Tired

I am tired of my mind being consumed by things I cannot control.  This is not a new issue for me.  I have struggled with this for a very long time.  Picturing worst case scenarios in my mind and letting it control my thought patterns and mood.  It can be so fucking frustrating some days.  I do my best to live with this disorder but,  it can be overwhelming.  It takes a lot of effort on a daily, monthly and yearly basis to manage the unhealthy part of my brain with the healthy part of my brain.  That is why mental health is such a tricky thing.  Others cannot see inside your mind to know what you are dealing with.  And unless you live with a mental disorder,  it extremely difficult to explain to someone else what you are going through.  And as much as others want to be there for you,  I am sure it can be draining to listen to someone like me.  And therein is the paradox of my illness.  I want to reach out for help but, I also do not want to burden anyone else with what I am struggling with.

I am feeling a lot better than I did the other day and simply writing the above paragraph has helped me a little bit.  I do not mean to sound negative and although there are certainly tough days,  I have much to be thankful for.  I have to remind myself of the little joys of life and continue to push through for myself and for those who believe in me.  I need to stop using my mind as a crystal ball and predicting shitty situations for myself and just allow myself to live day by day.  Enjoy participating in life and not simply surviving in it.

I had counseling the other day.  It was positive to reach out to someone and just unload some of what I have been having a hard time with.  I always leave those appointments feeling some optimism and if nothing else, feel like someone has listened to me without judging me.

Jodi and I leaving for our trip in a couple days.  I really want to make this a memorable trip for both of us and I am going to work hard while we are a way to challenge my mind even if I may be having a hard time in certain situations.

Writing is so therapeutic for me.  I do not really know if anyone ever actually reads this but, it helps me to get thoughts down.  If it helps someone along the way,  that would be something I would be proud of.  If I ever had the opportunity to be able to write for a living,  I would take it in a heartbeat.  It has always been my dream.  Who know if it will ever become a reality.

Hope this finds you well.  If I do not write again before I leave,  have a safe and joyous holiday season.  Embrace the time you have with family and friends.

Take care,  Shawn.

“You cannot swim for new horizons until you have courage to lose sight of the shore.”
― William Faulkner

Spinning Top

When I had my first major depressive episode when I was 21 years old,  the hardest part at the time for me to deal with was racing thoughts.  My mind would go around and around like a spinning top. Except with my mind,  it did not slow down.  I had no fucking clue what was going on and I was not on any medications at the time.  Good thoughts, bad thoughts, bizarre thoughts, past mistakes, self doubt, suicidal thoughts all racing through my head and I had no idea how to slow it down.  I could describe it as something out of the movie, Clockwork Orange,  pretty fucked up.

I had a similar day to that yesterday.  I could not get my mind to slow down.  I take my medications regularly but, there are some days that the bi polar part of my brain seems to take over.  I have been struggling a bit over the last few weeks leading up to yesterday.  Kind of in and out of minor depressions.  Lacking focus and getting out of routine.   

My mind is a lot slower today which I am grateful for.  I feel a little peace within and am going to try to work on a positive mindset for today.

Hope this finds you well.  Seasons Greetings.  Shawn.

“Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony.”
― Mahatma Gandhi