Got Through

I was not happy today.  I was not sad.  I just was. My mind was numb. All I wanted to do was get through the day and do the best job I could.

We were talked to this morning about Monday.  I understood everything that was said to us and it was very fair.  Part of me is just pissed at myself as I should have known better.  I had a gut feeling we should have stuck it out and I should have listened to my gut.  All the talk of the big system moving in that morning and Jesse telling me how bad the forecast was looking shook me.  I walked in on Monday not even thinking about weather and I let that talk of forecasts affect my judgement.  I am paid to be lead hand and use my head.  I should have taken a moment and played the record out before making a decision.  I should have waited it out and then made the decision at that point.  I hope I never have to make a call like that again this year but, I will definitely not make it lightly in the future.

I thought of being an arborist in the future but, no thanks.  If I never cut up a fuckin tree after this month, I will be a happy camper.  The amount of damage that storm did in the winter is incredible.  Crews around Ontario will still be cleaning it up for months to come.  We should be well in to spring clean ups but, are still cutting and chipping.  Just gets demoralizing after a while and stress and tension build up a bit.  I know we will get through it somehow as a team but, can be frustrating at times for all of us.  And to top it all off,  the tractor is leaking diesel fuel.

As I have written the last few days,  I have not been feeling too well mentally.  Today was good for me to show myself that I am strong enough.  I have certainly felt a lot worse in the last few years and have managed to get through those challenges.  I cried for the first time yesterday in a while.  It was kind of cathartic in a way though, good to let emotion out sometimes.  I also spent some time cursing at the universe in my car.  Was just frustrated with my mind.  I did go to my mood disorders group last night which helped a bit.  I really enjoy going to that group and I hope I can make it a few times during the summer.  Even just sharing my thoughts for a couple minutes with them elevated my mood ever so slightly.

I am exhausted so I think it is time for bed.  Today is a good day to be alive.  Take care,  Shawn.


 “Depression is a painfully slow, crashing death. Mania is the other extreme, a wild roller coaster run off its tracks, an eight ball of coke cut with speed. It's fun and it's frightening as hell. Some patients - bipolar type I - experience both extremes; other - bipolar type II - suffer depression almost exclusively. But the "mixed state," the mercurial churning of both high and low, is the most dangerous, the most deadly. Suicide too often results from the impulsive nature and physical speed of psychotic mania coupled with depression's paranoid self-loathing.”
― David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family

The Big Four

I have today off due to the snow we got overnight and in to this morning. It is Ollie's 4rth birthday today. I should be happy but, am battling a bout of depression. Still thinking about yesterday. At least I made it two weeks before dealing with some of these thoughts and emotions. I was bound to battle the downzies at some point. I know there are some things I could force myself to do to help my mental state but, am content hiding a way on my bed at the moment.                                                    

I took my dad out for breakfast today for his birthday. He turned 67 last Friday. I feel fortunate to have had this much time with him on earth as a tree limb almost ended his life when I was ten years old. He has always looked out for me these last few years and had encouraging words. I have not always been the best son and I hope I can make him proud one day.

Hard to believe that Ollie turned four today. Seems just like yesterday we were bringing him home as a puppy. He may never know the immense impact he has had on me in his life thus far. I am getting emotional just thinking about it. There is no way I would have pushed through many things without his help. Jodi and I always joke we should get Ollie a service vest which may not be a bad idea. It does not matter if I am down or my mind is racing with negative shit. Ollie still loves me the same and is still so excited to see me when I walk in that door. Thanks for being you Ollie.

Hope you have a good day. Shawn.

So Far So Good

I started back to work full time two weeks a go today.  It has been my best start to the season mentally which has been a welcome surprise.  I did have some anxiety the day before I started  but, nothing like I have had in the past.  We have been so busy, I have not had too much time to think.  The storm damage from the winter has been unbelievable.  All we have been doing for the first few weeks is cutting, hauling and chipping.  Normally we would have started our spring clean ups but, have not been able to start those a bit until the last few days.  There is still some tree work to be done but, we have been able to catch up to the majority of it.  It has been pretty intense but, it feels good to start some clean ups finally.  We have a lot to do to get ready for cutting and I am sure we will be doing clean ups in to May.  We can only do the best we can and we are still a person down at this point.

It is great to work with Jesse and Heather again.  We seem to work well together and have come to understand one another better.  My boss has been really good with us and has showed patience in teaching us various things about cutting and tree pruning.  He has been going steady all winter and hopefully he will be able to take a day once our regular routine becomes a bit more stable.  Jesse and I get a long really well and work hard at what we do.  Both of us take pride in our work ethic and I really appreciate the effort he puts in every day.  I got to work with Heather on Friday afternoon which was a wonderful experience.  Working with her is stress free and she is such a good person to be around.  I am going to miss her a lot when she ends up leaving for up north.

Today I woke up a little off.  My mind was racing quite a bit and I was not feeling as good as I have been.  We have quite a weather system coming through our parts and we only ended up getting in part of the day.  It became really windy and was raining steady.  Jesse said the forecast called for much of the same for the rest of the day, so I made the decision to call it a day.  Of course, it cleared up a little bit as I was driving home.  I don't even like getting off early as I always second guess my decision.  I hate making decisions regarding weather and have a hard time not thinking about it when I am at home.  I never understood why Smitty had such a hard time making a decision to call it a day but, I do now.  There are a lot of variables and it is not an easy one to make.  I know I am the lead hand and should be able to make that call and live with whatever decision I make.  I guess there is no right or wrong call but, I always feel I make the wrong one.

So I thinking way too much on the way home and anxiety towards the next few days started to creep in to my mind.  Even the good old suicidal thoughts made a brief entrance in to my head which was not pleasant.  I know from my past experiences that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill.  I made a decision I thought was right and I need to learn to let it go once I make it.

Other than today though,  I have been really impressed with my ability to filter out negative thoughts on a more consistent basis.  Things that would normally throw me off haven't been bothering me as much.  I came up with a slogan with my counselor to help me separate work with my home time.  I say " Its Blue Jays time!" to myself on the way home for work.  That tells me it is time to leave whatever the day at work brought and focus on enjoying my time with Jodi and Ollie at home.  So far,  it has been working really well for me.  Today was the only day, I did not feel any impact from that statement. 

Hope things in your life are well.  Wishing you good mental health.  Take care,  Shawn.

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.”
― Anaïs Nin