I had the day off today which was a nice surprise. The weather around here has been crazy the last few days. Snow, freezing rain, rain and some pretty high winds. Guess mother nature got her calendar mixed up this year.
Not really too much to write about tonight. Think I am going to stop watching the news again. It just seems that it is filled with a plethora of negativity. No wonder we stress so much about every day life with all that doom and gloom fed to us every day. I would much rather watch a good episode of Seinfeld or read some of my current book.
Watching the Jays right now. They are down 2-1 in the fifth inning. I really hope they bring Snyder back up to the bigs. Thames is just too inconsistent at the plate and is a liability defensively. Travis has been hitting well in Vegas and has a great arm.
Cannot believe that tomorrow is hump day already. Guess it helps when you miss a day but, I am not complaining. I get as many hours as most people in four days anyway so it is not much of an issue.
Ollie has seemed quite content to chew on his bone for most of the night. I am sure he enjoyed having some company during the day today.
Heading to bed soon. Will write a more in depth blog the next time out. I watched an amazing documentary a week a go that I want to touch on. Hope this finds you in good spirits. Thank you to those who have taken the time to read some of my reflections, it means a lot to me.
Keep on keepin on. Take care, Shawn.
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
Saturday, 21 April 2012
Addictive Nature
Bi-Polar disorder comes with an addictive nature in a lot of cases. I have definitely been affected by that aspect of the disorder.
I have been sober now for two and half years. The last drink I had was on November 2nd, 2009 which I am quite proud of. I went to self help groups for a while but, decided in the end that they were simply not for me. They are an amazing tool for those seeking sobriety. There were just some aspects that did not appeal to me.
I could not tell you one time where I sat down and had one drink. I never drank every day but, could never control the amount I consumed. I was a bad version of Frank the Tank, an animal of sorts. I am not proud of my behavior on numerous occasions and have to live with some of the decisions I made. I hurt and embarrassed a lot of people close to me when I drank and I am ashamed of that fact. I never had a filter control with alcohol. It was always drinking to the point of idiocy and poor judgement. I figure the best way I can make it up to people I affected with my drinking is making the changes I have made so far. Apologies are one thing but, actions speak far louder than words. I still need to make amends for some past mistakes but, feel I am heading in the right direction.
Gambling has also been part of my addictive exploration. I still remember the first time I gambled at the Fergus Fall Fair, betting loonies on the spinning wheel. There was a phase in college where scratch and wins were a big appeal to me. Then it moved to black jack where its grip on me took full affect. When I lived in Banff, I used to play the Video Lottery Terminals at the local pubs. There was a long time when I did not gamble at all. Then the poker craze came in to the picture. I had always played home games with buddies but, this was different. There was something about the game of poker that really appealed to me. The online poker made it that much easier to chase a fantasy existence. I was not heavy in to it until I started working as an educational assistant. I think part of the reason I became obsessed with it, was that I hated my job so much. Poker was my way out in my distorted mind. If I could only find a way to win a shit load of money, I would not have to work at a job I hated. The thing about gambling addiction is that it does not matter how much you win, it is never enough. You are always trying to find a way to lose it all, sinking in the pit that surrounds it. I have been up large sums of money, only to lose it all within a day. I cannot even comprehend how much I lost in the height of my addiction but, it affected our lives dramatically.
The funny thing about those commercials for poker sites on television is the story they sell you. They make it appear that there is some dream world with poker just waiting for you which is far from the truth. They seem to leave out the broken families, the 2nd mortgages taken out, not having money for bills, the lies and the utter shame that comes with it. Guess that is not good for their image. I knew a girl once that had a goal of getting to a 100,000 dollars and then getting out of the game. She did business with a bookie and was up to something close to 90,000 dollars. She ended up losing it all and then owing 30 000 to the bookie. The thing about it is that it would not have mattered if she had got to the 100 grand mark, she would not have stopped. That money would have just fueled her addiction and she would have lost it at some point. I consider myself quite lucky in a way, I have heard some pretty devastating stories of those impacted by gambling. Gambling addiction has one of the highest suicide rates which is sad but, true fact.
Although addictive nature is an aspect of bi-polar disorder, I have never once used that as an excuse for my decisions. I will never say that I was not responsible for my actions because I have a mental disorder. It is certainly not easy dealing with the complexities of the disorder but, I will not use it as a scapegoat. The positive aspect of all of this is that I have learned more about myself in 36 years than a lot of people do in a life time. I have fallen down a plethora of stairs in my day but, I am now finding ways to climb back up those same stairs. One step at a time.
Work is going well these days. Spring clean ups are almost finished and grass cutting will start in a week which I am excited about. We are going to see one of my co-workers speak at church tomorrow which will be nice.
Have a relaxing weekend. Take care, Shawn.
I have been sober now for two and half years. The last drink I had was on November 2nd, 2009 which I am quite proud of. I went to self help groups for a while but, decided in the end that they were simply not for me. They are an amazing tool for those seeking sobriety. There were just some aspects that did not appeal to me.
I could not tell you one time where I sat down and had one drink. I never drank every day but, could never control the amount I consumed. I was a bad version of Frank the Tank, an animal of sorts. I am not proud of my behavior on numerous occasions and have to live with some of the decisions I made. I hurt and embarrassed a lot of people close to me when I drank and I am ashamed of that fact. I never had a filter control with alcohol. It was always drinking to the point of idiocy and poor judgement. I figure the best way I can make it up to people I affected with my drinking is making the changes I have made so far. Apologies are one thing but, actions speak far louder than words. I still need to make amends for some past mistakes but, feel I am heading in the right direction.
Gambling has also been part of my addictive exploration. I still remember the first time I gambled at the Fergus Fall Fair, betting loonies on the spinning wheel. There was a phase in college where scratch and wins were a big appeal to me. Then it moved to black jack where its grip on me took full affect. When I lived in Banff, I used to play the Video Lottery Terminals at the local pubs. There was a long time when I did not gamble at all. Then the poker craze came in to the picture. I had always played home games with buddies but, this was different. There was something about the game of poker that really appealed to me. The online poker made it that much easier to chase a fantasy existence. I was not heavy in to it until I started working as an educational assistant. I think part of the reason I became obsessed with it, was that I hated my job so much. Poker was my way out in my distorted mind. If I could only find a way to win a shit load of money, I would not have to work at a job I hated. The thing about gambling addiction is that it does not matter how much you win, it is never enough. You are always trying to find a way to lose it all, sinking in the pit that surrounds it. I have been up large sums of money, only to lose it all within a day. I cannot even comprehend how much I lost in the height of my addiction but, it affected our lives dramatically.
The funny thing about those commercials for poker sites on television is the story they sell you. They make it appear that there is some dream world with poker just waiting for you which is far from the truth. They seem to leave out the broken families, the 2nd mortgages taken out, not having money for bills, the lies and the utter shame that comes with it. Guess that is not good for their image. I knew a girl once that had a goal of getting to a 100,000 dollars and then getting out of the game. She did business with a bookie and was up to something close to 90,000 dollars. She ended up losing it all and then owing 30 000 to the bookie. The thing about it is that it would not have mattered if she had got to the 100 grand mark, she would not have stopped. That money would have just fueled her addiction and she would have lost it at some point. I consider myself quite lucky in a way, I have heard some pretty devastating stories of those impacted by gambling. Gambling addiction has one of the highest suicide rates which is sad but, true fact.
Although addictive nature is an aspect of bi-polar disorder, I have never once used that as an excuse for my decisions. I will never say that I was not responsible for my actions because I have a mental disorder. It is certainly not easy dealing with the complexities of the disorder but, I will not use it as a scapegoat. The positive aspect of all of this is that I have learned more about myself in 36 years than a lot of people do in a life time. I have fallen down a plethora of stairs in my day but, I am now finding ways to climb back up those same stairs. One step at a time.
Work is going well these days. Spring clean ups are almost finished and grass cutting will start in a week which I am excited about. We are going to see one of my co-workers speak at church tomorrow which will be nice.
Have a relaxing weekend. Take care, Shawn.
Saturday, 14 April 2012
A Relaxing Day
It is an over cast day here so we are taking some time to relax and catch up on some laundry. The Jays play at 4:00 so the dogs are ready to throw on the barbecue. Jodi and I make an effort to watch all their games. I am so excited about the team this year. I love their line up from top to bottom. We just need to get the pitching sorted out and this year the Jays might be in the mix come October.
Work is going really well to date which is a positive sign. Still taking the time to break up day in to segments. We worked 50 hours this week which is draining but, quite rewarding. It is amazing how much work Smitty and I get done in a week. We get in such a good rhythm, pushing ourselves to do the work efficiently. We miss some things but, I am proud of the work we do. Grass cutting is right around the corner which I looking forward to as I take great pride in my lines.
I went to see our adopted grandmother today, June. She has not been in the best health of late and it was nice to have a visit. I brought Ollie along to say hello. June has always loved pets and I think she really enjoys when I bring him. She is 90 year old, quite amazing. I was looking at her hands today and realized how much wisdom was in them. She has experienced so many transitions in our history. She is a kind and gentle soul and am glad she has been part of our family for so long.
Ollie turns two tomorrow. We have to get him some treats and maybe a new toy to celebrate. He is growing up so fast. He is still a bit of a monkey but, it is hard not to love our boy. I wish I could communicate to him somehow the impact he has had on me. His unconditional love has attributed to my growth as a person.
Hope this finds you in good spirits. Remember that even the longest and darkest tunnel will have light at the end of it. Take care.
Go Jays Go!!!!!!!!
Work is going really well to date which is a positive sign. Still taking the time to break up day in to segments. We worked 50 hours this week which is draining but, quite rewarding. It is amazing how much work Smitty and I get done in a week. We get in such a good rhythm, pushing ourselves to do the work efficiently. We miss some things but, I am proud of the work we do. Grass cutting is right around the corner which I looking forward to as I take great pride in my lines.
I went to see our adopted grandmother today, June. She has not been in the best health of late and it was nice to have a visit. I brought Ollie along to say hello. June has always loved pets and I think she really enjoys when I bring him. She is 90 year old, quite amazing. I was looking at her hands today and realized how much wisdom was in them. She has experienced so many transitions in our history. She is a kind and gentle soul and am glad she has been part of our family for so long.
Ollie turns two tomorrow. We have to get him some treats and maybe a new toy to celebrate. He is growing up so fast. He is still a bit of a monkey but, it is hard not to love our boy. I wish I could communicate to him somehow the impact he has had on me. His unconditional love has attributed to my growth as a person.
Hope this finds you in good spirits. Remember that even the longest and darkest tunnel will have light at the end of it. Take care.
Go Jays Go!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, 4 April 2012
Easter is Upon Us
Just going to be a short blog tonight as I am physically drained.
Week number two is almost done. We have Friday off this week for Easter which will be nice break.
I have been doing well mentally for the most part. A few moments here and there but, fairly balanced all around. Just taking it minute by minute, one step at a time.
We have been doing spring clean ups, tree work and digging out some plants. I enjoy spring clean ups. It is nice to shape the landscape of some pretty high end properties and make them look sharp for the upcoming season. I would be content with clean ups, grass cutting and summer pruning. I do not enjoy tree work as much simply because I feel a bit lost. I mostly feel that I am in the way and am not confident with the whole process. Guess that is just something I will get more comfortable with in time.
We are getting together as a family on Saturday which will be great. I always enjoy catching up on everyone's lives. I wish Ryan and Deb were here for Easter too but, look forward to seeing them in August. My dad turns 65 in April which is exciting for our family. My dad has been a constant support in my life for the last while and I really appreciate it. He is always there to listen and pass on some words of encouragement.
Hope you have a fulfilling Easter this year.
Take care, Shawn.
Week number two is almost done. We have Friday off this week for Easter which will be nice break.
I have been doing well mentally for the most part. A few moments here and there but, fairly balanced all around. Just taking it minute by minute, one step at a time.
We have been doing spring clean ups, tree work and digging out some plants. I enjoy spring clean ups. It is nice to shape the landscape of some pretty high end properties and make them look sharp for the upcoming season. I would be content with clean ups, grass cutting and summer pruning. I do not enjoy tree work as much simply because I feel a bit lost. I mostly feel that I am in the way and am not confident with the whole process. Guess that is just something I will get more comfortable with in time.
We are getting together as a family on Saturday which will be great. I always enjoy catching up on everyone's lives. I wish Ryan and Deb were here for Easter too but, look forward to seeing them in August. My dad turns 65 in April which is exciting for our family. My dad has been a constant support in my life for the last while and I really appreciate it. He is always there to listen and pass on some words of encouragement.
Hope you have a fulfilling Easter this year.
Take care, Shawn.
Friday, 30 March 2012
First Week in the Books
Seems like an eternity since I have written in my blog. It is not because I have lost interest in the endeavor but, that I have been physically exhausted.
I finished my first full week of landscaping today which is a big success for me. It was encouraging to be back at something I am familiar with. It will be nice to earn a pay check every week again too.
The last time I wrote in my blog, I mentioned that I was going to focus on breaking the day in to small blocks of time. This seems to be working wonders for me so far. I was not too overwhelmed mentally for a long duration of time. I had one "bi-polar" moment where I had to walk a way for a couple of minutes to collect myself because I was becoming a bit emotional. I take comments that are meant to be constructive criticism far too personally and it throws me off at times. This was one of those moments but, it did not last long which is a good sign.
I am working with Smitty again this year. He is a great guy and a lot of fun to work with. We work extremely well together and get in a good rhythm. I am so glad he is back as I would feel lost without him there. It is not that I do not know what I am doing, it just gives me more confidence knowing that someone is there to answer any questions I may have. It looks like we may end up having a new addition to the crew this year so it may take a while to create the same cohesion that Smitty and I have.
I did a lot of digging this week. We had to take a lot of plants at a property and it really works your back muscles. I have to get some A535 to rub in at night to help as I have always dealt with back pain at various stages in my life. I used the tractor to load some gravel in to a bed which was fun. It was damn scary at first as there was some tricky slopes to deal with but, felt good to finish the job right.
My favorite part of the week was doing some spring pruning. Pruning plants is something I pride myself on and is a skill that I seem to have a knack for. We have an Echo at work and I love that machine. I am definitely going to get one down the road when our budget allows it. There is something about pruning plants that blocks everything else out. My thoughts are gone, there is no anxiety or stress and none of the blues. Just me and the plant. Guess you could relate it to a pitcher in baseball who gets in a zone and can shut the crowd noise out. When I am done shaping a plant, it gives me a sense of joy. Now if I could just figure out how to get in to that pruning zone in other aspects of my life, life would become simple.
We are taking it easy this weekend. Jodi has her skating carnival tomorrow and then she is done for the year. Beach volleyball starts in a month which we are looking forward too. Guess we should try to squeeze in a round of golf sometime this summer too. Still cannot believe it snowed today after the amazing weather we had a few weeks a go.
A smile can go a long way to making someones day.
Take care, Shawn.
I finished my first full week of landscaping today which is a big success for me. It was encouraging to be back at something I am familiar with. It will be nice to earn a pay check every week again too.
The last time I wrote in my blog, I mentioned that I was going to focus on breaking the day in to small blocks of time. This seems to be working wonders for me so far. I was not too overwhelmed mentally for a long duration of time. I had one "bi-polar" moment where I had to walk a way for a couple of minutes to collect myself because I was becoming a bit emotional. I take comments that are meant to be constructive criticism far too personally and it throws me off at times. This was one of those moments but, it did not last long which is a good sign.
I am working with Smitty again this year. He is a great guy and a lot of fun to work with. We work extremely well together and get in a good rhythm. I am so glad he is back as I would feel lost without him there. It is not that I do not know what I am doing, it just gives me more confidence knowing that someone is there to answer any questions I may have. It looks like we may end up having a new addition to the crew this year so it may take a while to create the same cohesion that Smitty and I have.
I did a lot of digging this week. We had to take a lot of plants at a property and it really works your back muscles. I have to get some A535 to rub in at night to help as I have always dealt with back pain at various stages in my life. I used the tractor to load some gravel in to a bed which was fun. It was damn scary at first as there was some tricky slopes to deal with but, felt good to finish the job right.
My favorite part of the week was doing some spring pruning. Pruning plants is something I pride myself on and is a skill that I seem to have a knack for. We have an Echo at work and I love that machine. I am definitely going to get one down the road when our budget allows it. There is something about pruning plants that blocks everything else out. My thoughts are gone, there is no anxiety or stress and none of the blues. Just me and the plant. Guess you could relate it to a pitcher in baseball who gets in a zone and can shut the crowd noise out. When I am done shaping a plant, it gives me a sense of joy. Now if I could just figure out how to get in to that pruning zone in other aspects of my life, life would become simple.
We are taking it easy this weekend. Jodi has her skating carnival tomorrow and then she is done for the year. Beach volleyball starts in a month which we are looking forward too. Guess we should try to squeeze in a round of golf sometime this summer too. Still cannot believe it snowed today after the amazing weather we had a few weeks a go.
A smile can go a long way to making someones day.
Take care, Shawn.
Thursday, 22 March 2012
The Long and Winding Road
Sometimes I feel that Beatles song describes what I have been on for the last twenty years, a long and winding road. I often tell others that living with bi-polar is like being on a roller coaster you cannot get off. A coaster goes up, down, upside down, in circles and levels out on occasion. That is the best way I could describe what I have lived through.
I checked out a cool website the other day. It is www.mindcheck.ca. It was started in part by Kevin Bieksa of the Canucks to get the discussion going regarding mental health. Kevin lost his good friend, Rick Rypien, to suicide. From what I have heard about Rick, he was of great character and always putting others first. I think this website is a great tool for those looking for help or people looking to find out more about mental illness. There is also the opportunity to take a pledge for mental health, you should really give it a look.
Tomorrow, I am working again which made my mind kind wander a bit. I cried a little but really do feel better than on Monday. I already have one successful day in the books so it will definitely be a little easier tomorrow. I start full time next week which I am actually looking forward too. Having the winter off was great but, having more of a routine will be good for me. I am going to try to break the day in to sections. Not looking at finishing the day, just finishing the first two hours. Then finishing to lunch and so on. I think if I can challenge myself to do this every day, I will be more successful.
I heard The Longest Time by Billy Joel sung on American Idol. It was on when I came back from a milk run and really perked me up. It is one of favorite songs of all time and you cannot help feeling good when you hear it.
I am heading to bed now, early wake up call in the morning. I take risperidone (not sure of spelling) at night which really helps me sleep. I used to have trouble at night because my mind would race relentlessly and restless nights would follow. The meds help slow the thought process down and I normally sleep like a baby now.
Hope this finds you in good spirits.
Take care, Shawn.
I checked out a cool website the other day. It is www.mindcheck.ca. It was started in part by Kevin Bieksa of the Canucks to get the discussion going regarding mental health. Kevin lost his good friend, Rick Rypien, to suicide. From what I have heard about Rick, he was of great character and always putting others first. I think this website is a great tool for those looking for help or people looking to find out more about mental illness. There is also the opportunity to take a pledge for mental health, you should really give it a look.
Tomorrow, I am working again which made my mind kind wander a bit. I cried a little but really do feel better than on Monday. I already have one successful day in the books so it will definitely be a little easier tomorrow. I start full time next week which I am actually looking forward too. Having the winter off was great but, having more of a routine will be good for me. I am going to try to break the day in to sections. Not looking at finishing the day, just finishing the first two hours. Then finishing to lunch and so on. I think if I can challenge myself to do this every day, I will be more successful.
I heard The Longest Time by Billy Joel sung on American Idol. It was on when I came back from a milk run and really perked me up. It is one of favorite songs of all time and you cannot help feeling good when you hear it.
I am heading to bed now, early wake up call in the morning. I take risperidone (not sure of spelling) at night which really helps me sleep. I used to have trouble at night because my mind would race relentlessly and restless nights would follow. The meds help slow the thought process down and I normally sleep like a baby now.
Hope this finds you in good spirits.
Take care, Shawn.
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
The Batmobile
Life can be hilarious sometimes.
Tuesday was my first day back to work in four months, I was off for the winter. Going back to work came with a rush of anxiety and fear. I have a hell of a time with transitions and always plan for the worst in my head. The day before I went back I was having quite a shitty day. My mood was all over the place. Felt like I was having panic attacks. I spent part of the day sobbing like a baby. I know this sounds like a bit much but, that is where my mind takes me sometimes. Taking the car for a cross country tour sounded like a much better idea than facing going back to work.
So with all that build up, Tuesday came. Jodi had sent me an e-mail the previous night telling me that I could borrow her belief in me until I found my own. This was an amazing gesture and helped my confidence immensely. I woke up feeling not too bad about the day ahead. Had my morning coffees, walked Ollie and headed out the door for my twenty five minute drive to work.
About five minutes in to my drive, the strangest thing happened. I saw the Batmobile approaching on the opposite side of the road. That's right, I said the Batmobile. I had to take a second look to make sure I was not hallucinating but, there it was. I am not saying it was the one from the movie but, it was a Batmobile nonetheless. Pretty damn funny!
So after that, I knew that the day was going to be not too bad. I mean, how do you have a bad day after seeing a Batmobile on the way to work. I worked with my boss at his house. Their septic bed had to be replaced. Their backyard looked like a mine field. I did a lot of digging and shoveling. It was a pretty hot day for March so I worked up a good sweat. It was pretty physical work after being off for so long but, I think it went well. I have never cheated anyone when it comes to manual labor. I always work as hard as I possibly can. I ran out of steam near the end of the day but, think I did pretty well considering.
The interesting aspect of all this is that things in my life are never as bad as I imagine them to be. All that stress and anxiety for what turned out to be a really good day. I think I will attempt to take things in stride a little more often. Life is so complex at times so why waste time focusing on what "might" happen in the future and enjoying more of the journey. I will let you know how that works out for me.
I hope that if any of you are struggling on a certain day, that you too will see a Batmobile on the way to work.
Take care, Shawn.
Tuesday was my first day back to work in four months, I was off for the winter. Going back to work came with a rush of anxiety and fear. I have a hell of a time with transitions and always plan for the worst in my head. The day before I went back I was having quite a shitty day. My mood was all over the place. Felt like I was having panic attacks. I spent part of the day sobbing like a baby. I know this sounds like a bit much but, that is where my mind takes me sometimes. Taking the car for a cross country tour sounded like a much better idea than facing going back to work.
So with all that build up, Tuesday came. Jodi had sent me an e-mail the previous night telling me that I could borrow her belief in me until I found my own. This was an amazing gesture and helped my confidence immensely. I woke up feeling not too bad about the day ahead. Had my morning coffees, walked Ollie and headed out the door for my twenty five minute drive to work.
About five minutes in to my drive, the strangest thing happened. I saw the Batmobile approaching on the opposite side of the road. That's right, I said the Batmobile. I had to take a second look to make sure I was not hallucinating but, there it was. I am not saying it was the one from the movie but, it was a Batmobile nonetheless. Pretty damn funny!
So after that, I knew that the day was going to be not too bad. I mean, how do you have a bad day after seeing a Batmobile on the way to work. I worked with my boss at his house. Their septic bed had to be replaced. Their backyard looked like a mine field. I did a lot of digging and shoveling. It was a pretty hot day for March so I worked up a good sweat. It was pretty physical work after being off for so long but, I think it went well. I have never cheated anyone when it comes to manual labor. I always work as hard as I possibly can. I ran out of steam near the end of the day but, think I did pretty well considering.
The interesting aspect of all this is that things in my life are never as bad as I imagine them to be. All that stress and anxiety for what turned out to be a really good day. I think I will attempt to take things in stride a little more often. Life is so complex at times so why waste time focusing on what "might" happen in the future and enjoying more of the journey. I will let you know how that works out for me.
I hope that if any of you are struggling on a certain day, that you too will see a Batmobile on the way to work.
Take care, Shawn.
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