Pride

Last week was a  really good week.  I was not too positive about things on Monday as it was a miserable day to be working outside and I was having trouble staying motivated.  But things improved as each day passed and the three of us put a huge dent in our fall clean ups.  We were down in Port Credit on Friday and finished three properties in one day which almost finished things up for the year.  We have a little bit left to do tomorrow and then hopefully we will take a few days off.  There is some other work to do in December in terms of coverings and tying up some things up but, we are almost there.  I am so proud of what we have accomplished with such a small team.  It has been quite the year for us and I believe probably my most rewarding in terms of accomplishing the things we did under some challenging situations.

This by far has been my best year mentally in twenty years.  I put a lot of pressure on myself to keep things a float this season and I am proud of myself for taking on the responsibility I did.  I still struggled with my mind at times but, not nearly as much as in years gone by.  There were difficult moments but, I was able to deal with them a little easier this year.  I did not allow too many things too linger in my mind for too long and tried to stay focused on taking it one day at a time.  My bouts of depression did not last long and I did not allow my thoughts to control my mood for long periods of time.  I was able to enjoy my Sundays at last and did not spend every night worrying about the next day would bring.  There was certainly some stress and anxiety and some moments when I did not think I would be able to make it through the season.  But I pushed through those moments and achieved a lot of positive things this year.  Over the last four years, there were many days when I did not feel as though I could go on with my job or life in general.  The thing that I am most proud of is that I still showed up every day and did my best to keep on fighting. The mind is a powerful thing and can make facing difficult times challenging when someone is dealing with a mental disorder.  I could have given up many times but, I remained steadfast in my determination.

One aspect that has been a welcome change is the absence of suicidal idealizations.  There were some days when I would get the occasional thoughts of ending my life but, they were brief in duration.  In years past,  there would not have been one week where I did not think about suicide at least a handful of times.  It shows the immense improvement in the stability of my mind.  I am almost forty now and if you had asked me ten years a go if I thought I would still be alive at this point,  I probably would have said no.  It has been a long road to get here and I am thankful for being at this point at my life.  It is important to understand that I have never wanted to end my life.  Others that have bi polar or other mental illnesses would understand the pain that exists inside at times and the strong urges to end my life were too end that pain.  That pain has slowly lessened as time has passed.  I have struggled to let the past go at times as I have impacted a lot of people in a negative way over my life.  I have learned that I can only work hard at being a better person on daily basis and use my experiences to help others understand a little bit about the struggles on mental health.

I hope this finds you well.  Take care and bye for now.  Shawn.

 “A friend is someone who knows all about you and still loves you.”
― Elbert Hubbard