Last week was a really good week. I was not too positive about things on Monday as it was a miserable day to be working outside and I was having trouble staying motivated. But things improved as each day passed and the three of us put a huge dent in our fall clean ups. We were down in Port Credit on Friday and finished three properties in one day which almost finished things up for the year. We have a little bit left to do tomorrow and then hopefully we will take a few days off. There is some other work to do in December in terms of coverings and tying up some things up but, we are almost there. I am so proud of what we have accomplished with such a small team. It has been quite the year for us and I believe probably my most rewarding in terms of accomplishing the things we did under some challenging situations.
This by far has been my best year mentally in twenty years. I put a lot of pressure on myself to keep things a float this season and I am proud of myself for taking on the responsibility I did. I still struggled with my mind at times but, not nearly as much as in years gone by. There were difficult moments but, I was able to deal with them a little easier this year. I did not allow too many things too linger in my mind for too long and tried to stay focused on taking it one day at a time. My bouts of depression did not last long and I did not allow my thoughts to control my mood for long periods of time. I was able to enjoy my Sundays at last and did not spend every night worrying about the next day would bring. There was certainly some stress and anxiety and some moments when I did not think I would be able to make it through the season. But I pushed through those moments and achieved a lot of positive things this year. Over the last four years, there were many days when I did not feel as though I could go on with my job or life in general. The thing that I am most proud of is that I still showed up every day and did my best to keep on fighting. The mind is a powerful thing and can make facing difficult times challenging when someone is dealing with a mental disorder. I could have given up many times but, I remained steadfast in my determination.
One aspect that has been a welcome change is the absence of suicidal idealizations. There were some days when I would get the occasional thoughts of ending my life but, they were brief in duration. In years past, there would not have been one week where I did not think about suicide at least a handful of times. It shows the immense improvement in the stability of my mind. I am almost forty now and if you had asked me ten years a go if I thought I would still be alive at this point, I probably would have said no. It has been a long road to get here and I am thankful for being at this point at my life. It is important to understand that I have never wanted to end my life. Others that have bi polar or other mental illnesses would understand the pain that exists inside at times and the strong urges to end my life were too end that pain. That pain has slowly lessened as time has passed. I have struggled to let the past go at times as I have impacted a lot of people in a negative way over my life. I have learned that I can only work hard at being a better person on daily basis and use my experiences to help others understand a little bit about the struggles on mental health.
I hope this finds you well. Take care and bye for now. Shawn.
“A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
―
Elbert Hubbard
Sunday, 30 November 2014
Wednesday, 19 November 2014
Got My D
I am happy to announce that I was successful in obtaining my D license. It was a long process but, it feels great to finally accomplish another goal of mine. My training went really well but, I got quite nervous during the test which almost cost me. I was the only Humber student that day to pass my test. It definitely gives me a sense of achievement and another positive to help me maintain a balance in life.
We have been shut down for the week in terms of our fall clean ups. Southern Ontario has got an early blast of winter just as many places across North America have. The ground is covered in snow and temperatures are well below seasonal norms. There is not much we would be able to do. Fortunately, there looks to be some rain in the forecast on Sunday and Monday along with some milder temperatures. It would be great if that allowed us to continue our clean ups as I would love to get them finished with. Typically I am done by American Thanksgiving but, that is not going to happen this year to to this winter wonderland and the fact that there are only two of us. I hope we don't go too far in to December but, I guess time will tell.
I started my plowing job on Monday night seeing as I had the time this week. My first shift went fairly well, just getting used to the plow and familiarizing myself with properties. Definitely took me a bit longer than I wanted at some places but, I am happy with how it went. I worked last night too just to do some touch ups so it wasn't a long night. We had a fair amount of snow this afternoon and early evening so it looks to be a full shift for tonight. I was able to get some good sleep today and actually feel refreshed. Yesterday I had trouble sleeping and it will probably take me a while to get used to a new routine. I was a little down before I started last night. I am excited for this opportunity but, am a little scared at the same time. This has been the best year I have had mentally in twenty years and it worries me a bit as to how this change will affect me. I just want to maintain good patterns and make sure I am doing everything I can to channel my thoughts and moods in a positive way. I almost cried in my car before I started but, I pulled myself together and had a great shift. If I have proven anything to myself in the last four years is that I can push through anything and everything will work out if I stay determined.
I probably would not have taken this on if we were not on the verge of getting our first house. I have enjoyed my time off in the winter and spending the time with Jodi and Ollie. I want to be able to contribute to our goal of owning our own house and decided this was the best thing for our little family.
My mind was racing quite a bit last night, especially when I got home and was falling asleep. It is hard to describe my thoughts when my mind is racing but, it can be difficult to slow them down. My mom used to be a vision specialist with the school board and had glasses that people could put on in order to see what individuals with vision impairments went through. I think it would be interesting if there was some form of technology that allowed others to see what it was like in someones mind that has a mental illness. Don't see it happening, just think it would give others a better understanding of what individuals struggle with at times. My mood has actually stayed balanced. I have not had many bouts of depression which has been a welcome addition to my life. I still remember being in deep depressions. Not wanting to get out of bed or leave my house for days, weeks and sometimes months at a time. Sometimes those experiences do not seem like they actually happened seeing how well I am doing now. I will not forget those times though and use those experiences as motivation to keep the course and work hard at my mental health.
Just about to have some pizza for dinner. Hope you are having a good week. Take care, Shawn.
“Mental illness turns people inwards. That's what I reckon. It keeps up forever trapped by the pain of our own minds, in the same way that the pain of a broken leg or a cut thumb will grab your attention, holding it so tightly that your good leg or your good thumb seem to cease to exist.”
― Nathan Filer, The Shock of the Fall
We have been shut down for the week in terms of our fall clean ups. Southern Ontario has got an early blast of winter just as many places across North America have. The ground is covered in snow and temperatures are well below seasonal norms. There is not much we would be able to do. Fortunately, there looks to be some rain in the forecast on Sunday and Monday along with some milder temperatures. It would be great if that allowed us to continue our clean ups as I would love to get them finished with. Typically I am done by American Thanksgiving but, that is not going to happen this year to to this winter wonderland and the fact that there are only two of us. I hope we don't go too far in to December but, I guess time will tell.
I started my plowing job on Monday night seeing as I had the time this week. My first shift went fairly well, just getting used to the plow and familiarizing myself with properties. Definitely took me a bit longer than I wanted at some places but, I am happy with how it went. I worked last night too just to do some touch ups so it wasn't a long night. We had a fair amount of snow this afternoon and early evening so it looks to be a full shift for tonight. I was able to get some good sleep today and actually feel refreshed. Yesterday I had trouble sleeping and it will probably take me a while to get used to a new routine. I was a little down before I started last night. I am excited for this opportunity but, am a little scared at the same time. This has been the best year I have had mentally in twenty years and it worries me a bit as to how this change will affect me. I just want to maintain good patterns and make sure I am doing everything I can to channel my thoughts and moods in a positive way. I almost cried in my car before I started but, I pulled myself together and had a great shift. If I have proven anything to myself in the last four years is that I can push through anything and everything will work out if I stay determined.
I probably would not have taken this on if we were not on the verge of getting our first house. I have enjoyed my time off in the winter and spending the time with Jodi and Ollie. I want to be able to contribute to our goal of owning our own house and decided this was the best thing for our little family.
My mind was racing quite a bit last night, especially when I got home and was falling asleep. It is hard to describe my thoughts when my mind is racing but, it can be difficult to slow them down. My mom used to be a vision specialist with the school board and had glasses that people could put on in order to see what individuals with vision impairments went through. I think it would be interesting if there was some form of technology that allowed others to see what it was like in someones mind that has a mental illness. Don't see it happening, just think it would give others a better understanding of what individuals struggle with at times. My mood has actually stayed balanced. I have not had many bouts of depression which has been a welcome addition to my life. I still remember being in deep depressions. Not wanting to get out of bed or leave my house for days, weeks and sometimes months at a time. Sometimes those experiences do not seem like they actually happened seeing how well I am doing now. I will not forget those times though and use those experiences as motivation to keep the course and work hard at my mental health.
Just about to have some pizza for dinner. Hope you are having a good week. Take care, Shawn.
“Mental illness turns people inwards. That's what I reckon. It keeps up forever trapped by the pain of our own minds, in the same way that the pain of a broken leg or a cut thumb will grab your attention, holding it so tightly that your good leg or your good thumb seem to cease to exist.”
― Nathan Filer, The Shock of the Fall
Saturday, 15 November 2014
Damn Back
I did not sleep well last night. My back is in rough shape and I am having issues walking on my right side. I know exactly what the problem is but, have not been able to get in to physiotherapy. I love my physio clinic but, am a bit frustrated that they do not hold some spots for same day appointments. Whenever I have a serious ailment, it seem like I can never get in to see them for at least a week which does not suit me. Unfortunately, I may have to miss a day of work on Monday as there is no way I could get through another day with the pain I am experiencing. I know I could get in during the day on Monday but, would miss being at work as we made some good progress on fall clean ups this week.
We have made some good progress on fall clean ups considering the weather we have had to deal with and the fact that there is only two of us. Thursday was a miserable day but, I tried to make the best of it. Nobody enjoys being out in some of the weather we have had but, it is part of the territory at this point. If I had to guess, I would say that we had another two, maybe three weeks left. Seems like an eternity a way but, we will get there eventually. I am really looking forward to that last day and having some well deserved down time.
My mind has been steadfast in maintaining a healthy balance in my life. Monday night was an immense struggle but, I managed to push through and have a great week. I have been able to keep my thoughts in check and limit the depressive side of my disorder. I am aware that the winter will be a challenge as it looks as though I will be plowing snow. Shifts for plowing often go through the night and that would be pose some issues for me. I have no problem working at night, I would just have to have a discussion with my doctor as to when I would take my night time medication. I am thinking I would take it first thing in the morning as I would often be sleeping during the day. It is very important that I make sure my wellness remains my focus and that I am taking measures to make sure that continues through the winter. I have some anxieties about what I will be taking on but, am confident it will all work out in a positive way.
Jodi is very excited about decorating for the holiday season today. We got our first fake tree last weekend on sale and I am actually quite pleased with it. It came with lights in it as well and definitely exceeded my expectations. I will miss real trees at times but, this one suits our needs the best and will last for a long time. Jodi loves making our place look festive and I will try my best to help her. Unfortunately, I will be limited as to what I can do. I took Ollie for a walk this morning and it was a struggle walk a short distance. I have already taken some Advil so hopefully that will help ease the pain a bit.
I will write again tomorrow. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. Take care, Shawn.
“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain
We have made some good progress on fall clean ups considering the weather we have had to deal with and the fact that there is only two of us. Thursday was a miserable day but, I tried to make the best of it. Nobody enjoys being out in some of the weather we have had but, it is part of the territory at this point. If I had to guess, I would say that we had another two, maybe three weeks left. Seems like an eternity a way but, we will get there eventually. I am really looking forward to that last day and having some well deserved down time.
My mind has been steadfast in maintaining a healthy balance in my life. Monday night was an immense struggle but, I managed to push through and have a great week. I have been able to keep my thoughts in check and limit the depressive side of my disorder. I am aware that the winter will be a challenge as it looks as though I will be plowing snow. Shifts for plowing often go through the night and that would be pose some issues for me. I have no problem working at night, I would just have to have a discussion with my doctor as to when I would take my night time medication. I am thinking I would take it first thing in the morning as I would often be sleeping during the day. It is very important that I make sure my wellness remains my focus and that I am taking measures to make sure that continues through the winter. I have some anxieties about what I will be taking on but, am confident it will all work out in a positive way.
Jodi is very excited about decorating for the holiday season today. We got our first fake tree last weekend on sale and I am actually quite pleased with it. It came with lights in it as well and definitely exceeded my expectations. I will miss real trees at times but, this one suits our needs the best and will last for a long time. Jodi loves making our place look festive and I will try my best to help her. Unfortunately, I will be limited as to what I can do. I took Ollie for a walk this morning and it was a struggle walk a short distance. I have already taken some Advil so hopefully that will help ease the pain a bit.
I will write again tomorrow. Hope you have a wonderful weekend. Take care, Shawn.
“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain
Sunday, 2 November 2014
Five Years Baby!!!!
It has been quite some time since I last wrote in my blog. I have missed writing a lot as I always enjoy sharing my thoughts. Quite a lot has happened in the last few months and I will try to touch on some of them.
The Praught family was here last weekend and we had a wonderful visit. It was awesome to see everyone and hear all about Duane and Erin's trip to South America. I even managed to win Wizard twice which rarely happens as Jodi usually comes out on top. We went out for a few meals and made it to St Jacobs market on the Saturday. St. Jacobs was crazy busy and I am not sure I would venture back there anytime soon. We also went to the corn maze at Neuman Farms and had a great time. The girls beat Duane and I but, their time through the maze was a little suspect. Kaye made the trip with Bernie and Karen and she still has a tonne of energy for her age. She turns 86 this year and is a lot of fun to be around. Bernie and Karen were on their way to Florida and have made it down there safe and sound. We made the best of our short time together and will look forward to seeing Bernie and Karen in March as we our making a trip down to Estero, Fl.
It has been quite a year at work. So much has happened in the last seven months, it is difficult to put everything in perspective. We are down to just Devin and I and we are making the best of it. Jesse was off for a month taking care of some personal things and was supposed to come back a little over a month a go. He called my boss the day before and said he was leaving for another job. There is a lot more to the story but, it is not my story to tell. So my boss, Devin and I are making the best of things and keep pushing through. I am pleased to report that we have made it through another cutting season which I am thankful for. It was quite the year of cutting as the grass never slowed down which made it challenging to say the least. I am very proud of the job we do grass cutting and I know our customers appreciate it too. Our properties do stand out and I get great satisfaction in knowing that. We got a nice tip from my favorite place to cut which was awesome. The tip was nice but, it was more the gesture and the fact that they appreciated our work.
I never thought we would get here but, we are finally going to start our fall clean ups which means the season is slowly winding down. We have a small sod job to finish and I am hoping that is the last of our other jobs as it would be nice just to focus on the clean ups as we will have our work cut out for us with just two people. Normally we have had Heather to help us with clean ups but, she is not around this year. I never thought we would get to this point after the year we have had but, it is nice knowing I just have to push through four more weeks.
I am pleased to announce that I am officially five years sober today. I am so proud of this accomplishment and know my life would not be where it is today if I had not finally not made that decision. Alcohol never benefited myself or others in my life in any way. Quite honestly, I wish I was twenty years sober as it there would have been less anguish and disappointment for myself and those in my life. Alcohol definitely impeded my ability to reach my full potential in many aspects of life and it is unfortunate I could not come to the same realization years a go. I will not dwell on the past though and know the future is much brighter with the decision I finally made five years a go.
Alcohol does not erase pain. Alcohol does not solve inner turmoil. Alcohol does not benefit meaningful relationships in life. Alcohol does not manage depression or clear an unstable mind. It does quite the opposite. I have great respect for those in life who chose at early points in their lives that they did not want to consume alcohol as part of their life. Jodi's cousin Ryan and my Uncle Jerry come to mind and I envy that conscious decision they made.
I am going to celebrate today with Dave as we are going out for wings. Then I plan on a relaxing day at home with Jodi and Ollie watching some football. Should be the perfect way to celebrate. It is a beautiful day outside and makes me thankful to be alive.
I have three more driving lessons this week and then my road test for my D license on Thursday. The training is going really well and I am thankful to have a good instructor. I have been nothing but impressed with Humber College and the job they do with driver training. All the in class and drive training have been excellent and I would recommend their program to anyone looking to get in to the trucking industry. And it is not just the instruction, is is the level of professionalism and character of the instructors that make the program so wonderful.
Well that it is for me today. I do plan on writing more often as things will slow down a bit in the next few weeks. I have been exhausted running on 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night during the week but, I know it will be over after Thursday and things will get back to normal. Hope this finds you in good mental health. Have a great week. Take care, Shawn.
“I once heard a sober alcoholic say that drinking never made him happy, but it made him feel like he was going to be happy in about fifteen minutes. That was exactly it, and I couldn’t understand why the happiness never came, couldn’t see the flaw in my thinking, couldn’t see that alcohol kept me trapped in a world of illusion, procrastination, paralysis. I lived always in the future, never in the present. Next time, next time! Next time I drank it would be different, next time it would make me feel good again. And all my efforts were doomed, because already drinking hadn’t made me feel good in years.”
― Heather King, Parched
The Praught family was here last weekend and we had a wonderful visit. It was awesome to see everyone and hear all about Duane and Erin's trip to South America. I even managed to win Wizard twice which rarely happens as Jodi usually comes out on top. We went out for a few meals and made it to St Jacobs market on the Saturday. St. Jacobs was crazy busy and I am not sure I would venture back there anytime soon. We also went to the corn maze at Neuman Farms and had a great time. The girls beat Duane and I but, their time through the maze was a little suspect. Kaye made the trip with Bernie and Karen and she still has a tonne of energy for her age. She turns 86 this year and is a lot of fun to be around. Bernie and Karen were on their way to Florida and have made it down there safe and sound. We made the best of our short time together and will look forward to seeing Bernie and Karen in March as we our making a trip down to Estero, Fl.
It has been quite a year at work. So much has happened in the last seven months, it is difficult to put everything in perspective. We are down to just Devin and I and we are making the best of it. Jesse was off for a month taking care of some personal things and was supposed to come back a little over a month a go. He called my boss the day before and said he was leaving for another job. There is a lot more to the story but, it is not my story to tell. So my boss, Devin and I are making the best of things and keep pushing through. I am pleased to report that we have made it through another cutting season which I am thankful for. It was quite the year of cutting as the grass never slowed down which made it challenging to say the least. I am very proud of the job we do grass cutting and I know our customers appreciate it too. Our properties do stand out and I get great satisfaction in knowing that. We got a nice tip from my favorite place to cut which was awesome. The tip was nice but, it was more the gesture and the fact that they appreciated our work.
I never thought we would get here but, we are finally going to start our fall clean ups which means the season is slowly winding down. We have a small sod job to finish and I am hoping that is the last of our other jobs as it would be nice just to focus on the clean ups as we will have our work cut out for us with just two people. Normally we have had Heather to help us with clean ups but, she is not around this year. I never thought we would get to this point after the year we have had but, it is nice knowing I just have to push through four more weeks.
I am pleased to announce that I am officially five years sober today. I am so proud of this accomplishment and know my life would not be where it is today if I had not finally not made that decision. Alcohol never benefited myself or others in my life in any way. Quite honestly, I wish I was twenty years sober as it there would have been less anguish and disappointment for myself and those in my life. Alcohol definitely impeded my ability to reach my full potential in many aspects of life and it is unfortunate I could not come to the same realization years a go. I will not dwell on the past though and know the future is much brighter with the decision I finally made five years a go.
Alcohol does not erase pain. Alcohol does not solve inner turmoil. Alcohol does not benefit meaningful relationships in life. Alcohol does not manage depression or clear an unstable mind. It does quite the opposite. I have great respect for those in life who chose at early points in their lives that they did not want to consume alcohol as part of their life. Jodi's cousin Ryan and my Uncle Jerry come to mind and I envy that conscious decision they made.
I am going to celebrate today with Dave as we are going out for wings. Then I plan on a relaxing day at home with Jodi and Ollie watching some football. Should be the perfect way to celebrate. It is a beautiful day outside and makes me thankful to be alive.
I have three more driving lessons this week and then my road test for my D license on Thursday. The training is going really well and I am thankful to have a good instructor. I have been nothing but impressed with Humber College and the job they do with driver training. All the in class and drive training have been excellent and I would recommend their program to anyone looking to get in to the trucking industry. And it is not just the instruction, is is the level of professionalism and character of the instructors that make the program so wonderful.
Well that it is for me today. I do plan on writing more often as things will slow down a bit in the next few weeks. I have been exhausted running on 5 or 6 hours of sleep a night during the week but, I know it will be over after Thursday and things will get back to normal. Hope this finds you in good mental health. Have a great week. Take care, Shawn.
“I once heard a sober alcoholic say that drinking never made him happy, but it made him feel like he was going to be happy in about fifteen minutes. That was exactly it, and I couldn’t understand why the happiness never came, couldn’t see the flaw in my thinking, couldn’t see that alcohol kept me trapped in a world of illusion, procrastination, paralysis. I lived always in the future, never in the present. Next time, next time! Next time I drank it would be different, next time it would make me feel good again. And all my efforts were doomed, because already drinking hadn’t made me feel good in years.”
― Heather King, Parched
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