Great Day

I have been contemplating taking my DZ license for quite a while now and the first thing I did when I got up was make some inquiries.  I found a four week course at Humber College and there happens to be a course starting next week.  The cost is high but, I will have some much needed help in order to cover those costs.  I just need to do it and stop just thinking about it.  I may end up staying in the landscaping industry but, it would be another positive thing on my resume.  It may open up some year round opportunities or enable me to drive snow plows during the winter when I am off.  I realized the other day that I need to start making my own opportunities and stop waiting for them to happen.  I need to start putting some of my ideas in motion and work towards goals for myself.

Today was a really good day.  It was one of the best days I have had in the last few months.  Not only did I finally take some steps towards my DZ but, had my best work out of the year.  My body had finally recovered from the tree work so I was able to push myself a little harder.  My left bicep still bothers me from the summer at times but, it is manageable.

My mind was clear and my thoughts were at rest.  Just a nice, relaxing and positive day.  I need to appreciate these days as who knows what tomorrow will bring.  I was able to look ahead to the next few months with enthusiasm and not obsess over negative outcomes.  When I have days like these, it makes me forget my bi-polar disorder.  It allows me to focus on constructive thoughts and not the other shit my mind deals with.  I know the disorder is right below the surface so I need to remain proactive even on good days.  My physician always warns me to pay even closer attention when I am feeling really good.

I was talking to my sister the other day to catch up a bit.  They are busy with many things and Bart even has put in an ice rink.  Can't wait to try it out.  Les was asking how I was doing and I explained that I had a few off days in the week but, not too bad.  What I have realized now is that the good days have come full circle and have definitely outweighed the bad ones over the last few years.  If you had asked me averages five years a go, it would have been 75% down/depressed days and 25% good ones.  Now I would say those percentages are the complete opposite with 75% good days and 25% down/depressed days.  So I have come a long way and need to remember that when I am thinking negatively about myself.

The other thing I have realized is that bouts of depression last smaller duration's of time.  Sometimes even lasting just a few hours and not an entire day.  I can remember when deep depressive episodes could last days, weeks and even months.  Those were times I could soon forget and am happy to be making some strides to more consistent mental stability.

As I have mentioned in earlier blogs,  I try to find good things to look forward too.  When I have positive things to look forwards to, it helps me push through the days I struggle.  I have forgotten to do this recently and need to start applying it more often.  So the positive things I am looking forward to in the next while are; My Sister's Birthday, Valentines Day and of course, the Super Bowl.  It may seem like a silly strategy but, it has helped me in some of my lowest moments.

I was pleased to receive an e-mail back from Wendy Williamson, the Author of I'm Not Crazy Just Bipolar.  I wrote her yesterday to thank her for writing her book and that I really enjoyed it.  She is in the process of writing again so I was thankful that she took the time to write.  I will definitely check out any of her future literary endeavors.

Ready for a relaxing night at home.  Maybe watch some college hoops.  Jodi is trying to do some report cards so I envision a coffee run soon.

Take care,  Shawn.



 “One of the things that baffles me (and there are quite a few) is how there can be so much lingering stigma with regards to mental illness, specifically bipolar disorder. In my opinion, living with manic depression takes a tremendous amount of balls. Not unlike a tour of Afghanistan (though the bombs and bullets, in this case, come from the inside). At times, being bipolar can be an all-consuming challenge, requiring a lot of stamina and even more courage, so if you're living with this illness and functioning at all, it's something to be proud of, not ashamed of.
They should issue medals along with the steady stream of medication.”
― Carrie Fisher, Wishful Drinking