Thinking Aloud

I would say my day was lacking in motivation although, I did make it to the gym again.  It was a mope around day and I was thinking about the things I could have done differently in life.  Seems like a depressing way to spend a Monday but,  that is where I was at.  I am not dissatisfied with how far I have come in my journey but, I have been reflecting about the road I traveled to get here. I guess it is a natural thing to ponder as my birthday is fast approaching.  I would never imagined that I would be where I am at 37 years old.  I guess I never thought I would be anywhere really.  I suppose I had dreamed of a career in teaching, owning a house and perhaps some kids.  My mind had other objectives for me though,  always pulling me in different directions.  I have always lacked focus, drive and the ability to follow through on things.

I look at my high school friends and where they are at in their own lives and I am jealous in a way.  I see what they have accomplished in their careers, finances and families.  They deserve every bit of success and have worked hard for it.  I just wish at times that I had been able to follow in their foot steps.

I am not complaining at all,  just thinking aloud.  I have so many things to be grateful for.  I have a wonderful wife and a loving dog.  I have great family and friends.  I have people that care about me and that are proud of me.  My disorder is a selfish one at times and often I can only see how the world affects me directly.  I have a hard time breaking out of the bubble I find myself in at times.  I find it more difficult in the winter as A) am not working B) have too much time on my hands and
 C) am essentially lonely .  These are just facts of life for the profession I find myself in at the moment.  If we got some steady snow falls,  then I would be plowing and focused on that.  I am disappointed in myself for not looking in to going back to school in January.  Would have given me some good direction and perhaps enhance my opportunities down the road.

I am heading to bed now to watch some Seinfeld.  Always a good way to end the day,  Kramer is hilarious.

Take care,  Shawn.

Self pity gets in the way of self worth.