So Far So Good

I started back to work full time two weeks a go today.  It has been my best start to the season mentally which has been a welcome surprise.  I did have some anxiety the day before I started  but, nothing like I have had in the past.  We have been so busy, I have not had too much time to think.  The storm damage from the winter has been unbelievable.  All we have been doing for the first few weeks is cutting, hauling and chipping.  Normally we would have started our spring clean ups but, have not been able to start those a bit until the last few days.  There is still some tree work to be done but, we have been able to catch up to the majority of it.  It has been pretty intense but, it feels good to start some clean ups finally.  We have a lot to do to get ready for cutting and I am sure we will be doing clean ups in to May.  We can only do the best we can and we are still a person down at this point.

It is great to work with Jesse and Heather again.  We seem to work well together and have come to understand one another better.  My boss has been really good with us and has showed patience in teaching us various things about cutting and tree pruning.  He has been going steady all winter and hopefully he will be able to take a day once our regular routine becomes a bit more stable.  Jesse and I get a long really well and work hard at what we do.  Both of us take pride in our work ethic and I really appreciate the effort he puts in every day.  I got to work with Heather on Friday afternoon which was a wonderful experience.  Working with her is stress free and she is such a good person to be around.  I am going to miss her a lot when she ends up leaving for up north.

Today I woke up a little off.  My mind was racing quite a bit and I was not feeling as good as I have been.  We have quite a weather system coming through our parts and we only ended up getting in part of the day.  It became really windy and was raining steady.  Jesse said the forecast called for much of the same for the rest of the day, so I made the decision to call it a day.  Of course, it cleared up a little bit as I was driving home.  I don't even like getting off early as I always second guess my decision.  I hate making decisions regarding weather and have a hard time not thinking about it when I am at home.  I never understood why Smitty had such a hard time making a decision to call it a day but, I do now.  There are a lot of variables and it is not an easy one to make.  I know I am the lead hand and should be able to make that call and live with whatever decision I make.  I guess there is no right or wrong call but, I always feel I make the wrong one.

So I thinking way too much on the way home and anxiety towards the next few days started to creep in to my mind.  Even the good old suicidal thoughts made a brief entrance in to my head which was not pleasant.  I know from my past experiences that I am making a mountain out of a mole hill.  I made a decision I thought was right and I need to learn to let it go once I make it.

Other than today though,  I have been really impressed with my ability to filter out negative thoughts on a more consistent basis.  Things that would normally throw me off haven't been bothering me as much.  I came up with a slogan with my counselor to help me separate work with my home time.  I say " Its Blue Jays time!" to myself on the way home for work.  That tells me it is time to leave whatever the day at work brought and focus on enjoying my time with Jodi and Ollie at home.  So far,  it has been working really well for me.  Today was the only day, I did not feel any impact from that statement. 

Hope things in your life are well.  Wishing you good mental health.  Take care,  Shawn.

“Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.”
― Anaïs Nin