Happy Friday

The last few weeks have been challenging in many respects for me but,  I am really looking forward to the holidays.  Jodi is off work now for two weeks and we leave Tuesday for Florida and Christmas with Bernie and Karen.  The weather in Florida looks amazing for the time we are there and I believe the sun will benefit me greatly.  My last vacation did not go as well as I would have liked, so I am eager to have a positive experience this time around.

I drove through Tim's last night and the Christmas spirit was in full affect.  Apparently, the previous twenty five people had either paid for or made some contribution for the person behind them.  Paying it forward at a Tim's is an easy way to make someone's day.

Winter is here and we have had a fair amount of snow in comparison to the last few years.  I have spent some time shoveling and using my parents snow blower at their place.  I mentioned paying it forward and I do my best to shovel and/or snow blow our neighbor's driveway and the driveways of my parents neighbor's.  It is great exercise for me and I have the time to do it now.  It makes me feel good inside and I am sure they appreciate coming home to a clean driveway.

Last year, I read a book called Cycling Home from Siberia: 30 000 miles, 3 years, 1 bicycle by Rob Lilwall.  I mentioned it in a blog and the positive impact it had on me.  I am pleased to announce that he has another book coming out in Canada in the new year called Walking Home From Mongolia.  Rob walked home from Mongolia and I cannot wait to hear of his adventures along the way.  He is an excellent writer and makes you feel as you are on the journey with him.  I wrote him after his last book and he was kind enough to respond to me.  I believe he even took a peek at my blog which was nice to hear.  I have never met him in person and probably never will but, he seems like someone I would get along with quite well.

2014 is right around the corner and I am cautiously optimistic about what the new year will bring.  I have come to accept that I will always have to push through certain things in life.  I saw Dr. Otto this week to get a new prescription for my medications as the refills had run out.  He is an amazing doctor and has been a big part of helping me get to some sort of stability.  He has been so good to our family and I am truly thankful for his professionalism and kindness.  I mentioned to him that I was worried I would just be fighting obstacles my whole life and that worried me.  He told me that I do not give myself enough credit for what I have accomplished so far in life.   I do have trouble looking at aspects of success in my life.  I often block those out and focus solely on disappointments and failures.  This inhibits me from breaking the cycle that I seem to go through every year. I need to start realizing that I have succeeded and need to start patting myself on the back more often.  I know I will always struggle with a variety of thoughts and emotions but, I have managed to make it this far.

Jodi mentioned to me once that my choice was simple. She said I could either live or die. This was after a conversation where I mentioned I was having some some suicidal thoughts.  .  I tried to explain to her that it wasn't such a an easy decision,  that there was a lot more to it than that.  When I really think about it though,  it can be that simple.  There is no point in simply passing time on earth until my time here is done.  I might as well do my best to continue living it and make some sort of positive contribution to the world.  I have a wonderful wife,  a great companion in Ollie, amazing family and good friends.  I also have nieces and nephews I want to see grow up and be a great uncle to.  That is a lot to live for and I need to remind myself of that when my thoughts seem to drift towards giving up.

Tonight I feel good and am looking forward to spending the night at home.  I hope you have a good weekend.  Take care,  Shawn.

“Bipolar robs you of that which is you. It can take from you the very core of your being and replace it with something that is completely opposite of who and what you truly are. Because my bipolar went untreated for so long, I spent many years looking in the mirror and seeing a person I did not recognize or understand. Not only did bipolar rob me of my sanity, but it robbed me of my ability to see beyond the space it dictated me to look. I no longer could tell reality from fantasy, and I walked in a world no longer my own.”
― Alyssa Reyans, Letters from a Bipolar Mother