Tired

I cried yesterday.  I cried today.  I am tired of crying.

I have been having a very difficult time of late.  My mind has been racing a lot, have been feeling low and suicidal thoughts have been rampant.

I have really been struggling with what to do in the spring.  I have begun the process of upgrading my license to a DZ.  I am done the in class and went to take my learners today in Guelph.  In order to get a learners, I had to get a physical yesterday which is part of the reason I cried yesterday.  I was already having a tough time mentally and my physical just added to the anguish in my mind.  My physical was going really well and then my doctor came to the part on the form regarding neurological and substance abuse.  He had to fill in that I had bi-polar two and that I have had issues with alcohol even though I have been sober for over four years.  I had never really thought about those things being an issue for the upgrade of my license so it caught me off guard.  It really threw me off and I broke down crying after I left my parents place.

Today I woke up feeling a little better and was excited to take my learners.  There was some apprehension as I had a gut feeling that the bi-polar and the alcohol on the form may be an issue.  I took up my form and the lady at the counter and waited for my test.  I knew I was in trouble when she started taking second and third glances at my form and she proceeded to take it to her supervisor.  She informed me that my medical would have to be sent a way to be processed due to the bi-polar and alcohol.  She said it would take at least two weeks.  They won't even call me when it is done,  I have to drive down to Guelph just to check if it has come back from the ministry.  Needless to say, I was not too happy.  All she told me is that there was nothing she could do.  I stormed out of the drive test center muttering profanities as I left.  I started crying again on the way home.

Now I understand she was just doing her job but, that doesn't make it easier for me to digest.  I am just trying to do something that would allow me to support my family better in the future.  I have been driving with a G license for over twenty years.  I have a clean drivers abstract.  The fact that I have a mental disorder does not diminish my ability to be a good driver.  And alcohol is a non-issue in my life at this point and I have no plans to change that.  If my medical does not get passed,  I believe I will be making some calls to the human rights commission.  I should have called the human rights commission when I had issues with the school board and I will not stand silent again this time around.

So needless to say,  it has been a shitty few weeks.  Now I cannot book my in truck lessons till at least the end of February if my medical is actually cleared.  That means I will probably not get my license till the end of March which is cutting it close with the upcoming spring.

I was having difficulty deciding what to do.  Perhaps this will make it easier for me to decide.  I love landscaping and I am good at what I do.  I still have lots to learn but, it is something I have excelled at over the last few years.  I know the challenges that would face me if I go back and most of them are in my head.  It literally takes a lot of blood, sweat and tears for me to get through a season.  I just have to decide if I am strong enough to push through another eight months.  There is also the possibility of becoming a driver, assuming the crap with my medical gets sorted out.  I can make more money and work year round which would help Jodi and I a lot.  There would be positives and negatives with driving to.  I have just been having a really difficult time deciding what the best thing for me to do is.  I have been torn in so many different directions.  Ultimately, I have to go with what my heart tells me and stand by whatever decision I make.  If I stay with landscaping,  I will try to be the best damn landscaper I can be.  If I decide to become a driver,  I will work hard to be one of the most efficient drivers on the road.

The other thing that has been weighing on my mind is the house we are living in.  There is a very good chance we will have to move out as the owners want to sell sometime soon.  I wish we were in a position to buy it as I know Jodi really wants to own a house.  She deserves a house and it kills me I have not been able to provide that for her. 

I don't have any uplifting words of wisdom today.  Just trying to get through the day.

Take care,  Shawn.