Some Thoughts

I finished work on the 21rst of November.  It felt good to have made it through another season.  I continued to develop strong relationships with the people I worked with.  I was able to share more of my story with others and never felt judged by them.  A lot of them told me how much they respected me for my work ethic and my ability to maintain my sobriety for so long.  As much I was disappointed with the hours I got this year,  I am still very proud of the work I did and the respect I earned.  The level of stress and anxiety that I have had in the last two years has lessened drastically.  I am not sure what next year will bring for me but, I am positive that these last two years have built up my confidence to the point where I will be able to face whatever challenges the 2018 season may bring.

As you may be able to tell, I started this blog quite some time a go.  I could not bring myself to finish it at the time.  It has been an up and down journey since that point.  I still struggle to find the peace within myself and as the calendar year has turned, I constantly wonder what path my journey will take in this new year.

If I relate my life to that of a marathon, I have reached the half way point.  I am not quite sure how I survived the first half of the race and I often wonder if I have the inner strength to continue to push through the last half and cross the finish line on my own terms.  I want so much to be there at the end.  The daily battle within my mind and the angst that my thoughts and mood cause me at times, make the last half of my marathon seem that much more daunting to me.  I have fought so hard to be at this point and I am proud of where I am and what I have overcome.  My mind has been my greatest ally and my greatest enemy at the same time.  I wish others could see inside my head at times to understand choices I have made, behaviors I have shown or how my mood can fluctuate so drastically within a short period of time.  I think a light bulb would go off in many of those people that have been part of my life for so long.  

I am very fortunate to have had the people in my life that I have had.  Without those around me,  my story would have had a different ending.  When I am in a deep depression,  I often find myself thinking of those people that are such an important part of my life.  Their mere presence in my mind often helps me find ways to search for the positive within negative thought patterns.  Never underestimate the impact you can have on someones life.  Relationships and connections to others are so important and their is always someone else that can relate to you in some way.

I turn 42 next weekend.  I have everything I want and need but, I still struggle knowing that I am not where I imagined I would be on a personal level.  Managing bi polar and addictions is not a simple task and I am still proud of things I have accomplished considering.  There is still part of me that wonders what I could have accomplished if my mind had been able to function differently.  I find myself jealous at times of friends I used to have growing up and the things they were able to accomplish academically and professionally.  I get pissed off at the fact that bi polar and addiction has affected so many aspects of my life and thwarted many hopes and dreams for myself growing up.  I know that is a self defeating way to think but,  it is just what I feel sometimes.

I will strive to write more in this blog in 2018.  I miss it.  I have some many ideas of things I want to write about and need to motivate myself to stroke these keys more often.  I really hope you are doing well wherever you may be in this world.  I appreciate you taking the time to listen to what I share and I want to help someone else in some way to overcome obstacles they may be facing.

All the best in 2018.  Take care,  Shawn.

 “Soon, when all is well, you're going to look back on this period of your life and be so glad that you never gave up.”
― Brittany Burgunder