The Inner Battle

I know I said I would not write until winter but, I need to today.  Writing and pruning are the only two things that help calm my mind.

Truthfully, I have not been doing that well the last few days.  My mind will not stop racing and I am finding it very difficult to slow down.  One part of my brain is telling me to give up and filling my mind with negative things about myself and the other half is telling me to continue fighting and reminding me that there are so many positive aspects to my life.  It is a very complex battle and so far, I have been able to win it.  It can be very draining but, I will try to take it day by day.

I do have counseling tonight which should be helpful.  One of the things she talked to me about was mind reading.  I create so much inner turmoil for myself because I often think I know what people think of me or how they may judge me.  I create negative scenarios in my mind for what may happen when in actuality, it is nothing close to the truth.  I am very good at what I do but, I had an off day Friday and took some things way out of context and now I constantly worry I have jeopardized this amazing opportunity I have been given. 

I had an osteopath appointment today which really helped me.  Not only is my osteopath amazingly good at what he does,  he is very easy to talk to and we have developed a strong connection.  I always enjoy our time together and consider him a friend of mine.  I was feeling very low this morning and my mind was spinning in a negative direction.  Just feeling connected to someone else and talking some things through,  I felt so much better and I am thankful to him for that.

If others could see inside my mind, a light bulb would go off and they would understand.  Unfortunately , that is not the way things work.  I can only work hard at doing the best I can and I cannot always control what others thoughts or feelings towards me.  It is just so fucking frustrating for me at times.  I have come so far but, my mind regresses like this on occasion and it can be very difficult to manage.

I already feel far better this afternoon than I have the last three or four days and I am going to try to think about things much past today.

I have had the opportunity to visit Jodi's folks Bernie and Karen the last week.  They are such wonderful people and I am very fortunate to have them as in laws.  We have had a chance to play some golf and have some nice dinners together.  I think I am on the grill tonight which I am looking forward to.  We have a few more days with them which will be great.  I think we are playing some more golf tomorrow.  Family is so important and I am thankful for the time we have had.

I also had the chance to visit with my brother Ryan.  We were able to have some good conversations and get in a bit of tennis.  Those moments are special to me.  I do not see him too often as he lives out west.  I am lucky to have the brothers and sister I have as they have played an instrumental part in getting me to where I am today.  Safe travels Ry.

On Sunday,  I said goodbye to a dear friend, Nan.  Unfortunately, she has terminal cancer.  I visited her at a hospice in Guelph.  I knew it would be the last time I saw her and we had a nice moment together.  I held her hand and told her I loved her.  I kissed her on the forehead and said good bye.  It is not often you get a chance to say good bye to someone before their time comes.  She is a beautiful person inside and out.  She has a kind soul and a generous spirit.  She was there for me in some dark times and I am thankful for the chats we had around their dining room table.  I will miss her and know she will be at peace and in a better place.  Love you Nan.


I truly hope this finds you well.  Take care,  Shawn.