break. Then after break, I would tell myself that I just needed to get to lunch. Breaking the day in to manageable sections. When I went through months where my days were filled with darkness, I would try as hard I fucking could to find anythings that resembled something positive. Trying to grab on to anything to get me through till the next day.
I do not have all the answers. I am not an expert. I just know that I have lived it. If you are reading this and maybe you are struggling to get through, know that I understand what you are going through. And also know that I am living proof that mental illness in all its many shapes and forms can be managed. There is light at the end of the tunnel. My life is not perfect and I still have many things to work on but, I am still here. I have been in the darkest of moments and I was able to get to this point. And now my good days outweigh my bad ones and I have actually been able to find moments of joy in life. Keep fighting. You are worth it, you are valuable and people care about you. The sun eventually comes out after every storm.
I hope this finds you well. Happy Saturday. Take care, Shawn.
A friend of ours lost one of their friends last week. The individual took their own life. It makes me sad inside when I hear stories like that. Our community also just lost a grade 10 student to suicide. I know what state of mind they were in before they made that last choice. I have been in that moment thousands of times. Simply wanting the pain and anguish inside to end, not feeling as though you can fight anymore. The darkness inside just permeating throughout your whole body. I wish they had been able to found some form of hope or lightness in their final moments. It always hurts to lose someone. I know losing a person to suicide is an awful situation. More questions than answers. Thinking what could have been done. The could have , should have and would haves. I do not have any answers on how to deal with such a tragedy. I would take solace in the fact that the pain they were going through in those last moments, days or months is now gone. Cherish the person they were and try to turn the loss in to something positive that may in the end help others who may find themselves in those moments.
I will always be at risk of taking my own life. I am not trying to be dire or cause any worry. It is just a simple fact of my life. I do not have suicidal thoughts daily anymore but, their is still not a week that goes by that I do not think about it at least once. I have learned over time to process these thoughts and not give them the power that they used to hold over me. I have no intentions to and find myself believing that I have some sort of purpose in helping others navigate mental illness and being able to find some fulfillment in their lives.
One of the strategies I used to use when some of my days were filled with these thoughts was to find anything to help get me through the day. If someone had a birthday on the weekend, I would push myself through just to get to the weekend. If someone was a way on holidays, I would tell myself that I could not take my own life as I would not want to ruin their holiday. I would even just break the day in to segments. Ok Shawn, you just have to get to break. Then after break, I would tell myself that I just needed to get to lunch. Breaking the day in to manageable sections. When I went through months where my days were filled with darkness, I would try as hard I fucking could to find anythings that resembled something positive. Trying to grab on to anything to get me through till the next day.
I do not have all the answers. I am not an expert. I just know that I have lived it. If you are reading this and maybe you are struggling to get through, know that I understand what you are going through. And also know that I am living proof that mental illness in all its many shapes and forms can be managed. There is light at the end of the tunnel. My life is not perfect and I still have many things to work on but, I am still here. I have been in the darkest of moments and I was able to get to this point. And now my good days outweigh my bad ones and I have actually been able to find moments of joy in life. Keep fighting. You are worth it, you are valuable and people care about you. The sun eventually comes out after every storm.
I hope this finds you well. Happy Saturday. Take care, Shawn.
Our human compassion
binds us the one to the other - not in pity or patronizingly, but as
human beings who have learnt how to turn our common suffering into hope
for the future.
Nelson Mandela
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/n/nelsonmand447262.html?src=t_hope
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/n/nelsonmand447262.html?src=t_hope
Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all of the darkness.
Our human compassion
binds us the one to the other - not in pity or patronizingly, but as
human beings who have learnt how to turn our common suffering into hope
for the future.
Nelson Mandela
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/n/nelsonmand447262.html?src=t_hope
Read more at: https://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/quotes/n/nelsonmand447262.html?src=t_hope
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