Got Through

I was not happy today.  I was not sad.  I just was. My mind was numb. All I wanted to do was get through the day and do the best job I could.

We were talked to this morning about Monday.  I understood everything that was said to us and it was very fair.  Part of me is just pissed at myself as I should have known better.  I had a gut feeling we should have stuck it out and I should have listened to my gut.  All the talk of the big system moving in that morning and Jesse telling me how bad the forecast was looking shook me.  I walked in on Monday not even thinking about weather and I let that talk of forecasts affect my judgement.  I am paid to be lead hand and use my head.  I should have taken a moment and played the record out before making a decision.  I should have waited it out and then made the decision at that point.  I hope I never have to make a call like that again this year but, I will definitely not make it lightly in the future.

I thought of being an arborist in the future but, no thanks.  If I never cut up a fuckin tree after this month, I will be a happy camper.  The amount of damage that storm did in the winter is incredible.  Crews around Ontario will still be cleaning it up for months to come.  We should be well in to spring clean ups but, are still cutting and chipping.  Just gets demoralizing after a while and stress and tension build up a bit.  I know we will get through it somehow as a team but, can be frustrating at times for all of us.  And to top it all off,  the tractor is leaking diesel fuel.

As I have written the last few days,  I have not been feeling too well mentally.  Today was good for me to show myself that I am strong enough.  I have certainly felt a lot worse in the last few years and have managed to get through those challenges.  I cried for the first time yesterday in a while.  It was kind of cathartic in a way though, good to let emotion out sometimes.  I also spent some time cursing at the universe in my car.  Was just frustrated with my mind.  I did go to my mood disorders group last night which helped a bit.  I really enjoy going to that group and I hope I can make it a few times during the summer.  Even just sharing my thoughts for a couple minutes with them elevated my mood ever so slightly.

I am exhausted so I think it is time for bed.  Today is a good day to be alive.  Take care,  Shawn.


 “Depression is a painfully slow, crashing death. Mania is the other extreme, a wild roller coaster run off its tracks, an eight ball of coke cut with speed. It's fun and it's frightening as hell. Some patients - bipolar type I - experience both extremes; other - bipolar type II - suffer depression almost exclusively. But the "mixed state," the mercurial churning of both high and low, is the most dangerous, the most deadly. Suicide too often results from the impulsive nature and physical speed of psychotic mania coupled with depression's paranoid self-loathing.”
― David Lovelace, Scattershot: My Bipolar Family