The last few weeks for our family have been very trying. The service for Amaya was on Tuesday and it was beautiful in every aspect. The pastor had some important words for us and it helped give me a sense of peace. Bart spoke with great courage at the service and had a touching message. There was a video montage that affected me deeply. I was trying to be strong for the visitation but, all my emotions flowed out at the service. The amount of love, strength and support that was present at the church was amazing. I will never forget Amaya and know she will always be present in my heart.
Life works in mysterious ways at times. As we were saying goodbye to Amaya, a bundle of joy was brought in to this world. I am happy to announce that Rylen Huck Amayan was born on May 21rst, 2012. Rylen is the son of my brother Ryan and his wonderful wife, Deb. He was born at almost nine pounds and apparently is a strong little fellow. His hair is a mix of Ryan's natural blonde and Deb's beautiful red hair. I cannot wait to meet him in August and hold him close. His gift of life is something that I am eternally grateful for. I hope I can be an Uncle that he can be proud of and I know Jodi will be a loving Aunt.
The last two weeks has been such a mixture of emotions. Sadness, anger, fear, joy are just a few that I have felt. I know Amaya has been looking down on me during this time as I could easily have slipped in to old patterns. This was the first time in a long time that I had a strong urge to take a drink but, I did not. I knew that was not what Amaya would have wanted and I still want to be a good role model for Elias and Rylen.
The health of my mind is remarkably strong right now. It is hard to believe where I have come from to get to this point. I still struggle but, never would have been able to cope like I have recently if this was three or four years a go. I consider myself quite fortunate and am grateful for the life I have been given.
Peace be with you.
Take care, Shawn
Saturday, 26 May 2012
Saturday, 19 May 2012
Amaya Charlotte Grace
I am writing this morning with a heavy heart. My niece Amaya was born on May 13th and sadly passed away on May 15th. She was a beautiful little girl, an angel. I am having a hard time processing it and my heart aches for Leslie, Bart and Elias. I cannot imagine the pain they have been experiencing during these last few days.
We were planning on going down to meet Amaya this weekend. I was looking forward to holding her in my arms and laying her tiny hands in mine. I take solace in the fact that her brief time on this earth was spent with such amazingly good people and a wonderful family. The unconditional love that she would have felt in her brief time with us will stay with her spirit for eternity. I know she is in a better place now but, I miss her dearly.
Sunday, 13 May 2012
Some Catching Up
Seems like it has been almost a month since I last wrote in my blog, time has been flying by of late.
The last time I wrote a blog, I had just watched a documentary called The Cove. It was about dolphin slaughters in Japan, something close to 25 000 a year. The film crew covertly made their way at night in to the cove where the slaughter was taking place and hid cameras and sound equipment. They got them on camera slaughtering these innocent dolphins in a most inhumane manner. Blood soaked the ocean water as dolphins desperately tried to avoid their ultimate fate. I guess that live dolphins are worth a lot more for shows at places like Sea World across the globe, fetching up to 150 000 dollars per. I am quite shocked and disappointed that these practices still continue today. Although whaling has been banned worldwide, the Japanese continue the practice under a scientific loop hole in the International Whaling Commissions guidelines. The Japanese also fund smaller nations in the Commission to guarantee their support in controversial matters. The most disappointing aspect of watching this documentary was that after all the risk the film makers went through to bring this matter to the world's attention, the dolphin hunt was still scheduled to proceed as usual the following year. It makes you feel helpless as an individual. If such a powerful film cannot make a difference, what can one person do. I know one thing, I will not be visiting Marineland any time soon as places such as those are part of the problem on a larger scale.
Work has surprisingly been going quite well so far. A few mental lapses here ad there but, fairly balanced for the most part. I am still trying to break the day in to small sections which has made it simpler to have positive days. Grass cutting has started which has been going smoothly so far. The grass is quite thick right now with the combination of some moisture, fertilizer and some good sun. I love cutting grass and hopefully that is what I will be doing for the majority of the time. I was helping out with an inter lock job last Friday. I was mainly hauling dirt and clay from the back yard and loading it in to the trailer which was pretty straightforward. My back and neck have been giving me some issues of late so I have to be careful how far I push myself.
Jodi has had a sinus infection for the last week or so and seems to be near the end of it. I have managed not to get it which is good as we are pretty booked up at work right now. We went to my parents to deliver breakfast for mothers day today. I was in charge of the eggs which I must say were pretty damn good. We mulched our garden yesterday and it really stands out now. It is amazing what you can accomplish in an afternoon when you put your mind to it.
Canada lost last night to the US in the Norceca Olympic qualifying tournament which was shitty news to wake up to. I really thought this would be the year they ended their Olympic drought. They have to be proud of their accomplishments over the last few years though. They did qualify for World League which is a huge step for the program in general. It actually starts this weekend in Toronto, hopefully we can get to one of the matches.
Jays have been hanging in there of late. They just need to eliminate some late game lapses and beat up on teams they should beat up on. I take back what I said about Thames going down to Vegas, I have been impressed with his play of late. I am pumped that we picked up Vlad Guerrero, to have an another experienced bat in the line up. I am really hoping they move Edwin to first, Vlad to DH and Lind out of the line up. Lind seems like a nice guy but, he is just not producing like a first base man should.
Hope this finds you well.
Happy Mothers Day!!!
Remember that although a wall may seem to high to climb in life, if you take it down one brick at a time you will be eventually be able to walk through it with ease.
The last time I wrote a blog, I had just watched a documentary called The Cove. It was about dolphin slaughters in Japan, something close to 25 000 a year. The film crew covertly made their way at night in to the cove where the slaughter was taking place and hid cameras and sound equipment. They got them on camera slaughtering these innocent dolphins in a most inhumane manner. Blood soaked the ocean water as dolphins desperately tried to avoid their ultimate fate. I guess that live dolphins are worth a lot more for shows at places like Sea World across the globe, fetching up to 150 000 dollars per. I am quite shocked and disappointed that these practices still continue today. Although whaling has been banned worldwide, the Japanese continue the practice under a scientific loop hole in the International Whaling Commissions guidelines. The Japanese also fund smaller nations in the Commission to guarantee their support in controversial matters. The most disappointing aspect of watching this documentary was that after all the risk the film makers went through to bring this matter to the world's attention, the dolphin hunt was still scheduled to proceed as usual the following year. It makes you feel helpless as an individual. If such a powerful film cannot make a difference, what can one person do. I know one thing, I will not be visiting Marineland any time soon as places such as those are part of the problem on a larger scale.
Work has surprisingly been going quite well so far. A few mental lapses here ad there but, fairly balanced for the most part. I am still trying to break the day in to small sections which has made it simpler to have positive days. Grass cutting has started which has been going smoothly so far. The grass is quite thick right now with the combination of some moisture, fertilizer and some good sun. I love cutting grass and hopefully that is what I will be doing for the majority of the time. I was helping out with an inter lock job last Friday. I was mainly hauling dirt and clay from the back yard and loading it in to the trailer which was pretty straightforward. My back and neck have been giving me some issues of late so I have to be careful how far I push myself.
Jodi has had a sinus infection for the last week or so and seems to be near the end of it. I have managed not to get it which is good as we are pretty booked up at work right now. We went to my parents to deliver breakfast for mothers day today. I was in charge of the eggs which I must say were pretty damn good. We mulched our garden yesterday and it really stands out now. It is amazing what you can accomplish in an afternoon when you put your mind to it.
Canada lost last night to the US in the Norceca Olympic qualifying tournament which was shitty news to wake up to. I really thought this would be the year they ended their Olympic drought. They have to be proud of their accomplishments over the last few years though. They did qualify for World League which is a huge step for the program in general. It actually starts this weekend in Toronto, hopefully we can get to one of the matches.
Jays have been hanging in there of late. They just need to eliminate some late game lapses and beat up on teams they should beat up on. I take back what I said about Thames going down to Vegas, I have been impressed with his play of late. I am pumped that we picked up Vlad Guerrero, to have an another experienced bat in the line up. I am really hoping they move Edwin to first, Vlad to DH and Lind out of the line up. Lind seems like a nice guy but, he is just not producing like a first base man should.
Hope this finds you well.
Happy Mothers Day!!!
Remember that although a wall may seem to high to climb in life, if you take it down one brick at a time you will be eventually be able to walk through it with ease.
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
Day Off
I had the day off today which was a nice surprise. The weather around here has been crazy the last few days. Snow, freezing rain, rain and some pretty high winds. Guess mother nature got her calendar mixed up this year.
Not really too much to write about tonight. Think I am going to stop watching the news again. It just seems that it is filled with a plethora of negativity. No wonder we stress so much about every day life with all that doom and gloom fed to us every day. I would much rather watch a good episode of Seinfeld or read some of my current book.
Watching the Jays right now. They are down 2-1 in the fifth inning. I really hope they bring Snyder back up to the bigs. Thames is just too inconsistent at the plate and is a liability defensively. Travis has been hitting well in Vegas and has a great arm.
Cannot believe that tomorrow is hump day already. Guess it helps when you miss a day but, I am not complaining. I get as many hours as most people in four days anyway so it is not much of an issue.
Ollie has seemed quite content to chew on his bone for most of the night. I am sure he enjoyed having some company during the day today.
Heading to bed soon. Will write a more in depth blog the next time out. I watched an amazing documentary a week a go that I want to touch on. Hope this finds you in good spirits. Thank you to those who have taken the time to read some of my reflections, it means a lot to me.
Keep on keepin on. Take care, Shawn.
Not really too much to write about tonight. Think I am going to stop watching the news again. It just seems that it is filled with a plethora of negativity. No wonder we stress so much about every day life with all that doom and gloom fed to us every day. I would much rather watch a good episode of Seinfeld or read some of my current book.
Watching the Jays right now. They are down 2-1 in the fifth inning. I really hope they bring Snyder back up to the bigs. Thames is just too inconsistent at the plate and is a liability defensively. Travis has been hitting well in Vegas and has a great arm.
Cannot believe that tomorrow is hump day already. Guess it helps when you miss a day but, I am not complaining. I get as many hours as most people in four days anyway so it is not much of an issue.
Ollie has seemed quite content to chew on his bone for most of the night. I am sure he enjoyed having some company during the day today.
Heading to bed soon. Will write a more in depth blog the next time out. I watched an amazing documentary a week a go that I want to touch on. Hope this finds you in good spirits. Thank you to those who have taken the time to read some of my reflections, it means a lot to me.
Keep on keepin on. Take care, Shawn.
Saturday, 21 April 2012
Addictive Nature
Bi-Polar disorder comes with an addictive nature in a lot of cases. I have definitely been affected by that aspect of the disorder.
I have been sober now for two and half years. The last drink I had was on November 2nd, 2009 which I am quite proud of. I went to self help groups for a while but, decided in the end that they were simply not for me. They are an amazing tool for those seeking sobriety. There were just some aspects that did not appeal to me.
I could not tell you one time where I sat down and had one drink. I never drank every day but, could never control the amount I consumed. I was a bad version of Frank the Tank, an animal of sorts. I am not proud of my behavior on numerous occasions and have to live with some of the decisions I made. I hurt and embarrassed a lot of people close to me when I drank and I am ashamed of that fact. I never had a filter control with alcohol. It was always drinking to the point of idiocy and poor judgement. I figure the best way I can make it up to people I affected with my drinking is making the changes I have made so far. Apologies are one thing but, actions speak far louder than words. I still need to make amends for some past mistakes but, feel I am heading in the right direction.
Gambling has also been part of my addictive exploration. I still remember the first time I gambled at the Fergus Fall Fair, betting loonies on the spinning wheel. There was a phase in college where scratch and wins were a big appeal to me. Then it moved to black jack where its grip on me took full affect. When I lived in Banff, I used to play the Video Lottery Terminals at the local pubs. There was a long time when I did not gamble at all. Then the poker craze came in to the picture. I had always played home games with buddies but, this was different. There was something about the game of poker that really appealed to me. The online poker made it that much easier to chase a fantasy existence. I was not heavy in to it until I started working as an educational assistant. I think part of the reason I became obsessed with it, was that I hated my job so much. Poker was my way out in my distorted mind. If I could only find a way to win a shit load of money, I would not have to work at a job I hated. The thing about gambling addiction is that it does not matter how much you win, it is never enough. You are always trying to find a way to lose it all, sinking in the pit that surrounds it. I have been up large sums of money, only to lose it all within a day. I cannot even comprehend how much I lost in the height of my addiction but, it affected our lives dramatically.
The funny thing about those commercials for poker sites on television is the story they sell you. They make it appear that there is some dream world with poker just waiting for you which is far from the truth. They seem to leave out the broken families, the 2nd mortgages taken out, not having money for bills, the lies and the utter shame that comes with it. Guess that is not good for their image. I knew a girl once that had a goal of getting to a 100,000 dollars and then getting out of the game. She did business with a bookie and was up to something close to 90,000 dollars. She ended up losing it all and then owing 30 000 to the bookie. The thing about it is that it would not have mattered if she had got to the 100 grand mark, she would not have stopped. That money would have just fueled her addiction and she would have lost it at some point. I consider myself quite lucky in a way, I have heard some pretty devastating stories of those impacted by gambling. Gambling addiction has one of the highest suicide rates which is sad but, true fact.
Although addictive nature is an aspect of bi-polar disorder, I have never once used that as an excuse for my decisions. I will never say that I was not responsible for my actions because I have a mental disorder. It is certainly not easy dealing with the complexities of the disorder but, I will not use it as a scapegoat. The positive aspect of all of this is that I have learned more about myself in 36 years than a lot of people do in a life time. I have fallen down a plethora of stairs in my day but, I am now finding ways to climb back up those same stairs. One step at a time.
Work is going well these days. Spring clean ups are almost finished and grass cutting will start in a week which I am excited about. We are going to see one of my co-workers speak at church tomorrow which will be nice.
Have a relaxing weekend. Take care, Shawn.
I have been sober now for two and half years. The last drink I had was on November 2nd, 2009 which I am quite proud of. I went to self help groups for a while but, decided in the end that they were simply not for me. They are an amazing tool for those seeking sobriety. There were just some aspects that did not appeal to me.
I could not tell you one time where I sat down and had one drink. I never drank every day but, could never control the amount I consumed. I was a bad version of Frank the Tank, an animal of sorts. I am not proud of my behavior on numerous occasions and have to live with some of the decisions I made. I hurt and embarrassed a lot of people close to me when I drank and I am ashamed of that fact. I never had a filter control with alcohol. It was always drinking to the point of idiocy and poor judgement. I figure the best way I can make it up to people I affected with my drinking is making the changes I have made so far. Apologies are one thing but, actions speak far louder than words. I still need to make amends for some past mistakes but, feel I am heading in the right direction.
Gambling has also been part of my addictive exploration. I still remember the first time I gambled at the Fergus Fall Fair, betting loonies on the spinning wheel. There was a phase in college where scratch and wins were a big appeal to me. Then it moved to black jack where its grip on me took full affect. When I lived in Banff, I used to play the Video Lottery Terminals at the local pubs. There was a long time when I did not gamble at all. Then the poker craze came in to the picture. I had always played home games with buddies but, this was different. There was something about the game of poker that really appealed to me. The online poker made it that much easier to chase a fantasy existence. I was not heavy in to it until I started working as an educational assistant. I think part of the reason I became obsessed with it, was that I hated my job so much. Poker was my way out in my distorted mind. If I could only find a way to win a shit load of money, I would not have to work at a job I hated. The thing about gambling addiction is that it does not matter how much you win, it is never enough. You are always trying to find a way to lose it all, sinking in the pit that surrounds it. I have been up large sums of money, only to lose it all within a day. I cannot even comprehend how much I lost in the height of my addiction but, it affected our lives dramatically.
The funny thing about those commercials for poker sites on television is the story they sell you. They make it appear that there is some dream world with poker just waiting for you which is far from the truth. They seem to leave out the broken families, the 2nd mortgages taken out, not having money for bills, the lies and the utter shame that comes with it. Guess that is not good for their image. I knew a girl once that had a goal of getting to a 100,000 dollars and then getting out of the game. She did business with a bookie and was up to something close to 90,000 dollars. She ended up losing it all and then owing 30 000 to the bookie. The thing about it is that it would not have mattered if she had got to the 100 grand mark, she would not have stopped. That money would have just fueled her addiction and she would have lost it at some point. I consider myself quite lucky in a way, I have heard some pretty devastating stories of those impacted by gambling. Gambling addiction has one of the highest suicide rates which is sad but, true fact.
Although addictive nature is an aspect of bi-polar disorder, I have never once used that as an excuse for my decisions. I will never say that I was not responsible for my actions because I have a mental disorder. It is certainly not easy dealing with the complexities of the disorder but, I will not use it as a scapegoat. The positive aspect of all of this is that I have learned more about myself in 36 years than a lot of people do in a life time. I have fallen down a plethora of stairs in my day but, I am now finding ways to climb back up those same stairs. One step at a time.
Work is going well these days. Spring clean ups are almost finished and grass cutting will start in a week which I am excited about. We are going to see one of my co-workers speak at church tomorrow which will be nice.
Have a relaxing weekend. Take care, Shawn.
Saturday, 14 April 2012
A Relaxing Day
It is an over cast day here so we are taking some time to relax and catch up on some laundry. The Jays play at 4:00 so the dogs are ready to throw on the barbecue. Jodi and I make an effort to watch all their games. I am so excited about the team this year. I love their line up from top to bottom. We just need to get the pitching sorted out and this year the Jays might be in the mix come October.
Work is going really well to date which is a positive sign. Still taking the time to break up day in to segments. We worked 50 hours this week which is draining but, quite rewarding. It is amazing how much work Smitty and I get done in a week. We get in such a good rhythm, pushing ourselves to do the work efficiently. We miss some things but, I am proud of the work we do. Grass cutting is right around the corner which I looking forward to as I take great pride in my lines.
I went to see our adopted grandmother today, June. She has not been in the best health of late and it was nice to have a visit. I brought Ollie along to say hello. June has always loved pets and I think she really enjoys when I bring him. She is 90 year old, quite amazing. I was looking at her hands today and realized how much wisdom was in them. She has experienced so many transitions in our history. She is a kind and gentle soul and am glad she has been part of our family for so long.
Ollie turns two tomorrow. We have to get him some treats and maybe a new toy to celebrate. He is growing up so fast. He is still a bit of a monkey but, it is hard not to love our boy. I wish I could communicate to him somehow the impact he has had on me. His unconditional love has attributed to my growth as a person.
Hope this finds you in good spirits. Remember that even the longest and darkest tunnel will have light at the end of it. Take care.
Go Jays Go!!!!!!!!
Work is going really well to date which is a positive sign. Still taking the time to break up day in to segments. We worked 50 hours this week which is draining but, quite rewarding. It is amazing how much work Smitty and I get done in a week. We get in such a good rhythm, pushing ourselves to do the work efficiently. We miss some things but, I am proud of the work we do. Grass cutting is right around the corner which I looking forward to as I take great pride in my lines.
I went to see our adopted grandmother today, June. She has not been in the best health of late and it was nice to have a visit. I brought Ollie along to say hello. June has always loved pets and I think she really enjoys when I bring him. She is 90 year old, quite amazing. I was looking at her hands today and realized how much wisdom was in them. She has experienced so many transitions in our history. She is a kind and gentle soul and am glad she has been part of our family for so long.
Ollie turns two tomorrow. We have to get him some treats and maybe a new toy to celebrate. He is growing up so fast. He is still a bit of a monkey but, it is hard not to love our boy. I wish I could communicate to him somehow the impact he has had on me. His unconditional love has attributed to my growth as a person.
Hope this finds you in good spirits. Remember that even the longest and darkest tunnel will have light at the end of it. Take care.
Go Jays Go!!!!!!!!
Wednesday, 4 April 2012
Easter is Upon Us
Just going to be a short blog tonight as I am physically drained.
Week number two is almost done. We have Friday off this week for Easter which will be nice break.
I have been doing well mentally for the most part. A few moments here and there but, fairly balanced all around. Just taking it minute by minute, one step at a time.
We have been doing spring clean ups, tree work and digging out some plants. I enjoy spring clean ups. It is nice to shape the landscape of some pretty high end properties and make them look sharp for the upcoming season. I would be content with clean ups, grass cutting and summer pruning. I do not enjoy tree work as much simply because I feel a bit lost. I mostly feel that I am in the way and am not confident with the whole process. Guess that is just something I will get more comfortable with in time.
We are getting together as a family on Saturday which will be great. I always enjoy catching up on everyone's lives. I wish Ryan and Deb were here for Easter too but, look forward to seeing them in August. My dad turns 65 in April which is exciting for our family. My dad has been a constant support in my life for the last while and I really appreciate it. He is always there to listen and pass on some words of encouragement.
Hope you have a fulfilling Easter this year.
Take care, Shawn.
Week number two is almost done. We have Friday off this week for Easter which will be nice break.
I have been doing well mentally for the most part. A few moments here and there but, fairly balanced all around. Just taking it minute by minute, one step at a time.
We have been doing spring clean ups, tree work and digging out some plants. I enjoy spring clean ups. It is nice to shape the landscape of some pretty high end properties and make them look sharp for the upcoming season. I would be content with clean ups, grass cutting and summer pruning. I do not enjoy tree work as much simply because I feel a bit lost. I mostly feel that I am in the way and am not confident with the whole process. Guess that is just something I will get more comfortable with in time.
We are getting together as a family on Saturday which will be great. I always enjoy catching up on everyone's lives. I wish Ryan and Deb were here for Easter too but, look forward to seeing them in August. My dad turns 65 in April which is exciting for our family. My dad has been a constant support in my life for the last while and I really appreciate it. He is always there to listen and pass on some words of encouragement.
Hope you have a fulfilling Easter this year.
Take care, Shawn.
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