Sadness

Today, I had a profound sense of sadness.  Part of what I experience during depressive episodes is sadness.  I spent part of the afternoon crying in bed, hiding a way from the world.  I asked God why he simply would not take me a way as I did not feel like fighting anymore.

I do not share this to create worry but, more to educate others how depression can affect the psyche of individuals.  Deep depression and extreme sadness is debilitating.  It saps the energy from you.  I had no interest in doing anything or talking to anyone.  I had to force myself simply to brush my teeth.  The depression started yesterday and continued through today.  Jodi was around yesterday but, worked today.  I think facing the day by myself made it more difficult.  I need to reach out when I have days like this but, honestly felt like embracing the misery alone.

I did feel better this afternoon and was thankful to see Jodi when she got home from school.  Ollie was a good form of comfort today and I made myself take him for a play and get some fresh air.  I decided to write tonight and am already feeling relieved in a way.  There is something about sharing on this blog that helps me process my thoughts a little easier.

I remember when I worked for the school board.  Every day for the last year there was like today.  I hated waking up in the morning and making that ten minute walk to school.  It had nothing to do with working with the kids, which whom I loved being around.  It was all the other bull shit that really got to me.  I was good with the kids but, could not handle the social dynamics with the adults in the room.  Every day became increasingly more difficult and the depression rooted itself deeper within me.  I turned to alcohol and gambling as a way of comping.  Thinking they would somehow lessen the absence of joy in my life.

This always tends to be a tough time of year for me.  Bills do not stop simply because I am done work and EI does not come through for another few weeks.  The government also takes off vacation pay from your first payment which is not fair if you ask me.  I earned that vacation pay and the government already does not pay you for the first two weeks of being off.  I may have to look at getting year round employment as it may help me feel more valuable to Jodi and Ollie.  

I am thankful for life and know this too shall pass eventually.  I am also thankful that my depressive episodes only seem to last a minimal amount of time instead of weeks and months at a time.  I am going to make a list for myself tomorrow to help me start the day in more of a positive mind frame.  I will start with taking Ollie for a long walk on the trail.  Exercise always seems to help.  I need to find a good book for myself to read.  Reading has always been good therapy for me.  When I read,  my mind can focus on the story and not the bull shit thoughts that cross my mind.

I have been through worse days and have come through.  Just have to remember how far I have come and not forget all the positive aspects of my life.  Depression pushes the positive out and sucks the negative in.  All I need to remember is that I have people who love me for the person I am.

Have a good night.  Take care,  Shawn.

Keep fighting the good fight.  Live, Laugh, Love.