Improvement

This past week was a better week.  I made a conscience effort to remain positive and work hard at doing a good job.  My crew worked very hard and I really enjoy their company and their dedication.  We have our staff party tonight which I am really looking forward to.  I am really thankful for the job I have and think tonight will be a good opportunity to interact with those I spend most of my time with. 

My mind has slowed down a lot and my mini depression seems to have subsided.  I had difficulty last night as I could not stop thinking about something in my mind.  I always make things out to be worse than they actually are in reality.  I go to worst case scenarios and that thought process is something I am still working on.  I do have counseling next week which I believe will be helpful for me. 

I did open up about my illness a bit which was a risk for me.  I am never sure how others will take it but, I thought it was important after the previous week as my bi polar definitely impacted those around me.  I want so much to be successful and I am determined to overcome challenges that I face on a daily basis.

I did the pruning at my place last weekend.  I love pruning more than anything else.  If I was ever able to open up my own company,  that is what I would focus my business on.  Part of what I struggle with is that my mind is rarely not trying to manage my thoughts and mood.  When I prune,  my mind is peaceful.  It is just myself and whatever plant, shrub or tree that I am working on.  I am thankful to my old boss for giving me the abilities I have.

I managed to get a good night sleep and I am hoping to have a great weekend. I am making my dad breakfast for fathers day and then we are going to go fly some kites if the wind cooperates.  I love my dad dearly and am grateful to him for all the love, support and encouragement he has shown me.

I hope this finds you well.  Enjoy your weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.

 “Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

Tough Week

Just spent the last 15 minutes crying.  Always fun.  The last week has been a tough one.  I cried the whole way home from work on Friday too.  It was a challenging week as exhaustion flooded through my body for the whole week.  I am pretty sure I forgot to take my mood stabilizer on Friday morning which I am sure did not help.  I love my job and love the people I work with.  I felt like I let my supervisor and my team mates down.  I was being negative when there was no need.  I let my own shit cloud my ability to be a positive contributor.  Some days I forget that no one else can see inside my mind.  No one else can see what I am struggling with inside and I need to remember that as I cannot let whatever I may be dealing with affect how I project to others.  My mood can shift drastically in a very short period of time and that is just part of my bi polar shit.  It has nothing to do with anyone else but, I need to work harder to manage my mood as I don't want people to think I am simply a negative person at times.  I think my bi polar makes me look like an ass hole sometimes and that is not who I am at all.  I am generally a pretty kind, caring and passionate person.  I need to do better.

The last few months have been pretty crazy with everything that has gone on.  I have done my best to manage but, it kind of caught up with me a bit lately.  I had some pretty strong feelings about ending my life lately.  No need to worry.  I have had suicidal thoughts so many fucking times in my life, I am quite used to it by now.  Does not mean that they are enjoyable to have in any way and I hate that I have them.  I wish my mind was simpler.  I would love to have one day where I did not to fight to manage my thought patterns and mood.  Others try to empathize when you try to explain but, unless you have lived it,  no one else really has any idea what I live with daily. 

Jodi and I were talking the other day about what we would want if something were to happen to one of us.  I told her I would not want a religious service.  Is not part of who I am or what I believe in.  I am not scared of death.  I used to be as the premise of burning in hell for all of eternity used to be drilled in to our minds in church if we did not have faith in God.  What my hope would be is that when my time comes whenever that may be,  is that I am simply done.  I just want my mind to finally be at peace.  No more thoughts.

It is a beautiful day here today.  I need to get myself moving and force myself to get the day going.  I think I will hit the gym soon and maybe head over to my folks for a swim.  Yes I still have very hard days but, I do have a lot to be thankful for.  I have people that love and care about me and I have been able to experience a lot of great things.  Just need to remind myself that I am worth fighting for and that I need to simplify things and take it day by day.

I really hope this finds you well.  Have a wonderful day.  Take care,  Shawn.

Kindness is like a boomerang.  The more you send it out, the more of it comes back to you.

Anonymous