Better Day

I had a much better day today.  I was busier which really helped me focus on tasks, rather than on my mood.  I had a physio appointment to have my left hip looked at from my fall at the airport.  Then I had some painting to do at my parents.  My dad and I made quick work of the basement ceiling and then I had a nice lunch and coffee with my folks.  I took Ollie for a play at the arena and really enjoyed the fresh air.  Jodi worked out after school so I did not get to see her until five thirty.  I had gotten used to her being around for the last few weeks.  As I mentioned in an earlier blog,  I have trouble with transitions so getting used to her being a way again will take some time.  I did not work out today but, will head back tomorrow.  Just wanted to give my body a chance to recoup.  All things considered,  I have a fairly balanced and productive day.

I am going to the Ontario Landscape Convention tomorrow in Toronto.  I went last year and am looking forward to checking out some of the latest landscape products on the market.  I am picking up Heather, whom I work with, in the morning and we are heading down.  I am anxious to catch up with her and hear how her holidays went.  Heather is an amazing person and I am thankful I have gotten to work with her the last few years.  We have a lot in common and she is easy to talk to.  My boss and Sheldon are going too and it should be a good day.  Is nice to have plans for the day too,  a day trip is just what I need right now.

I realized this afternoon that I had not brushed my teeth in a few days.  It reminded me of my deep depression days.  I know I have mentioned the "downzies" before but,  have never really discussed my deep bouts of depression.  They would last weeks or even months.  I may not brush my teeth for a week.  I would go days without showering as I simply did not care about my appearance.  I would lay in bed for the whole day hoping that it would end soon so I could go back to sleep.  I would cry with great intensity and ask why? to whatever higher power might be listening.  I did not want to see anyone.  I did not want to answer the phone.  I was miserable to be around and I give Jodi a lot of praise for being able to push through with my negative energy surrounding us. I did not exercise and allowed myself to get out of shape.  I simply did not care about anything and my mind would constantly let me know that there was easier ways out of life.  I do not miss the deep depression one bit.  I have the "downzies" still but,  they do not typically last for a long period of time anymore.  I mentioned yesterday that I was contemplating about where my life had taken me.  I realize in this moment that I have come so far and do not give myself enough credit.  I look at where I was five years a go and where I am now and the difference in my mentality is incredible.  Back then,  I hated getting up to face the day.  I still struggle now but,  I am not afraid to push myself a little.  I still have so far to go and want to rectify the cycle that seems to envelop me every year.  Maybe I am not where I thought I would be but,  it does not really matter.  I am here now and have a story to tell to others.  The struggles of the last twenty years would be irrelevant if I was not able to help others in some shape or form.  I really hope I get a chance to speak to groups or young people.  This blog is just a small step and I am thankful for it.

I am ready for a good sleep now.  Hope this finds you well.  Take care and thanks for listening,  Shawn.

Sharing pain is sharing hope.