Happy Friday

The last few weeks have been challenging in many respects for me but,  I am really looking forward to the holidays.  Jodi is off work now for two weeks and we leave Tuesday for Florida and Christmas with Bernie and Karen.  The weather in Florida looks amazing for the time we are there and I believe the sun will benefit me greatly.  My last vacation did not go as well as I would have liked, so I am eager to have a positive experience this time around.

I drove through Tim's last night and the Christmas spirit was in full affect.  Apparently, the previous twenty five people had either paid for or made some contribution for the person behind them.  Paying it forward at a Tim's is an easy way to make someone's day.

Winter is here and we have had a fair amount of snow in comparison to the last few years.  I have spent some time shoveling and using my parents snow blower at their place.  I mentioned paying it forward and I do my best to shovel and/or snow blow our neighbor's driveway and the driveways of my parents neighbor's.  It is great exercise for me and I have the time to do it now.  It makes me feel good inside and I am sure they appreciate coming home to a clean driveway.

Last year, I read a book called Cycling Home from Siberia: 30 000 miles, 3 years, 1 bicycle by Rob Lilwall.  I mentioned it in a blog and the positive impact it had on me.  I am pleased to announce that he has another book coming out in Canada in the new year called Walking Home From Mongolia.  Rob walked home from Mongolia and I cannot wait to hear of his adventures along the way.  He is an excellent writer and makes you feel as you are on the journey with him.  I wrote him after his last book and he was kind enough to respond to me.  I believe he even took a peek at my blog which was nice to hear.  I have never met him in person and probably never will but, he seems like someone I would get along with quite well.

2014 is right around the corner and I am cautiously optimistic about what the new year will bring.  I have come to accept that I will always have to push through certain things in life.  I saw Dr. Otto this week to get a new prescription for my medications as the refills had run out.  He is an amazing doctor and has been a big part of helping me get to some sort of stability.  He has been so good to our family and I am truly thankful for his professionalism and kindness.  I mentioned to him that I was worried I would just be fighting obstacles my whole life and that worried me.  He told me that I do not give myself enough credit for what I have accomplished so far in life.   I do have trouble looking at aspects of success in my life.  I often block those out and focus solely on disappointments and failures.  This inhibits me from breaking the cycle that I seem to go through every year. I need to start realizing that I have succeeded and need to start patting myself on the back more often.  I know I will always struggle with a variety of thoughts and emotions but, I have managed to make it this far.

Jodi mentioned to me once that my choice was simple. She said I could either live or die. This was after a conversation where I mentioned I was having some some suicidal thoughts.  .  I tried to explain to her that it wasn't such a an easy decision,  that there was a lot more to it than that.  When I really think about it though,  it can be that simple.  There is no point in simply passing time on earth until my time here is done.  I might as well do my best to continue living it and make some sort of positive contribution to the world.  I have a wonderful wife,  a great companion in Ollie, amazing family and good friends.  I also have nieces and nephews I want to see grow up and be a great uncle to.  That is a lot to live for and I need to remind myself of that when my thoughts seem to drift towards giving up.

Tonight I feel good and am looking forward to spending the night at home.  I hope you have a good weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.

“Bipolar robs you of that which is you. It can take from you the very core of your being and replace it with something that is completely opposite of who and what you truly are. Because my bipolar went untreated for so long, I spent many years looking in the mirror and seeing a person I did not recognize or understand. Not only did bipolar rob me of my sanity, but it robbed me of my ability to see beyond the space it dictated me to look. I no longer could tell reality from fantasy, and I walked in a world no longer my own.”
― Alyssa Reyans, Letters from a Bipolar Mother

Better Day

Today I woke up feeling much better.  The downzies seem to have subsided for now and I had a fresh outlook on things.  I was spending too much time feeling sorry for myself and letting my thoughts control my mood.  I was not being proactive and reaching out to people close to me.  I was isolating myself and allowing the depression and sadness to envelop me in my little cocoon.

I was watching the news this morning and it appears as though Canada Post will be laying off a fair number of employees in the next year.  It made me realize how fortunate I was to be able to work as much as I do in a year.  Employment opportunities seem to have diminished drastically over the last few years and jobs are hard to come by.  I am still not sure what I will do in the future but, I am thankful for work I have been fortunate to have over the last few years.

I do not have too much to write about tonight.  Just kind of checking in I guess.  I am feeling more positive and really enjoyed spending today with Ollie.  I had a chance to have a coffee with my dad and that really picked me up as well.

Leslie, Bart, Elias and Micah are in the air now on their way to Australia for a visit.  Wishing them safe travels and hope they have an amazing time.

Take care,  Shawn.

“The only person who can pull me down is myself, and I'm not going to let myself pull me down anymore.”
― C. JoyBell C.

Sadness

Today, I had a profound sense of sadness.  Part of what I experience during depressive episodes is sadness.  I spent part of the afternoon crying in bed, hiding a way from the world.  I asked God why he simply would not take me a way as I did not feel like fighting anymore.

I do not share this to create worry but, more to educate others how depression can affect the psyche of individuals.  Deep depression and extreme sadness is debilitating.  It saps the energy from you.  I had no interest in doing anything or talking to anyone.  I had to force myself simply to brush my teeth.  The depression started yesterday and continued through today.  Jodi was around yesterday but, worked today.  I think facing the day by myself made it more difficult.  I need to reach out when I have days like this but, honestly felt like embracing the misery alone.

I did feel better this afternoon and was thankful to see Jodi when she got home from school.  Ollie was a good form of comfort today and I made myself take him for a play and get some fresh air.  I decided to write tonight and am already feeling relieved in a way.  There is something about sharing on this blog that helps me process my thoughts a little easier.

I remember when I worked for the school board.  Every day for the last year there was like today.  I hated waking up in the morning and making that ten minute walk to school.  It had nothing to do with working with the kids, which whom I loved being around.  It was all the other bull shit that really got to me.  I was good with the kids but, could not handle the social dynamics with the adults in the room.  Every day became increasingly more difficult and the depression rooted itself deeper within me.  I turned to alcohol and gambling as a way of comping.  Thinking they would somehow lessen the absence of joy in my life.

This always tends to be a tough time of year for me.  Bills do not stop simply because I am done work and EI does not come through for another few weeks.  The government also takes off vacation pay from your first payment which is not fair if you ask me.  I earned that vacation pay and the government already does not pay you for the first two weeks of being off.  I may have to look at getting year round employment as it may help me feel more valuable to Jodi and Ollie.  

I am thankful for life and know this too shall pass eventually.  I am also thankful that my depressive episodes only seem to last a minimal amount of time instead of weeks and months at a time.  I am going to make a list for myself tomorrow to help me start the day in more of a positive mind frame.  I will start with taking Ollie for a long walk on the trail.  Exercise always seems to help.  I need to find a good book for myself to read.  Reading has always been good therapy for me.  When I read,  my mind can focus on the story and not the bull shit thoughts that cross my mind.

I have been through worse days and have come through.  Just have to remember how far I have come and not forget all the positive aspects of my life.  Depression pushes the positive out and sucks the negative in.  All I need to remember is that I have people who love me for the person I am.

Have a good night.  Take care,  Shawn.

Keep fighting the good fight.  Live, Laugh, Love.

Pride

I did it.  I made it through the grind of another eight month landscaping season.  I am so proud of myself that I pushed through till the end despite some intense challenges along the way.  It would have been easy for me to give up but, I fought through adversity and made it to the finish line.  I almost did not even make it through July.  The trip to Dominican was the worst I felt mentally all year and I was not sure if I would be able to continue with work or life for that matter.  Somehow I found it within myself to show up for work on that Monday and do the best I could to navigate the darkness in my mind.

It was definitely a draining year physically and mentally.  It can be very stressful at times and I am thankful I had some good people to work with in Heather, Ryan, Jessie and Paul to help me through.  We helped each other and could lean on one another when things really became really difficult.  The amount of jobs we finished with such a small crew astounds me.  The customers we worked for definitely got their monies worth from us.  Our work ethic and attention to detail would rival any company and I am so proud what the five of us accomplished this year. 

I am proud that I was able to succeed in a leadership role and lead by example.  Although I struggled at first with it,  I learned that leadership is something that I excel at.  The key for me was having patience.  Patience is so important in many aspects of life.  I gave individuals time to learn the ins and outs of our daily routines and I always tried to be there to help point them in the right direction.  The other key to building a good team atmosphere was constantly praising the efforts of others.  Giving positive feedback is so key to team success.  Positive comments should always outweigh negative ones and I made sure that was the case. 

I have been enjoying my time off with Ollie and am looking forward to our trip to visit Jodi's parents in Florida for Christmas.  I am not sure what my future holds but,  I am not going to worry about that right now.  I have a lot of things to think about in the upcoming months and will struggle with any decision I make.  I just need to enjoy the time I have now and take my time in deciding what the best course of action would be for me and our family.

I have been doing fairly well mentally for the first few weeks of being off.  I struggled a bit today and cried for the first time in a while.  Part of it was just being overtired as we have stayed up far too late the last few nights.  I was just thinking today about  how hard I fight to push through a year and it scared me to think of continually fighting that battle for the rest of my life.  I am just afraid of going in the same circle continuously for years to come.  I had one afternoon last week when my mind raced at lightning speed.  I was trying to take a nap and simply could not stop it racing.  It is hard to explain and I wish there was some way to describe it that made sense.  Just think of a spinning top and imagine thoughts going through your mind at that speed.

Looking forward to watching the Saints redeem themselves tonight against the Panthers which will be a tough challenge.  Should be a great game to watch whatever the outcome.

Hope this finds you well.  Take care,  Shawn.

Believe in the impossible.