Tough Week

Just spent the last 15 minutes crying.  Always fun.  The last week has been a tough one.  I cried the whole way home from work on Friday too.  It was a challenging week as exhaustion flooded through my body for the whole week.  I am pretty sure I forgot to take my mood stabilizer on Friday morning which I am sure did not help.  I love my job and love the people I work with.  I felt like I let my supervisor and my team mates down.  I was being negative when there was no need.  I let my own shit cloud my ability to be a positive contributor.  Some days I forget that no one else can see inside my mind.  No one else can see what I am struggling with inside and I need to remember that as I cannot let whatever I may be dealing with affect how I project to others.  My mood can shift drastically in a very short period of time and that is just part of my bi polar shit.  It has nothing to do with anyone else but, I need to work harder to manage my mood as I don't want people to think I am simply a negative person at times.  I think my bi polar makes me look like an ass hole sometimes and that is not who I am at all.  I am generally a pretty kind, caring and passionate person.  I need to do better.

The last few months have been pretty crazy with everything that has gone on.  I have done my best to manage but, it kind of caught up with me a bit lately.  I had some pretty strong feelings about ending my life lately.  No need to worry.  I have had suicidal thoughts so many fucking times in my life, I am quite used to it by now.  Does not mean that they are enjoyable to have in any way and I hate that I have them.  I wish my mind was simpler.  I would love to have one day where I did not to fight to manage my thought patterns and mood.  Others try to empathize when you try to explain but, unless you have lived it,  no one else really has any idea what I live with daily. 

Jodi and I were talking the other day about what we would want if something were to happen to one of us.  I told her I would not want a religious service.  Is not part of who I am or what I believe in.  I am not scared of death.  I used to be as the premise of burning in hell for all of eternity used to be drilled in to our minds in church if we did not have faith in God.  What my hope would be is that when my time comes whenever that may be,  is that I am simply done.  I just want my mind to finally be at peace.  No more thoughts.

It is a beautiful day here today.  I need to get myself moving and force myself to get the day going.  I think I will hit the gym soon and maybe head over to my folks for a swim.  Yes I still have very hard days but, I do have a lot to be thankful for.  I have people that love and care about me and I have been able to experience a lot of great things.  Just need to remind myself that I am worth fighting for and that I need to simplify things and take it day by day.

I really hope this finds you well.  Have a wonderful day.  Take care,  Shawn.

Kindness is like a boomerang.  The more you send it out, the more of it comes back to you.

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