The Army Behind You

I am up way too early today.  I did not have a restful sleep.  I do not feel too tired yet but, I am sure I will feel it later today.  I need to keep on top of my sleep and be conscience of the things I need to do on a daily basis to ensure I am getting the rest I need.

I have never felt this good in my adult life.  I always thought my identitiy would be attached to my mental illness and my addictions.  Both from an internal stand point and an external stand point.  Viewing myself as having bi polar and 2 addictions and others identifying me the same way.  That has drastically shifted this year.  I have worked hard not to detach myself from my illness and addictions but, rather to embrace them and fto ind deep personal meaning despite of them.

A dear family friend once told me that you cannot defeat the army ahead of you, if you have not defeated the one behind you.  I could never quite put that concept in to practice.  This year however, I have learned exactly what that saying means.  My whole life prior to the last 10 months was a perpetual cycle of shame and guilt.  Punishing myself on a daily basis, drilling in to my psyche that I was a loser, that I would just fuck up again, that I was not worthy of love or happiness.  That my life would constantly be filled with struggle and pain.  The shift that has helped me the most this year is the ability to let go and to forgive myself.  As I have written before,  the hardest part for me as it pertains to living with Bi Polar Type 2, an addiction to alcohol and a gambling addiction this long is not my own struggle.  I can accept who I am and what I have lived through.  I do not blame anyone for the years of angst within my mind.  The part I struggled with the most is the impact I have had on others.  Mental illness and addictions have a long reach.  There are so many people along the way that have been impacted by the imbalance in my mind.  That is the part I have struggled with for what seems like an eternity.

What I have worked hard on this year is being able to let go and forgive myself.  Unfortunately I cannot change the past but, I could never move forward until I came to some sort of peace with it and I have done that.  I live each day now trying to be a better version of myself.  Impacting positve change in others and using my experiences to attempt to help and model to those who may be struggling with similar things.  I can look myself in the mirror now and be proud of the person I am.

I have thought of death a lot in my life.  As you may know,  suicidal thoughts have been a big part of my struggle over the years.  I sometimes think to myself as I am driving about how many times I thought of driving my car off of the road.  Or the days that every minute of every day was consumed my thoughts of ending my life,  as I could not see any light in the darkness that used to consume me.

I do not take any day on earth for granted.  I realize how prescious life is and that it is a gift.  I am so thankful that somehow I fought through those times to be here writing this today.  I tell Jodi all the time that I believe part of the reason I have made it through,  is that I have a greater purpose.  To share my story in hopes that I can help somone else fight through their own struggle.  You may not think I undertand what you are going through but, I can tell you with absolute certainty that I do.  I know the chaos that can be so prevalent in the mind at times.  I know that it can feel as though there is no way out, that struggle is your desiny.  That it will never get better and that I am the only one feeling this way.  If anyone reading this is struggling, I can tell you that although things may seem bleak,  there is a way out.  You are worth it.  You deserve life.  Somone out there cares for you.  It may take a while and it takes some work but, if you trust in the goodness of life, there will come a time when you will be so thankful you fought through your pain and came out the other side.  I know it to be true.

I can look in the mirror now and be proud of who I see.  I could not always do that.  I am so very thankful that I have finally come to that point.  I want to continue to work hard every day to maitain this way of living.  It takes a lot of discipline but, man is it worth it.  The high I get from life now is greater than anything I could get from gambling, alcohol or a drug.  And I truly mean that.  Yes there are days when I still get caught up in negative thought cycles or go through mini bouts of depression but,  I have the tools and confidence now to manage those.  Hard work does pay off.

I do hope this finds you well.  I enjoy writing so much.  And I feel as though I have some small impact on others by sharing like this.  That is part of why I write this blog.

I imagine I will write one more time before Christmas.  If I do not, I wish you all a happy holidays.  Regardless of what you believe in or where you come from, I think this time of year is a time to embrace the goodess of others and and to do our very best to spread kindness to our fellow men and women.

Take care ,  Shawn.


“The world as we have created it is a process of our thinking. It cannot be changed without changing our thinking.”
― Albert Einstein